Magnolia ~ The Devil's Tree

  I have figured out the meaning of life. Yes, yes I have. So sit up and pay freaking attention.

  Life is a giant test, or at least an ongoing annoying quiz at times. At the end of this test there is accountability, so one might want to straighten up a bit. Now for me personally, I am trying to cram for the final exam. Hopefully, I will pull out an A with some extra credit points on the final... just like my adventures in High School Chemistry. Hey, I passed with a D- ... my professor raged about my wasted potential.

 There are many tests in this life and the Magnolia tree is a test straight from the Devil. It is "the Devil's tree" according to gf.

  This is the second encounter I have had with a Magnolia. The first was with my grandmother "Mére's", or translated in to Southern, "Mater's" Magnolia. As the story goes, Grandfather saw the budding Magnolia, and knowing that it was of the Devil cut it down. The Devil was enraged and sprouted four trees from the cut down root. That tree(s) is still among us today, and it is mammoth. It will never die. Since I did not live nearby, my cousins no doubt took the brunt of the punishment that the devil tree divvied out. I now know their pain.

  Now logically, if the Magnolia is the Devil's tree, then that would make Mississippi the Devil state, since they have embraced and glorified this tree. I better inform my sister about this as she lives in The Magnolia State. She may not know that she is playing on the wrong team.

  Let me explain why I believe the Magnolia is evil. 

  1. Most trees grow modestly throughout the year and let go of their leaves in the fall... One stop shop. Not the evil Magnolia, it drops it's leaves when ever it pleases. Let me tell you, it pleases fairly frequently. 

  2. The Magnolia's flowers are beautiful white delicate flowers that are the size of a fat baby's head. The trouble with the flowers is that one can never reach them. The tree is fifty feet tall and one would break their neck trying to pluck the flowers. That is exactly what the Devil wants. 

  3. The Magnolia has an evil black trunk that looks inviting from afar. The old "beauty from afar" trick. Every girl looks good in a bikini when she is half a mile down the beach.

  4. The Magnolia grows like an adolescent that eats extra large pizzas five times a week. It is abnormal I tell you.

  5. The amount of energy it takes to maintain a Magnolia is not found with any other plant in the plant kingdom. 

  The tree in my yard is testing me. I could have it cut down, but then my test would be cut short. If I cut my test short then my rewards in heaven will be diminished. I must rake weekly without complaining. I must bag the leaves weekly, lest I have to bag up fifteen extra large stretchy lawn bags like I did this Thursday. I must pick up sticks and hard round prickly ball things before I mow each week to protect my riding lawn mower from damage to the undercarriage. I must have the tree trimmed back yearly lest its ever reaching shade chokes out all forms of life in my front yard. I am the Magnolia tree's bitch. 

  Dare I revolt? No. I must obey the evil Devil tree. It owns me. I am its slave. My fate in the future depends on it. I am being tested. I must pass the test. 

  Why do I feel like no matter how well I do on this test I will just wrap up with a D- final grade? 

I hate Magnolias. Magnolias belong in empty fields with plenty of room to grow. Idiots plant Magnolias in subdivisions. I thank the previous owners of this hallowed ground for planting this test in my front yard. They are making me a stronger person every day. Who ever said idiots could not be helpful?

Thanks for reading,

gf

  

Kentucky Fried Politics

   Our society has forgotten the rules. Rules like "Thou shall not bear false witness" (don't lie) and "Thou shall not steal" are the two that come to mind lately. Humanity has had these rules in play for eons, and has had them for good reasons. Not holding our leaders and ourselves accountable to rules is why I think America and the world has gone completely into the shitter. There really is no other logical explanation for our plight. 

  The idiotic crap that has been beamed over the brain-washing-machine (TV) has helped suck our society into a vortex of ignorance. KFC currently has the worst advertisement on TV in recent history according to gf. 

  The scene is as follows: Two are cops in a patrol car. The young gullible noob cop is lied to and tricked by the senior cop. The senior cop then proceeds to steal the noob cop's KFC. Whatever happened to cops eating doughnuts?

  Let us review what this teaches the myriads of mindless sheeple who watch TV to gain their daily dose of information.

1.  It is OK for police to lie.

2.  It is OK for police to steal.

3.  It is OK for people of authority to prey on the innocent and weak minded.

4.  It is OK for people of authority to take from citizens and or other government workers for personal gain.

5.  It is OK to put others in harms way for personal gain.

6.  It is OK to steal and manipulate others while on the government's clock.

7.  If personal gain is at stake one is to pay no attention to the job at hand (protecting the innocent).

8.  Never question authority. They are trustworthy.
9.  Thinking is a nonessential activity.
10. Always assume that others have your best interests in mind.

  When I was a kid I too watched TV (we had two channels). Watching Captain Kangaroo trying to keep Bunny Rabbit in line was entertaining. Bunny Rabbit would do anything for carrots. The Captain would go to great lengths to manage Bunny Rabbit and would often get exasperated, rained on with ping-pong balls, and confused as he dealt with other obstacles while keeping Bunny in line. At the end of the day I knew that Bunny was tricking the Captain and that it was wrong. I also knew it was hard work keeping honest and dishonest people honest. Unfortunately, with this crap commercial from the Pepsi Company/KFC there is no "moral to the story" moment like there was when I watched the Captain Kangaroo Show.

  When one starts to peel the onion of deception in America the lies go all the way to the core. The current administration has reached new heights in subterfuge. The lies about IRS; Benghazi; NSA; The (un)Affordable Care Act are no doubt the tip of the iceberg in this administration.

