Sportsman's Barbecue ~ Clark's Hill SC

  I really hate giving bad reviews, no... really. I am searching for epic barbecue in the Deep South. When I think that I have found a joint that has a chance to be great, I feel like a character in The da Vinci Code who is on the cusp of finding the last great clue. I was ready to unlock the great barbecue clue in Clark's Hill S.C..

 Slightly off the beaten trail, and north of North Augusta S.C., Sportsman's Barbecue had several things that attracted gf to it's doors.

~ off the beaten path

~ next to a gas station of a similar name

~ the smell of smoke

~ high ranking on Urbanspoon 85+%

I was primed and ready to unravel the Sportsman's Barbecue mystery.

  This is a simple place. It smelled of smoking barbecue. What could really go wrong? Well, let's see; shall we?

1. I ordered a beer. The waitress hollered back to the kitchen "you can go ahead and give me that Mich Ultra again." She soon came by the table explaining that they were out of the beer that I had ordered. (I figure the beer had been mistakenly opened and then polished off by the cook.) Mind you that there is a convenience store right next door. I bet they had cold beer.

2. I ordered a "loaded potato" with pulled pork and topped with cheese. Why in Zeus' name would they serve me a two day old potato?! Baked potatoes have a piping hot white flakey center. This was a cold waxy brown potato. A cold waxy light brown potato would be a day old potato. This potato was brown like dark brown sugar... And don't even try to tell me that it was smoked, or I will dot you in your eye. Pathetic is what this potato was.

3. I ordered Hash over rice. I grew up on this Southern delicacy as a young'n. The first ten pounds of overweightness (do not Google that last word) was due to hash, rice, and white bread. Therefore, here is my first cooking tip for Sportsman's Barbecue: Do not butter the rice; Hash is not to be dry; and since the Hash is not dry, serve it with white bread so one can sop up the juice.

4. My esteemed BBQ sandwich expert at large (my son Alex) struggled with his chopped (to death) BBQ sandwich. Dry and un-entertaining was his report.

5. We had side dishes. The cole slaw was edible and actually pleasant, however the corn on the cob was from another dimension. Maybe it was sucked into a wormhole and dropped on the plate as the waitress exited the kitchen while delivering our food. It was dry, old, and disgusting.

  So there you have it. Old food from two days ago reheated and sold to gf. They are open Thursday through Sunday. I ate on a Saturday. Thank goodness! Just think what the food is like on a Sunday!

  Sportsman's Barbecue here is another  food tip from accordingtogf: Cook less, more often.

Thanks for reading,

gf

Mind Your Manners!

  "Mind your manners son!" ~ I always expected a slap to the back of my head when I heard that phrase as a child.

  Most Americans do not share that same anxiety anymore. People are down right rude these days. Hell, they don't even know that they are rude. I believe that the majority of Americans are numbed to rude behavior. Genteel behavior alludes the masses. I can remember when men used to tip their hats to the ladies. Today the opening of a door for a date is nothing but a bygone memory. While at boarding school, we were imbued with many of these niceties, such as standing up when a lady came to be seated or left the table, and holding the chair for a lady if she was being seated next to you. Watching people interact at dinner in public is truly sad these days. I imagine that my old Professors and Faculty members think that the world has truly gone to crap.

So then, let me ask my readers some questions on rudeness.

Is walking in the middle of the road with your Homies (at a snails pace) when cars are coming rude?

www.Homies.tv

Is walking around with half of one's ass showing, and the crotch of one's pants shuffling between the knees rude?

www.funnyjunk.com

Is taking more than ten items into the "less than ten items" lane at the supermarket rude?

Is prating on endlessly with your date during a Willie Nelson Concert rude? (The dude is 79 years old; shut up already!)

Is smoking outside next to other diners without asking rude? (Is the outdoors the only (non)-non-smoking area anymore?)

Is talking annoyingly loud (in an obnoxious tone) on a cell phone in public rude? (Yes, we do see you.)

Is causing havoc by driving the wrong way in a parking lot while gnawing on a fried chicken leg rude? (I saw this.)

Is monkeying with one's phone, when with a group or on a date, rude?

Is cutting in line (any line) rude?

Is chewing food with one's mouth open rude?

Is smacking gum rude? (Especially if you are my waiter.)America's Original Dubble Bubble Gum, 300 Pieces (Google Affiliate Ad)

Is taking up two parking spaces rude?

Is wearing pajamas to Walmart Publix rude? (I am not sure that wearing pajamas in Walmart is rude anymore.)

Is throwing out all of the trash in one's car into a parking lot rude?

Is mumbling or whispering so low that one is undecipherable rude?

