Jesus in the Microwave

I have been to numerous and varied worship centers in my life. What is that? Name them? Sure thing.

Independent Baptist;  First Baptist (never went to a Second Baptist unfortunately); Seventh Day Adventist, Southern Baptist; Primitive Baptist; Southern Methodist; Evangelical; Bible Baptist; Presbyterian (version A); Presbyterian (version B); Independent (no version); Church of God; Church of Christ; and finally, and last but not least, Catholic.

That is about it.  This is the story of my introduction with last group of worshipers on the list.

  Going to church is a regular event in most peoples lives. However, some do not go to church and have never desired to do so. I tend to be the intermediate worshiper. My coadjutor's worship had been stymied by my mode of worship, so, on occasion, I set forth to visit the Catholic Church with her. The first visit was a near disaster.

  As a young Protestant, I had been warned by my peers about idols and other mysterious phenomenon in the Catholic Church. I was diligent to point out to my wife these idols on my first visit. They all had huts which they resided. Parishioners lit candles for their favorite idol's comfort. I still am processing the whole Saint deal and the praying to Mary. Somehow, I am not sure that she wants all of these prayers. If I were her I would feel like I had a email account with way to much spam. Maybe the Saints help her sort though the whole prayer overload. I have a good bit of studying to do on this matter yet. Anyway, all was fine until it was time to take the Eucharist.

  The Eucharist, for those unfamiliar, is the belief that Christ becomes the bread and wine and the believers eat him. I know, it sounds odd at first, but it is symbolic of believers being one with God. Maybe I am not the best person to explain this. Click this link to learn more about Communion. So then, if one is not a believer, or has not made themselves pure, or is not a member (depending on what church you go to), one should not take the Eucharist as it would be an abomination. (This would not be good especially if you are trying to improve your spiritual status in heavens eyes.)

  So it was time to do this Eucharist event. We all stood up and readied ourselves. I got the instructions to simply cross my arms to get a blessing. I know! How easy is that?! The priests went to a golden box on the wall and opened it with care. The Priests proceeded to pull out of the golden box the bread and wine resembling the body of Christ. The aforementioned box just happened to look like a real fancy microwave; that thought stuck with me for some odd reason. Later that week when I tried to describe my viewing of this event, in my broken Spanglish, to my Hispanic Catholic cooks at work, it came out as "..and they took Jesus out of the Microwave". They ridiculed me often for this description.
  We got in line (This always requires complicated hand gestures.) and proceeded toward the Priest who was delivering the Eucharist. Then it was my turn, and I froze, with a blank mind. This caused a mild traffic jam. I looked at the Priest. The Priest looked at me. I looked at the Priest with raised eyebrows. He looked back with eyebrows raised higher than mine. Then sensing my ignorance and utter failure, my wife poked her head around me and blurted out for God and Country to hear "HE'S NOT CATHOLIC!" That felt worse than having to stand up if front of everyone at the First Baptist Church because you were a visitor.

  I got my blessing. However, I feel that it was instantly used up due to the stress of the whole event.

   Stand up; pray; sit down; read Scripture; listen to song; sing back; listen to song; sing back; listen to song; sing back; stand up; and repeat. This is the basic pattern of worship. There is also the activity of the lighting of candles, toting of the oversize Bible, and the flipping of the pointy hat back onto the Priest's head. I have not figured out what the golden curly topped staffs that the Priests carry are used for yet. Catholics do not post numbers either. Some churches post member numbers, hymn numbers, attendee numbers, missionary numbers, etc.. I think Catholics let God worry about who goes to church and how much money they give. That, and I think that they must have old money.

The Cathedral Basilica of St. Augustine / The First Parish

  So, that was my first visit in a Catholic Church. Notice that I did not mention random farting on hard wood pews, which can cause excessive echoing and reverberation throughout the church. Maybe I will talk about that next time. That is always good for a laugh. Especially when they are innocent farts. Those are the best. You know the type. The church fart is painful. One's sides can go in to a spasm-state from trying to restrict laughing and giggling about the event. Church farts do not stink either, as there is way too much grandmother perfume in the sanctuary, which fights off fart smells. Dirty baby diapers are a different story. One cannot hide that stench. Thankfully, babies are usually kept in those creepy and malodorous church nurseries.