Here is a video that shows our great leader in action. http://theblacksphere.net/2013/11/chronology-obamacare-lie/

  Our great and powerful OzBama being caught in a lie is disturbing. However, even more disturbing are the hidden lies that impact the common man every day. Specifically, food production has to be the biggest lie in my generation. When I was young words like "fortified" were used to promote man-made products. "Fortified" sounds strong and safe. "Homogenized" came around and also sounded like a safe friend. I am not so sure about that anymore. There are myriads and myriads of food products that are poisoned or "fortified" with man-made processes. People wonder why they are sick. The saying "You are what you eat" was chimed often by my elders while I was growing up. Obviously, no one paid attention to that saying. If big corporations can make something cheaper and make more profit from the sale of it, that is the business plan. Advertisements always speak of the benefits the users will receive if the companies products are purchased. Lies. All of it. Well, that may not be completely true. A great lie has just enough truth in it to be believable.

McDonald's: There is no doubt in my mind that McDonald's has to be the big-business-leader-of-lies. Once upon a time (in Camelot) this advertisement may have been true, but I doubt it.

Click here for an article about Jamie Oliver proving that McDonald's hamburgers are unfit for human consumption

Febreze: I just happened to read the ingredient list on a bottle of Febreze that was in my kitchen today. The ingredient list starts as follows:  "odor eliminator", water, fragrance, non-flammable natural propellant, quality control ingredients. First of all, how is it that they can use the word "ingredient" in the list of ingredients? Second of all, what do we know now after reading this list that we did not know already? Third of all, would some scientist please tell me what the hell I am spraying all over my house to cover the idiot-dog smell?! Logic has left us completely. Febreze advertisements show common sheeple siting blindfolded in a fish market or some other crap-hole oblivious to the stench. How is this possible?  WE DON'T KNOW!! Excellent job by big brother protecting the innocent. It is high time the innocent protect the innocent.

Cigarettes:
  This is another classic example of big business lying.

Which brings me to my next group of liars...
Doctors / Pharmaceutical Companies / Insurance Companies
  It is becoming quite clear to gf that the business of doctoring folks is not about curing or healing as much as it is about making money. The next time you see a commercial on TV or read an add in print about pharmaceutical drugs take extra notice of the communication about the side-effects. They are as long or longer than the add itself. If one truly is paying attention to these side-effects, one would never ingest the product. Pharmaceutical drugs are not about curing illness but rather masking the illness. Have you ever seen one of those legal adds on TV about a drug gone bad? "If you have ever taken the drug ('blah blah') you may be able to collect compensation". Does the public ever stand back and really hear this? What if you heard " If you have ever eaten thirty green apples during a month you may be eligible for compensation."? Yea, that makes no sense. If one ate twenty green apples at a time one would possibly be on the crapper for a hot minute. However, if one ingested twenty pills of any drug one would be dead... most likely.
  These companies are about making money on sick people. They do not have any desire or interest about healing or curing; that would lower their profits. Drugs are poison. Toxins. Unnatural. Mankind has survived for eons without them. I am not suggesting that there are not instances where they are helpful, but they still are toxins to our system. Alcohol is helpful at times, but it is still a toxin. I say "Practice" your medicine on someone else. I want no part of being a test monkey. 
  Insurance companies are getting rich off of the whole bit. "You will get sick" they seem to say... Why would I get sick? Well, if I eat enough crap non-food and pop enough pills, sit on my butt long enough, stress out all day every day, and sleep less I should be good and sick in no time. Why has living healthy become an emergency? We need health insurance to secure our health? I would be ok with bone insurance, cut insurance, sprain insurance, bacteria insurance, or even viral insurance. What a racket. I just cannot wait for the government to get into the insurance game.

 So let's review the cycle of life in America. The government approves GMO's and the use of pesticides to "improve" and increase food production (profits). Because this poisoned food makes us sick, the pharmaceutical companies get their toxins approved with great prestidigitation by the FDA. They do this to mask the symptoms and increase the amount of toxins in order to keep our bodies sick. This helps the doctors and pharmaceutical companies busy. Prescribing boat loads of toxic and unnecessary drugs keeps the cash flow at acceptable levels for both parties. "To help the public out" the insurance companies come to the rescue. Lies. They are there to help themselves out. Now the Great OzBama wants a piece of the action. Yes, government is big business...real big. The only missing element to make the circle of life complete is death. 
  "It's the year 2022...People are still the same. They'll do anything to get what they need. And they need Soylent Green." Click here if you have no idea what Soylent Green is.

Ingredients: Sarcasm, random information, humor, pictures, poor grammar, misspelling, comma splices, clever links, stolen pictures, slang, swearing, "odd" political opinions, awkward sentence structure, clever colloquialisms, red 40, yellow 5, yellow 6, blue 1, artificial flavors.

Thanks for reading,
gf

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

  I am not sure when it started, nor am I clear on who could be held responsible for it. Regardless, it is here, and I see it almost every day. And yes, it annoys me.

  While shying away from making a comment that I was ever an athlete, I did participate in athletic activities. I do not recall ever seeing other athletes wearing neon colored shoes and other bizarre clothing. The individuals that I am about to speak of are not found in gyms, running tracks, or other venues of exercise. They prefer to be seen at eateries such as Starbucks, Panera Bread, and any other place where one can be "seen". They must be seen. 

  Sitting next to me this morning is an "athlete" wearing a bright purple spandex top, tight (overly tight) black-stretchy-shorts, a glittery multicolored head-band, hoop earrings, oversized reading glasses, and some god-awful glowing "running shoes". Ready for a workout beyond imagination, she has a laptop, a tablet, and a Japanese fan out and ready for use. Her other accessories include a yogurt, a large beverage, a oversized Coach bag, and a laptop carrying case. 