While discussing this topic with my team we had a epiphany. Rude people are usually stupid people. The discussion of stupid people turned into a discussion about ignorant people. The discussion of ignorant people turned into a discussion of education. The obligatory "You can't teach stupid" comment hit the table with a thud. The discussion of being unable to educate an imbecile turned into a discussion of idiots in general, which landed us dead in the center of gf territory.

Idiot T Shirt by gf

A generation of idiots who do not know how to speak has been raised in this country. Correct verb usage by this group of idiots is a pipe dream. They especially destroy the verb to be. "Is ya'll goin' to de sto?" is definitely not English. I would say that this speak is a lot like "Spanglish", but instead of mixing Spanish and English, it is a mixture of half English and half Ghetto. Shall we call it Ganglish? "Yes Sir" and "Yes Ma'am" are not included in this Ganglish language. They do not understand, nor do they execute proper sentence structure. They cannot read. They absolutely cannot read out loud. They are not familiar with reasoning, which, of course, derails any type of calculating, debating, empathy, moral thought, prioritizing, etc.. Therefore, they are perceived as rude and thoughtless beings. They are thoughtless, except of course for those shallow and vain thoughts that they may occasionally have about themselves.
Rude.

But Hey, on the positive side, they can play the crap out of a video game. 

Rude, by the way, is far different from being a smart ass, clever, sarcastic, or downright mean. Rudeness has its roots in selfishness. I am trying to remember when America was not selfish and rude. But then again, maybe it has always been selfish and rude. The Deep South has had an image of being genteel and polite. Seriously, The South has always been hypocritical. One can slather oneself with "yes ma'ams", "sugars", and "honey childs", but still be rude. But alas, The South is even losing that genteel touch of hypocrisy.

I believe that this ignorance started when the Country decided that all children should pass in school with flying colors, despite whether they deserved to pass or not. The "No child left behind" project is a complete train wreck.

When I was a kid in school we knew very clearly who the idiots were. I am not speaking of the mentally challenged or special needs kids here. I am speaking of the lazy idiots who did not care. They were failed with a quickness. I went to seventh grade with an eighteen year old named Stewart. He drove his car to work. He never could pass the seventh grade. He was clever, but he did not care about school. He knew he wanted to paint houses for a living. I am glad that the school did not pass him. I am glad that the school did not demoralize those who were studying hard for a good grade and lower the bar. He did not study so he failed. Maybe if we held students accountable they would eventually get a clue. By the way, I heard that Stewart was an excellent painter.

 Until then we will have to deal with these lazy ignoramuses who walk around like Zombies, and who think that they are entitled, and who are rude to everyone that they come in contact with.

If you are an idiot please refrain from being a rude idiot. It is annoying.

Thanks for reading,
gf

I Gotta Go Roll Up My Windows

  I have not rambled aimlessly for some time now (being overly obsessed with barbecue hunting), but I will regress for your enjoyment.  A reader of many blogs and other noteworthy scribing I have found that there are extraordinarily smart people out there. I do not subscribe to being smart just to be smart. Smartness must have a purpose, a place, a higher goal. Therefore, I subscribe to be clever, if not clever, then at least not an idiot.

  Maybe my tombstone will read "Not the smartest cookie, but not just a crumb." I obsess with idiotic behavior, and my goal in life is to point it out. Plenty of idiotic behavior goes undocumented. We must document this behavior for the future of the species. Otherwise, the ants and the roaches will take over the world. No, the rats and the mice will NOT take over the world as they are too much like us. Duh... has one ever heard of Micky Mouse and Atom Ant? Atom Ant will kick Micky's butt any day of the week.

http://weirdthings.com/2009/10/the-labrador-sea-monster/

  Sometimes I genuinely feel awful that I do not have something intelligent, deep, and or even spiritual to share with my readers. I do not. I care not for the depths of the mental oceans where sea monsters swallow time and space. I fear those monsters who make us pull our brains out of our skulls and examine them with piercing stainless steel picks to drain out the inadequacy of our spirits. I choose rather to jet ski on top of this dread ocean full of mental monsters. I ride with a shotgun in hand as I may need to shoot any wayward tentacles that may arise in the mist.

  Speaking of mists, there are idiots in the steamy mists of summer, and they must be documented.

  It is summertime in the Deep South. Hotness rules the day, that is, until the afternoon thunderstorms roll in and dump liquid sunshine on unsuspecting drivers. I am curious why some individuals leave their car windows down in the summer. Is there a significant difference in temperature with the windows down versus up? Do they lock their doors in the wintertime? If so, why? Do they have radios that work in their cars or have they been ripped out already?