Go to church, and thanks for reading,
gf

The Last Blog Post of Mankind 5/21/2011

 Q:  You know what makes me want to take a Gideon Bible, shine it up real good, turn it sideways, and shove it up some "preacher man's" backside?
A:  Wild-eyed, foaming-at-the-mouth, TV-loving, book-writing, forehead-slapping, Judgement-Day-Preachers predicting when Jesus is going to return to earth and begin the judgement of mankind.

  The latest news is that the game is over on May 21st 2011. Seriously. Harold Camping says so.


  I will not even quote any scripture on this issue. I do not need to quote any scripture. Let me just review common sense on this subject.

• God made everything, including smallish mushy brains. Therefore, he knows that he has to spell out details, such as the exact timing of Judgement Day, very plainly. That is if he truly needed us to know that information. If you do not believe that God created everything, just hang in there for a few moments and check this out anyway.
  

•  What is to be gained if the entire population knows the exact date of the world's end? (except having grandiose barbecues).
  

• How is it that only one dude in the entire history of mankind has figured this information out?

• God can keep a secret.

• God is smarter than a civil engineer "who has been a tireless student of the Bible for over five decades".

•  If one predicts a day that God will impose judgement on the world, I am sure God has the smarts not to choose that same day, as he knows everything (including the future).

• God most likely does not care if Man predicts the future.

• How many times has mankind tried to predict the end of the world and failed to do so? That is a great question. Here are some answers... Link number one, Link number two, Link number three.
  

• Using statements such as...

"For one to object to May 21^st, 2011 one must have BIBLICAL AUTHORITY to do so. Objections cannot be based upon consensus, traditions or fear. God has given far too many biblical proofs for anyone to disregard May 21 simply because he or she does not like it."

                                                      ... sounds a lot like the logical fallacy of Appeal to Authority.

"Definition: Often we add strength to our arguments by referring to respected sources or authorities and explaining their positions on the issues we're discussing. If, however, we try to get readers to agree with us simply by impressing them with a famous name or by appealing to a supposed authority who really isn't much of an expert, we commit the fallacy of appeal to authority." [http://www.unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/fallacies.html]

• The following is an excerpt from the May 21, 2011 Family Radio Worldwide website:

"This date is not the product of the mind of one man or a group of men.

It is the culmination of study of the entire Bible, both the Old and New Testaments." (STUDIED BY...wait for it...MEN. Do those two sentences contradict each other?)

"Every word written in the original Biblical "autographs" were dictated by God, therefore all words, numbers and sentences in these original writings are to be trusted as coming from God." (OK, "In God We Trust", and that is about it. "All others pay cash please.")

"The fact that this date is the result of the synthesis of all of Scripture causes May 21^st, 2011 to take on very sobering factuality. It is no longer opinion, but a matter of fact."

Click here for a definition of "fact". 
5/21/2011 Preacher Man needs to understand the definition of a fact before he can call something a fact.

"May 21, 2011 is God's date. All other predictions are man's attempt to predict the end. So it becomes a matter of eternal life, or eternal death. One can no longer presume May 21^st of this year will be just another normal day.

Each person must come to entrust their lives to what God has written in His Word the Bible and plead to Him for mercy. Otherwise God will come upon them with unmerciful vengeance on May 21, 2011."

Does 5/21/2011 Preacher Man think that there is a competition for Judgement Day predictions?

This crap makes me go crazy. My problem is that my friends know this. They send me crazy messages about crazy preachers to get my dander up. 

  God is much to smart to be predicted by idiot "preachers" who try to predict the future. When God looks at the web site that 5/21/2011 preacher man created, he is must be disappointed. The 5/21/2011 web site looks amateurish. God made the world, and 5/21/2011 Preacher Man made a crappy web site. 

(That may be an example of "gf" logic)

  5/21/2011 Preacher Man has been a student of the Bible for five decades. What is truly pathetic is all that 5/21/2011 Preacher Man got out of studying the Bible was an alleged date of the Judgement Day.

I suck at studying the Bible. However, I figured out that God loves me, and I am valuable to him. He wants me to love him, and he wants us to love each other. If you do not love God, then you may want to research why it might be a reasonable thing to do so, and weigh out the pros and cons for yourself. There are plenty of respectable preachers to help answer the questions that may arise from such research. However, please choose a preacher wisely.

5/21/2011 Preacher Man probably never listened to the Ozark Mountain Daredevils. I did; therefore, I am a well balanced individual. Maybe he should buy the album on May 22nd, 2011.

 gf