  Who needs fiction? This is the good stuff people. 

  Did she work out? If so why didn't she change out of her sweaty exercise garb before she enjoyed her reward of a Granola topped yogurt? What was the purpose of the Japanese fan? If she was hot, why was she drinking a freshly-brewed coffee? Did the hauling of multiple bags filled to the brim with hardware require wearing sportswear? How often does the coffee shop sanitize the chairs? Does the color combination of lime green, purple, orange make one run faster?  

  Now you must look at everyone's shoes. Does the shoe match the individual? This will be your secret humor for the next week.

  "If the shoe does not fit (the occasion) don't wear it" gf

At a farm? Wear boots.

At the beach? Wear flip-flops.

Out walking? Wear walking shoes.

At work? Wear work shoes.

Playing Basketball? Wear the Air Jordans.

Playing Baseball? Wear spikes.

Eating out? Wear the six inch heels.

Never go hiking? Never wear hiking boots.

Never go running? Never wear running shoes.

That is all I have to say about that.

Thanks for reading,

gf

Why Dogs are Idiots

  Let me preface this blog by saying that there actually are smart dogs amongst us. They are few and far between, but they do exist. These are the elite dogs. They are the dogs that may very well graduate summa cum laude, and may be on the verge of being promoted.

  Promoted to what you ask? Who cares! Any dog promotion is better than being a normal idiot dog. Maybe they will be promoted to a human. However, these promoted dogs will probably struggle with fractions and assessment tests after being promoted.

  I am convinced that dogs are a result of regeneration or reincarnation gone bad. Yes, it all makes sense to me now, since I have been living with two visiting dogs for more than a month. These two dogs are idiots. I will refer to them as "MJ" and "DK". MJ is the bigger idiot of the two as well as the younger. DK is calmer, but an idiot nonetheless. While watching the pure and unblemished stupidity of these dogs I have come to the realization that their existence must be a punishment or just plain Karma. I understand that the conservative religious sector of society will call my thoughts heretical, but they would do well to hear my gf logic.

  This line of thinking has made me look inwards at my own failures and idiotic behaviors during my life. High School alone may send me to a dog existence. I am going to be very careful moving forward so as to limit my idiotic instances.

  It makes perfect sense that the creator of life would provide the dog world as a retraining ground for humans. If you are an unadulterated bonafide idiot your entire life you will be become a dog. It is simple as that. An idiot does not need to be a human anymore. Humans were designed to live on a higher plane than that of a regular idiot. Maybe if you fail at being a dog you will become something else. MJ is well on her way to becoming a Jack Ass in her next life. The only way she will prevent this inevitable event is to pull a "Lassie" moment out of her butt.

http://www.jokeroo.com/pictures/animal/yoga-dog.html

 DK will remain a dog. She is sneaky and conniving and takes great pleasure in getting MJ in trouble. She will have plenty of company on her next go around though. I predict a great dog boom in the next several generations of dog life. It is mind boggling how many more dogs are being created by humans every year. For example, I would estimate that seventy-five percent of our great leaders in Washington are headed for a dog's life.

  Why else would be dogs be so kiss-ass? Man's best friend... yea, I know why. Trying to get out of dog world they are. Cats are not like this, neither are parakeets, and fish could give a crap about humans. It is only the canine who is interested in being "part of the family". Do not be lulled into this web of deceit. Cats are perfectly fine being cats. They actually relish being a cat. A cat has no desire in the world to be anything different than a cat. It is as if they have finally arrived in THE perfect world... Cat world. Cat world is full of naps, special food, and licking. Who would want more?

  What happens to dogs who fail at dog world...MJ? It is a frightening thought indeed. I suggested a rat world to the family, but that idea was rejected. "Rats are way too smart and resilient." Then I guess that puts the Cockroach out of the running as well... Squirrels have way to much fun... uh, let's just go with a toad. Karma can go downhill fast from a toad. If you fail as a toad you may end up as a snail. Insects have to be at the end of the road. This is why ants and bees bust ass to get things done. It really must suck being an ant. Bees work hard to just be ripped off. That sucks. Worms, yes the worm world is the end of the line.

 Some idiot folk may just skip the dog world.
 "Hey what ever happened to that creepy lady who got Obama Care to "work"?"
       "Oh, I heard that she is now one of those deep sea fish who glow green and have ugly teeth."

 Look around yourself this week and try to figure out which of the people that you come in contact with are going to become dogs. Then, just for fun, try to figure out what kind of dog they will become.

Why then are dogs idiots? Well, because they are and always have been idiots. They have worked real hard for a very long time at being idiots.  Let's hope that they can focus and not become a toad.

Reincarnation is an interesting thought isn't it? I've been thinking a lot about dogs lately.

Thanks for reading,
gf

The Hypocrisy of Sweet Tea on Sunday

Watching "Christians" dining out, while they are at your favorite restaurant on a Sunday, can be a lesson in hypocrisy according to gf.

While growing up in a conservative environment, I was immersed in the knowledge of good and evil. Evil included working on Sundays. I was always taught that one should follow the Ten Commandments. The fourth commandment, in The Book of Exodus chapter 20, is the commandment about the Sabbath. Check it out.

  "8 Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. 9 Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, 10 but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. 11 For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. " 

Taking the day off when the Creator took a day off is the fourth most important rule in this universe.
I need to think about that for a hot minute... 

   Anyway... Evidently The Sabbath was "leftover day" as no one cooked. The servants were at the lake.