  What truly baffles me is (no matter what the driver is doing at the time) their action must be discontinued immediately due to the "surprise" thunder shower. It matters not what the activity is at hand.

• Have you been waiting in line at the bank for fifteen minutes? Go roll up your windows - its raining.
• Are you waiting on tables at work? Go roll up your windows - its pouring.
• Is your shopping cart full at the grocery store (with ice cream deicing)? Forget it - your floorboard is two inches deep in water.

 Thunderstorm activity may not happen everywhere in the world, but it does happen here. If one lives in the Deep South, one will encounter thunderstorms with some regularity during the summer months.

  I can only conclude that the idiots who leave their windows down during these summer months are not from the South. They may be illegal. Maybe they have infiltrated to inbreed with the logical and intelligent in our society. Only then, when we are all dumbed down enough, they will strike and peel off their outer epidermis to reveal that they are prickly skinned aliens... right. Maybe they are Yankees. No, Yankees are smarter that that.

 It could be that the drivers that I speak of do not have air conditioning. This is the only logical answer. Maybe the two-degree difference in the temperature of their car with the windows down is significant enough to warrant such idiocy.

  What ever the reason, we must fight back. We must stop this behavior. We must save mankind.

Thanks for reading,
gf

Fox Brothers BBQ ~ Atlanta, Georgia

Here are The Top Ten Quotes about Fox Brothers BBQ that amuse gf:

• "Atlanta foodies were rabid for the stuff and I quickly found out why." ~ Blissful Glutton

• "Alas, I am weak and the siren call of Fox Brothers Bar BQ was too much for me." ~ Adventurous Taste 

• "At its best, the restaurant will do you right. On an off day, you’ll still get out of there feeling alright." ~ FoodieBudda.com

• "Good barbecue is worth a bit of a drive, even in lousy weather." ~ Food Near Snellville

• "The best barbecue I’ve ever had was at my uncle’s." ~ Chow Down Atlanta

• "Most BBQ places are trying to mimic each other, but Fox Bros really cooks to the beat of its own smoker..." ~ The Food Abides

• "In the case of Fox Bros, where there is hype, there is smoke." ~ TheFoodList.org

• "Thankfully there’s a distinct smokiness to the air once you near Fox Brothers, and the sight of a number of smoker chimneys pouring out hickory smoke is always a welcome view." ~ The Cynical Cook  

• "BBQ is my passion, and Fox Brothers is my sanctuary." ~ The Steriotypist

• "I guess it’s time to start slapping momma’s around here." ~ Tastebud Smack

  Differing opinions about barbecue make it a unique food in the South. I have had the fortune of living in various places, in the Deep South, during my brief sojourn on this planet, and each region has its own take on BBQ. North Carolina has spectacular BBQ that has a quaint bit of sweetness and vinegar. South Carolina favors rice topped with "hash" and yellow mustard BBQ sauce (yum). Tennessee loves sugary and smokey "Q". Alabama and Florida enjoy slicing the stuff up and pouring a runny tangy sauce over the whole mess. Mississippi goes for a zesty semi-sweet goodness that has become a gf favorite. Texas offers up dry rubs and slow cooking, and they know how to barbecue beef. Georgians love to overcook most anything (which is not necessarily a terrible thing), and barbecue is no exception. I am not a giant fan of most Georgia barbecue. Most of the sauces in Georgia are runny and more spicy than flavored. I know, but I also have an opinion. It is OK...really.

Click here to peruse  more about the Deep South.

  So far I speak mostly of the sauces that go with the barbecue rather than the cooking process of the barbecue. This is the issue that is messing with most  reviewer's frontal lobes in regards to Fox Brothers BBQ. One could slather most any style sauce on their BBQ, and it would be a winner because they know how to cook barbecue properly.

  Some concerns have arisen about Fox Brothers being inconsistent. Get over it. That is the problem with Americans; they want everything "cookie-cutter" style. For an uber-consistent BBQ meal, eat at  a fast-food restaurant, that serves fake ribs on a hoagie bun. I am sure that those sandwiches are consistent...(wait for it)... but horrible. However, if you want to live on the edge and eat some spectacular, original, messy, some-what-inconsistent-on-occasion, delicious eats go to Fox Brothers BBQ.