  Now, there is the question of which day is the Seventh day. Currently Saturday is the seventh day. Most go to church on Sunday which is the first day. FYI the people who go to church on Saturday are made fun of by the Sunday-church-goers because they miss all of the good college football games.
  The Seventh Day Adventist obviously know how to read a calendar. But wait, who made the calendar? The Vikings did. Yes... Vikings.. well, The Vikings and The Mayans did. And we all now know how accurate the Mayan calendar turned out to be. Great job on the end of the world date fail by the way.

  Moses was a Jew, so maybe we should just stick with their calendar. Hey, it is their law anyway. Maybe the Ten Commandments only apply to Jews! Whee!!

  Sunday worshipers have made their own commandments. Let's see if the" Mighty gf" (hey, say that with some enthusiasm like "The Mighty and Powerful Oz".) can recall them all.

  1. Thou shalt have no other denominations before thee (Your current denomination is the only one that will save you from hell fire.).

  2. Thou shalt make into thee a giant graven image, which ye shall call a place of worship. (Make sure it has a recreation center with a full-sized basketball court. At least have lots of idols and candles if you cannot afford a basketball court. If one cannot afford the aforementioned adornments, at least have a band with an electric guitar and a drum set.)

  3. Thou are only allowed to take the name of The Lord your God in vain at sporting events and only when you are really, really, really mad.

  4. Remember the Sabbath day to go out to eat after worship. Six days you will labor and do all of your work, but on the seventh day (or the first, if you must insist) you shall eat out and make sure that all of your servants work for small tips. Oh, and be extra haughty and hateful as a new week is upon you. (Be sure to witness to them (...spreading your message to the ends of the earth...) and let the servants know that they should not be working, but rather remembering the Sabbath with you. Leave the servants a bible tract to read, because bible tract literature is such a terribly efficient communication vehicle.

  5.  Dishonor your Father and Mother by not paying attention to the messages in church and "playing church"...that your days may be long in the land... 

  6.  Thou shall not murder, unless you have plausible deniability and a great lawyer. 

  7.  Thou shall not commit adultery. (This is just a suggestion.)
  8.  Thou shall not steal. But, that does not mean you have to give, and it excludes restaurant small wares such as salt shakers, ramekins, and steak knives.
  9.  Thou shalt not bear false witness. (This is an archaic rule and one to be ignored completely. Hey, everyone lies.)
  10.  Thou shalt not covet. However "keeping up with the Jones'" is completely fine.
  11. Thou shalt run thy servant often for extra Diet Cokes, Orange Soda, sour cream, and extra napkins.
  12. Thou shall not read the fine print on any coupon.
  13. Thou shalt threaten the server with a complaint and small tips when things are not perfect.
  14. Thou shalt order more calories (enough to sustain two humans for three days) by ordering giant combo platters with extra sides and condiments.
  15. Thou shalt be hateful and condescending after your weekly worship service.

  I realize that my cynicism has become legend, but I come by it honestly. It is utterly ridiculous when one starts to add up all of the hypocrisy created by all of the "believers" in history. I will not bore you with recanting all of the treacheries of mortals in the name of The God or a god. Pick up a history book, or better yet, look at a newspaper to see this hypocrisy for yourself.
  It is not because I do not believe in God why I think this way. Believing in God is not hard for me. When I look at nature's complexity and diversity, the answer of  "Is there a God" is a nobrainer. Oh, sure, right... we crawled out of a mud pool... I forgot. Whatever. Maybe you crawled out of a mud pool, but I did not. The Chicken came before the egg according to gf.

  What does make my head swim is how so many people can screw something up like "This is My command: Love one another as I have loved you." so horribly. The quickness in which the "Word of the Lord" escapes Sunday worshiper's brains (if indeed it ever reached that far) is record breaking. One just needs to watch them eat at a restaurant after they go to church. If I were a  preacher and I wanted to make a positive impact on the local community, I would preach the fourth commandment every other week.
 This commandment has been trashed. It seems to me that it is a very straightforward commandment. 1,2,3,4,5,6, rest. Got it. Easy. Who lost count? Jackass theologians is my best guess. Great job. Let's see now, how can we expect for any of the hard commandments to be followed correctly if the easiest one stumps mankind. No wonder there is so much adultery, killing, coveting, stealing and bearing of false witness going on these days.

  So let's get back on track here. Moving forward... go to church on Saturdays. Listen to the preacher talk about love and let that concept sink in for a minute or two. Go home after church and eat leftovers. Yes, the restaurant industry will lose money, but the servants will love you.


  Thanks for reading,
gf

Dropped Ice Cream Cones

  What in the hell is wrong with America?

  Wait, let me answer my own question. 

Many Americans are idiots, or sloths, and many have become those who do not wish to be held accountable for their own actions. It would appear that there is a growing number who think they are entitled. How in the world could anyone, from a nation of immigrants, ever possibly feel entitled is beyond gf. 

  If I was fortunate enough as a child to acquire an ice cream cone from the local ice cream truck vendor (and I was, as I wore "husky" size clothes for many years), I knew it was very important to shove the treat in my mouth with a quickness, so as not to drop it on the ground. If I were to drop my treat on the ground I knew it was "game over" - No discussion, no re-do, no more ice cream. Done. (My wife still wonders why, on occasion, I eat things that I have errantly dropped on the floor.) Hey, three second rule... and she is an excellent house keeper. There are no nocuous germs on her kitchen floor.

  This idea of "no new ice cream cones if you drop it" mentality has been infected by video games. Yep, children playing video games are responsible for this change in thinking, however, not totally, as the game creators have a responsibility to bear. Someone desperately needs to hold these chaos creators accountable. I know that the game creators have given back to society as well. Most children now know how to kill Zombies and fly hovercraft.

When one plays Chess, Tic-Tac-Toe, Checkers, Risk, or Monopoly there are no do-overs. One may luck up on a  "get out of jail card", a lucky roll of the dice, or a player who is not paying attention, but that is about it. In video games there is very little accountability, as one can save the game along the way, and therefore, one does not have to completely start over. Yep, the good old do-over.

  The do-over has become an American epidemic. We now do-over everything and anything. Thinking is not an action that is needed... because one can just do-over.  Not happy with your spouse? Do-over. Failed 8th Grade again? Do-over. Wait, no, scratch that... "No one left behind"... what was I thinking? 

  Do-over disease may be why many folks have issues with umpires. Umpires are in charge of do-overs. Hey, some folks do not like God. They don't think he is going to hand out many do-overs on the judgement day. 

 I think a do-over is needed from time to time depending on the circumstance. However, some things just do not need to be done over. Ever. Like Disco. However, this idea that a kid can demand a new ice cream just because they are a klutz is idiotic. Why should the ice cream vendor have to incur this extra cost of goods?

  This poison goes even deeper though. The "I don't like this flavor of ice cream so I am entitled to get another flavor for free" crap is like a plague in our society. Some freaking four year olds are telling their servers "I don't like these chicken tenders, so I want something else". Seriously? Eat your damn chicken tenders already. Your delicate palate knows Kool-Aid and hot dogs. Shut it. Zip it.

  What happens when little Johnny grows

up? Anarchy. Everyone turns into a Gordon Ramsay of Casual Dining. Just great. I can't wait. Just for fun let's pause for a moment and imagine some of those comments.

                         Pausing.....

Well, the best one I thought of was:

  "This (microwaved) crab leg dinner just does not taste as fresh as it normally does".

  It is annoying to make a do-over when a child has dropped their food, but what the hell, make them a new one.

  Why?

 The kid will cry and the mother or father will be completely unsuccessful at consoling the child. The parents will then start to boil into a frenzy if the establishment does nothing. 

  The restaurant has to create a welfare fund for such occurrences. Yes, a secret welfare fund. It is also called a "price increase". 

  So what is the point of this ramble? 

•Take care of children or they will become suicide bombers.

•Do-overs are not so bad. Maybe you will need one soon. I know I do occasionally.

•Bitching raises prices in the end.

•Not being able to say "No" is what ruins civilization.

  So then, "What in the hell is wrong with America?" We just have lost the ability to say "no". This is why our great country is in the shit. Yea, I said it... In the shit. Our great leaders just cannot say no to the whining public because they are scared of not being popular (re-elected to their cushy spot). The leader's uniforms are spotless and pressed. They have not been in the game. Their inability to say no is how we have racked up trillions of dollars in debt and devalued the Dollar. Not being able to say no has pushed the entire world economy into the shit. Hey, everyone wants to be successful like the Americans. Yeah right... whatever.

  Give everyone a new ice cone. Never say no. This is how one ruins a country.

 See you at the soup kitchen.

Thanks for reading,

gf

Max Headroom for president.

Mind Your Manners!

  "Mind your manners son!" ~ I always expected a slap to the back of my head when I heard that phrase as a child.

  Most Americans do not share that same anxiety anymore. People are down right rude these days. Hell, they don't even know that they are rude. I believe that the majority of Americans are numbed to rude behavior. Genteel behavior alludes the masses. I can remember when men used to tip their hats to the ladies. Today the opening of a door for a date is nothing but a bygone memory. While at boarding school, we were imbued with many of these niceties, such as standing up when a lady came to be seated or left the table, and holding the chair for a lady if she was being seated next to you. Watching people interact at dinner in public is truly sad these days. I imagine that my old Professors and Faculty members think that the world has truly gone to crap.

So then, let me ask my readers some questions on rudeness.

Is walking in the middle of the road with your Homies (at a snails pace) when cars are coming rude?

www.Homies.tv

Is walking around with half of one's ass showing, and the crotch of one's pants shuffling between the knees rude?

www.funnyjunk.com

Is taking more than ten items into the "less than ten items" lane at the supermarket rude?

Is prating on endlessly with your date during a Willie Nelson Concert rude? (The dude is 79 years old; shut up already!)

Is smoking outside next to other diners without asking rude? (Is the outdoors the only (non)-non-smoking area anymore?)

Is talking annoyingly loud (in an obnoxious tone) on a cell phone in public rude? (Yes, we do see you.)

Is causing havoc by driving the wrong way in a parking lot while gnawing on a fried chicken leg rude? (I saw this.)

Is monkeying with one's phone, when with a group or on a date, rude?

Is cutting in line (any line) rude?

Is chewing food with one's mouth open rude?

Is smacking gum rude? (Especially if you are my waiter.)America's Original Dubble Bubble Gum, 300 Pieces (Google Affiliate Ad)

Is taking up two parking spaces rude?

Is wearing pajamas to Walmart Publix rude? (I am not sure that wearing pajamas in Walmart is rude anymore.)

Is throwing out all of the trash in one's car into a parking lot rude?

Is mumbling or whispering so low that one is undecipherable rude?

While discussing this topic with my team we had a epiphany. Rude people are usually stupid people. The discussion of stupid people turned into a discussion about ignorant people. The discussion of ignorant people turned into a discussion of education. The obligatory "You can't teach stupid" comment hit the table with a thud. The discussion of being unable to educate an imbecile turned into a discussion of idiots in general, which landed us dead in the center of gf territory.