Smoked wings

  Fox Brothers smoke stacks tell the tale completely. Their meats are cooked low and slow (in some expensive equipment) and tended to by a team that cares about the quality of food that they prepare. The brisket was tender and smoked well. The ribs were delicious and fell off the bone. The chopped barbecue, although dry without sauce, leaves the eater to decide how much sauce is needed for their own preferences. The wings were absolutely inspirational. Fox Brothers showed off the smoke rings on the prepared meats with pride. However, 86 the fried ribs (they were not on the menu). Hopefully the fried ribs were just a test of the BBQ Emergency Broadcast System. "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. The broadcasters of your area in voluntary cooperation with the Federal, State and local authorities have developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency. If this had been an actual emergency, (like putting fried ribs on the menu) the Attention Signal you just heard would have been followed by official information, news or instructions. This station (According to gf) serves the (Deep South) area. This concludes this test of the Emergency Broadcast System."

"This is only a test."

  Barbeque is sacred in the South, so I guess that makes Fox Brothers BBQ a church that is full of swaying, foot stomping,  hand waving people singing its praises.

86 old condiment holders, please.

Great job, and thanks for cooking sumptuous barbecue in Georgia.

Fox Brothers View "The Wall"

Thanks for reading,
gf

DiChicko's Peri-Peri Cafe ~ Augusta, Georgia

  Jill, Alex, Katelyn, and I arrived at DiChickO's Peri-Peri Cafe with cautious anticipation, having never dined there before. Upon entering, we found ourselves in a health store stocked with every conceivable health pill and potion known to man. As we made our way through the small jungle of plants and herbs that were for sale in the entry way, I secretly picked out a Rosemary sprig that I intended to bring home.  To the left there were three rows of grocery items. Items such as  whole-grain breads, nuts, flax, and crazy uber-healthy-looking seed and herbs (that look like marijuana and such), packed into nifty plastic boxes with clicky-click lids. You know the type lids I speak of, so do not mouth "clicky-click" silently.

  We meandered to the back of the store and stood by the "CLOSED" sign and read the store hours with our heads slightly cocked to the left. The sign said: "Saturday 11:00-3:00". We looked at our watches. (Actually, we looked at cell phones.) Then we looked at each other, cocked our heads, and blinked several times, the way George Bush Jr. used to do at press conferences. We finally stepped up to the young lady at the register and asked if they were still serving lunch. She graciously apologized for the sign faux pas and gave us a menu to explore.

   DiChickO's has an easy to read menu with sandwiches, soups, salads, "flaps", quesadillas, and smoothies. On the back side of the menu, there is a chart that has nutritional information. This nutritional page was the first gold star that I awarded DiChicO's. I am not "in the know" of this cafe's affairs, but after speaking to some regular patrons, I found out that they are in the process of moving the kitchen (most likely due to Master's week ending). This may explain the overall clumsiness of the cafe's appearance and execution of order taking.
We found a comfortable table with slightly wiggly chairs after placing our orders and gathering our drinks.

  Settling down, we chatted about DiChickO's signature Peri-Peri sauces which were prominently on display. The Extra Hot is premier. This is a terrific sauce. It has heat with tons of flavor. If you go to DiChickO's and do not see anything on the menu that you might like, just buy the sauce and leave. I ended up slathering it all over the Mahi Mahi Panini sandwich that I ordered. It made this epic sandwich "Peri-Peri-epic" (golf applause). The flavors offered are Garlic, Lemon Pepper, Mild, Medium, Hot, and Extra Hot. Just get the Extra Hot and be done with it. You can order these sauces on line by going to www.dichickos.com.

  The food delivery was quick enough, although we were distracted by the tea remaking process. Hold times on sweetened tea should be a discussion at the next manager's meeting. "We made it fresh this morning" was a team member's try at an apology. That let me know that The Boy had swallowed four-and-a-half-hour-old-room-temperature sweet tea (give or take thirty minutes). Yuck-O. The guacamole dip served with blue corn chips also helped us through the tea dilemma. Freshly made with avocados, diced tomatoes, and red onions, it was a rock star appetizer. The new batch of tea delivered with our lunch made everything right as rain. The Mahi-Mahi Melt was spectacular. It is marked on the menu (with an umbrella tag) as having fewer than 400 calories. I figure that I lowered that to 300 calories by dipping it in the Extra Hot Peri-Peri sauce as aforementioned.

  We thoroughly enjoyed our lunches while we chatted about the uniqueness of the cafe. This is a fairly random dining environment. The cafe is squashed into the back of New Life Natural Foods. Cushy couches are strategically placed in the cafe for reading books and enjoying beverages the way that the cast of "Friends" used to do. There where books labeled "Not for sale, but you may read them" on specially marked bookshelves. The right of the market is a bookstore nook which also sported its own cushy couch. The left of the market was organic produce, breads, and the "clicky click" boxes. This is where Alex spotted "Bible Bread". I am not real sure about this bread yet. I will have to investigate and report the findings. Overall, DiChickO's is a perfect spot to pick up a healthy lunch. Go to www.newlifeaugusta.com to check out the market's information.