Idiot T Shirt by gf

A generation of idiots who do not know how to speak has been raised in this country. Correct verb usage by this group of idiots is a pipe dream. They especially destroy the verb to be. "Is ya'll goin' to de sto?" is definitely not English. I would say that this speak is a lot like "Spanglish", but instead of mixing Spanish and English, it is a mixture of half English and half Ghetto. Shall we call it Ganglish? "Yes Sir" and "Yes Ma'am" are not included in this Ganglish language. They do not understand, nor do they execute proper sentence structure. They cannot read. They absolutely cannot read out loud. They are not familiar with reasoning, which, of course, derails any type of calculating, debating, empathy, moral thought, prioritizing, etc.. Therefore, they are perceived as rude and thoughtless beings. They are thoughtless, except of course for those shallow and vain thoughts that they may occasionally have about themselves.
Rude.

But Hey, on the positive side, they can play the crap out of a video game. 

Rude, by the way, is far different from being a smart ass, clever, sarcastic, or downright mean. Rudeness has its roots in selfishness. I am trying to remember when America was not selfish and rude. But then again, maybe it has always been selfish and rude. The Deep South has had an image of being genteel and polite. Seriously, The South has always been hypocritical. One can slather oneself with "yes ma'ams", "sugars", and "honey childs", but still be rude. But alas, The South is even losing that genteel touch of hypocrisy.

I believe that this ignorance started when the Country decided that all children should pass in school with flying colors, despite whether they deserved to pass or not. The "No child left behind" project is a complete train wreck.

When I was a kid in school we knew very clearly who the idiots were. I am not speaking of the mentally challenged or special needs kids here. I am speaking of the lazy idiots who did not care. They were failed with a quickness. I went to seventh grade with an eighteen year old named Stewart. He drove his car to work. He never could pass the seventh grade. He was clever, but he did not care about school. He knew he wanted to paint houses for a living. I am glad that the school did not pass him. I am glad that the school did not demoralize those who were studying hard for a good grade and lower the bar. He did not study so he failed. Maybe if we held students accountable they would eventually get a clue. By the way, I heard that Stewart was an excellent painter.

 Until then we will have to deal with these lazy ignoramuses who walk around like Zombies, and who think that they are entitled, and who are rude to everyone that they come in contact with.

If you are an idiot please refrain from being a rude idiot. It is annoying.

Thanks for reading,
gf

"You are what you eat." ~ Poison in America

  I live in America. It is allegedly the "land of the free, and the home of the brave". However, I think America is "the land of the taxed, and the home of the poisoned". America has borders on seas that should be "shining". There should also be "amber waves of grain".

The seas only shine in the Gulf of Mexico (thanks to BP), and the amber waves of grain only appear in cereal and whole-grain bread commercials. gf

  I have already discovered that the majority of the prepared food in the grocery stores is contaminated with fake sweetener (High Fructose Corn Syrup). Why? Because it is cheaply made from corn which "big business" has figured out how to grow fast, strong, and pest free. "Big Business" accomplishes this by changing the genetic code of the corn to withstand their brand of pesticides that kill any intruding weeds that may interfere with profit. They make the modified corn seed and the pesticides then restrict/buy out all the other seeds from farmers who would interfere with their profit margin. OK, just Google Monsanto.

  Click here to learn more about the crap corn that they produce, and what they put it into. (hint: everything)

  I have also already discovered that the majority of the prepared food in the grocery stores is contaminated with fake butter (hydrogenated oil). If bugs won't eat, it neither will I. It is pure poison that sits on your waste line until your body has the energy to purge it out of your system.

  Eliminating these from my diet let me shed over fifty unwanted pounds without any spent energy (other than that from my eyes moving to read the ingredients on a label). gf

  So I figured that I was free from poison with the proof of lost weight to show the world... Negative Ghost Rider. I just had to pick up the book Wheat Belly by William Davis. After reading this book I realized that America has to be the most poisoned country in the world. Do yourself a favor and buy the book. Read the blog here. I do not think I will ever be overweight again with the information that I have learned over the past two and a half years. Some of you out there may be thinking "How does one eat wheat free?". It really is not as hard as it seems. There are a few things that one must know:

• Fast food sucks.
• Non-fast food usually sucks.
• Food one may have thought to be "horrible" for you may not be all that bad for you at the end of the day.
• Modern wheat is one of the top four poisons one can put into one's body according to gf.
• Do not be afraid of asking questions about the food being prepared when eating out.
• To be poison free sometimes requires one to be "That Guy/Girl".

Blackbeard

  Now all I have to worry about is the quality of animals that I eat (if they are full of hormones and antibiotics), if pesticide poisons are on the plants that I eat, and if the plants and animals that I eat are genetically modified or not. That is all.
  Well, other than how I need to protect myself from the government. Buy more ammo. Buy more guns. They are coming. Wake up gf Nation!

To recap:

• Americans let themselves become addicted to sugar.
• Americans get fat.
• Americans realize they need to shed some weight and start digesting fat-free "food".
• Americans get fatter.
• Americans realize that sugar adds empty calories and start digesting sugar substitute poisons.
• Americans get even fatter and start growing extra parts that can kill them.
• Americans vote in idiots and allow the idiots to modify corn and then subsidize this corn poison.
• Americans start becoming sick and obese.
• Americans vote in more idiots and allow new idiots to create a cheap sugar substitute from the aforementioned corn poison.
• Americans can now ingest more fake sweetener in the form of Big Gulps.
• Americans are now addicted to the taste of sugar and develop more foods to use it and the fake sugar.
• Americans vote in even more idiots who decide that modifying wheat is a good thing.
• Americans allow the government to lie to them, and do not force the government to label all the fake foods that they have created.
• Americans elect a supreme leader who figures out that Americans are fat and lazy and can be easily lied to and manipulated.
• Americans reelect the supreme idiot/liar, who is now slyly and slowly disarming the nation (so that they cannot fight back).

Have you had enough yet? Are you going to pay attention? If not you will perish. One way or another you will be killed off.

Maybe the world needs a good purge of idiots.

86 Sugar
86 Hydrogenated Oils
86 High Fructose Corn Syrup
86 GMO Wheat and GMO Corn
86 Dictators

That is my new 86 list.



Enjoy your dinner,
gf

I Gotta Go Roll Up My Windows

  I have not rambled aimlessly for some time now (being overly obsessed with barbecue hunting), but I will regress for your enjoyment.  A reader of many blogs and other noteworthy scribing I have found that there are extraordinarily smart people out there. I do not subscribe to being smart just to be smart. Smartness must have a purpose, a place, a higher goal. Therefore, I subscribe to be clever, if not clever, then at least not an idiot.

  Maybe my tombstone will read "Not the smartest cookie, but not just a crumb." I obsess with idiotic behavior, and my goal in life is to point it out. Plenty of idiotic behavior goes undocumented. We must document this behavior for the future of the species. Otherwise, the ants and the roaches will take over the world. No, the rats and the mice will NOT take over the world as they are too much like us. Duh... has one ever heard of Micky Mouse and Atom Ant? Atom Ant will kick Micky's butt any day of the week.

http://weirdthings.com/2009/10/the-labrador-sea-monster/

  Sometimes I genuinely feel awful that I do not have something intelligent, deep, and or even spiritual to share with my readers. I do not. I care not for the depths of the mental oceans where sea monsters swallow time and space. I fear those monsters who make us pull our brains out of our skulls and examine them with piercing stainless steel picks to drain out the inadequacy of our spirits. I choose rather to jet ski on top of this dread ocean full of mental monsters. I ride with a shotgun in hand as I may need to shoot any wayward tentacles that may arise in the mist.

  Speaking of mists, there are idiots in the steamy mists of summer, and they must be documented.

  It is summertime in the Deep South. Hotness rules the day, that is, until the afternoon thunderstorms roll in and dump liquid sunshine on unsuspecting drivers. I am curious why some individuals leave their car windows down in the summer. Is there a significant difference in temperature with the windows down versus up? Do they lock their doors in the wintertime? If so, why? Do they have radios that work in their cars or have they been ripped out already?

  What truly baffles me is (no matter what the driver is doing at the time) their action must be discontinued immediately due to the "surprise" thunder shower. It matters not what the activity is at hand.

• Have you been waiting in line at the bank for fifteen minutes? Go roll up your windows - its raining.
• Are you waiting on tables at work? Go roll up your windows - its pouring.
• Is your shopping cart full at the grocery store (with ice cream deicing)? Forget it - your floorboard is two inches deep in water.

 Thunderstorm activity may not happen everywhere in the world, but it does happen here. If one lives in the Deep South, one will encounter thunderstorms with some regularity during the summer months.

  I can only conclude that the idiots who leave their windows down during these summer months are not from the South. They may be illegal. Maybe they have infiltrated to inbreed with the logical and intelligent in our society. Only then, when we are all dumbed down enough, they will strike and peel off their outer epidermis to reveal that they are prickly skinned aliens... right. Maybe they are Yankees. No, Yankees are smarter that that.

 It could be that the drivers that I speak of do not have air conditioning. This is the only logical answer. Maybe the two-degree difference in the temperature of their car with the windows down is significant enough to warrant such idiocy.

  What ever the reason, we must fight back. We must stop this behavior. We must save mankind.

Thanks for reading,
gf

Barbecue Review

  I stumbled on this video and thought it was relevant to my summer BBQ theme. This pretty much sums up the whole Deep South barbecue deal. Floridians I am truly sorry about the Southern reference.

Enjoy.

gf

Top Twenty Call Out of Work Lines ~ Part 1

  Working in the restaurant business, I have heard a lot of "call out" excuses. It is time to write them down, and to get your feedback. I am sure that you know a few. I am not so worried about the order. I will be sure to put some good ones in the top five. Enjoy.

20. "My cat is sick."

19. "My dog died."

18. "I have a headache."

17. "I think I am sick." (Don't you think you would know?)

16. "I lost my keys."

15. "I do not have any gas."

14. "I lost my shoes."

13. "All of my clothes are dirty."

12. "My mother put me on restriction." (She was 17 years old.)

11. "My drive is snowed in." (In Georgia)

10. "It is raining."

9. "A bird flew into my windshield and there is blood all over my car."

8. "I have to get my boyfriend out of jail."

7. "I broke down in Chattanooga Florida, I mean Tennessee, I mean Florida."

6." I am too drunk to work my p.m. shift." (when they worked the a.m. shift)

5. "I ran over my dog in the driveway and he went "Tha thump thump" underneath my car."

4. "I can't work because my battery is dead." (He was in the parking lot of his job, and on his cell phone.)

3. "I have three flat tires."

2. " I got to get this man out of my house."

1. "I am too tired to come in."  (After she took a three day weekend to the beach.)


  I have a feeling that over time this list will unfortunately grow. Be sure to chime in.