On a scale of one to five hot sauce flavors, DiChickO's Peri-Peri Cafe, I give thee four hot sauce flavors!

Thanks for reading,

gf

Fogo de Chao Churrascaria ~ Atlanta, Georgia

  I fortunately reached a historic day, as I turned the ripened age of fifty.  I sound like a rotting piece of fruit, but this called for a celebration. My wife was perplexed over where we should celebrate until she started a search on Urbanspoon. She chose Fogo de Chao Churrascaria after reading several reviews. She hit a home run. We had a fantastic time and an excellent dinner. However, as usual, there is a story.


  While relaxing before dinner, I had done some research about Brazilian food. Many of my friends are world travelers. So naturally, I asked my Brazilian friend Judy about what to expect at a Brazilian restaurant. She jumped for joy (if you can do that on line) as I was about to dine at her favorite restaurant. She explained to me what foods would be available. She instructed me to ask for "maminha na manteiga" for dinner and "Mousse de Maracuja" for dessert.


  Judy seems like a sweet woman and has never been hostile to me. However, after translating maminha na mantegia, I wondered if this would be her version of a birthday prank. She had instructed me to ask for "titty butter" from the Gauchos. I was not sure if I would be able ask for this special cut of meat without getting slapped. After much ado, Judy assured me that "titty butter" was a literal translation. She also assured me that in no way was it meant to be a comment that would fall into that "grey area". Yeah, right. "Please pass the titty butter."


  We booked an early reservation on Saturday night. From the suburbs, with Braves baseball traffic jamming I-75/I-85, it only took forty five minutes to arrive at Fogo de Chao's free valet parking service. The bar swarmed with activity upon our arrival. Ladies wearing summer blouses with matching purses and four inch sandals garnished the bar the way that limes decorate a Brazilian cocktail. The entry had an energy of anticipation.  The mingling of the hosts and guests at the bar pleasantly distracted us upon entering. While the hostess seated us immediately, I noticed no Southern slang, such as Ya'll, honey, sugar, or any other derivative of Sir or Ma'am in her language. What a pleasure (although I enjoy a decent "sugar pie" every now and again.)! On the way to the table, the expansive and never-ending wine racks mesmerized me.


  Servers dodged the Gaucho dudes wearing funny-looking boots, and wide black belts, toting hot skewers of cooked protein. Every worker scurried about in organized chaos. Amazingly the staff did not run into each other, the way mindless Atlantians do while driving in the rain on I-285. The hostess guided us to a comfortable white tablecloth two-top. The dimmed room gave out a cozy vibe. The server immediately came to the table and told us the routine. A blizzard of information attacked our frontal lobes. The quad-fold brochure-looking menu was even more dizzying than the waiter's interpretation of the same. Therefore, I put the "menu" down and ordered some Brazilian red wine. I figured out relatively quickly that this was a fancy-dance-all-you-can-eat. (I am sure someone will school me one day on the proper use of hyphens.) Where is Nell?


  Part of the routine is the red and green disks placed on the tables. Yes, green equals go, and red equals stop. The Gaucho dudes will not stop coming, until one flips the disk to red. Remember, I gave fair warning. The server gave us the green light to go to the salad bar. Now, take "THAT" image of a salad bar out of your mind. It was more like a salad hill than a salad bar. I did veer away from the giant marinated beans, but I found the choices unique and fresh. I especially enjoyed the Heart of Palm and the Tabouli salad. As I started to stock my plate, I heard "Don't fill up on the salad and pastas." It was Judy whispering in my ear.


  Shuddering hearing her voice in my head, I stopped filling my plate and settled down to enjoy my salad. Soon thereafter, my wife and I looked at the red disks, then looked at each other. This continued for several moments until we took the plunge and flipped the disks to green. A whirlwind of boots, belts, and skewered meat encircled the table. The Gauchos quickly delivered Sirloin, chicken, lamb, sausage, Ribeye, and Filet until stopped with the red disk. Every cut was excellent. 


  Then I just had to ask for it. I had long forgotten how to ask in Portuguese for the cut of meat that Judy had described as the best. I decided to cut to the chase, and I asked the waiter for "the meat that translates to 'titty butter' in Portuguese". He let us know that although it is a remarkable cut of sirloin, they were not serving the Tri-tip sirloin at this time. Rats.


  We did enjoy the Flan and the Passion Fruit desserts. The entire experience was delightful. I recommend Fogo de Chao for any special occasion.

On a scale of one to five meat skewers, Fogo de Chao Churrascaria, I give thee five meat skewers.

Thanks for reading!
gf