Thanks for reading,

gf

You're an Idiot Part Deux

It was amazing to me, that after I wrote about idiots, how many idiot stories came flooding in to the According To GF Home Office. While sitting in my plush leather chair on the 30th floor, I often chuckled to myself as I poured over the fan mail and sipped on my French Roast coffee. Anyway, here are a few more stories. Some are true idiot stories, and some are stories about people acting like idiots.

Number One.
  I was invited to go to a visitation at a funeral home for a Senior who frequented a local business where I occasionally volunteer. Visitation was held at a small funeral home, that is housed in what used to be the old high school for the African American children in Douglas County (a historical landmark!). There were very few people there, but it was a privilege to visit with the family and friends.
  A coworker let us know that she too was going to the visitation and might see us there. We never saw her, and figured that her plans had just changed. While inquiring the next day why she was not able to attend she, told her story.
  She said that when she arrived the place was packed. She walked right up and signed the guest book. After viewing the body, she made a note to herself that it really did not look like the gentleman that she had come to pay respects to. Brushing that off as an oddity, she continued visiting with friends and family, some that she actually knew. She chatted for about a half hour and left.
 She did not realize that she had gone to the wrong funeral home, and the wrong visitation.
Go ahead, say it.

Number Two.
Urban Redneck Kayaking shot in "Avatar Mode" by Douglasville GA's finest idiots.





I personally know these idiots and I can vouch for their idiocy. I think hitting the car could have been avoided if the paddles had been properly utilized. Note that "Aw hell naw.", "Aw s*#t, and F@3%*ing, would have been deleted had I known how to edit. This is a good documentary on how idiots talk as well. Consider it an idiot education. Snow and ice in the Deep South brings out all of the idiots.

Number Three.
There is no other pleasure that I will have in my life but to share an idiot story from my beloved high school friend Beth.
She VOLUNTARILY submitted this story via fb:
    "eight months pregnant and loading the wood stove - log gets stuck half way out and begins to rapidly burst into flames, I try to push it in to no avail so I pick up a glass jar of pennies that we had sitting near by- thinking only about how heavy it is -I slam it into the log ...needless to say the log didn't budge - glass and pennies go everywhere, as I watch the pennies melting in the fire I realize my brain just simply did not have enough blood to formulate wise decisions...."


Number Four.
  A family friend got "put" into a tree by his 6' 9" friend. He fell out of the tree after he asked for an icy cold alcoholic beverage. That is because a family member threw a beverage, that hit him square in the head, and knocked him out cold. Drunk idiots; an excellent segue into the last idiot story.

Number Five.
   Summer BBQ's are a great opportunity to spend quality time with family and friends. My daughter was at the house, and we planned a day of rib cooking. I take great pride in my meat cooking skills, and I looked forward to showing off a bit, and showing my daughter the finer skills of BBQ. I got the grill ready, wood chips, good charcoal, cleaned the grates, and rubbed the ribs. I loaded the ribs onto the grill, settled into the lawn chairs, and that is when we both realized it was rather warm. "Hey, do you want a beer?" This was the beginning of a very bad day of BBQing.
  Beer has a way of vaporizing time. Beer time warp is a subject that needs to be explored, but at a later date. A half an hour past the time when I imagine the ribs were done, we noticed that we were out of frosty beverages. This had to be remedied. Off we went, escorted to the grocery store by a very loving wife. We shopped for our beverages oblivious to our wardrobes. I sported a sunburnish face with specks of ash, and the famous white T shirt smudged with BBQ sauce, charcoal, and beer stains. My daughter had a bikini top / booty shorts combo, with an ankle wrap that was not secured, flopping along her bare feet. We brought our selections to the register. The cashier and manager asked if we were driving. We pointed to the car outside where the lovely and gracious wife was now waving.
  Upon returning from the store I carefully calculated that the ribs needed a couple more hours of slow cooking. This just happened to be slightly longer than it took us to finish our beverages. We then prepared for the feast.The loving wife had graciously cooked up the side dishes. These lovely side dishes ended up being the entire meal, as the ribs were black, hard, and uneatable.
  We have an idiot dog who savors the delicate flavors of trash cans. He would not even eat the ribs. My daughter sent me to a BBQ cooking class for a Christmas present that year. BBQ tools, books, and other gear are now regular Christmas and  birthday gifts for me from my family.
  Note to self: Drink beer with the ribs after you cook them; not while you "cook" them.

Thanks for the read,

gf

"You're an Idiot."

 Straight out of the gate this is a controversial subject. No one likes to be called an idiot, other than an idiot, or an idiot pretending to be an idiot for personal gain. There are public idiots, and then there are private family idiots. Pretty much every family I have known has an idiot, or a poor soul who has been called idiotic on occasion. My small amount of research has shown that most families have several idiot stories. Matter of fact, the number of idiot stories that I have collected from just my family and friends this month alone has been  staggering. I am sure that I have been called an idiot on occasion; and if you are honest with yourself, deep within your heart of hearts you have an idiot story also. Clear your soul, bring your idiot burden to accordingtogf and be free.

  There are people in public that do not realize that, even if but for a brief moment, they are idiots. They may be a product of our woolgathering society, poor schooling, or their battered brain simply cannot process anymore information due to the brainwashing and bewilderment caused by the internet and video games. Their brain may also be a pool of wasted gray matter from the excessive use of hobby drugs, booze, and or Willie Nelson cigarettes. They just do not have the ability to pay attention.

Server: Yes, and how would you like your steak cooked ma'am?
Guest:  Not Well Done, I like just a little bit of pink in my steak.
Server: How about Medium Well ma'am? Just a thin line of pink OK?   
Guest:  Is that between Medium and Well Done?
Server: Yes ma'am it is.
Guest: Medium Well then, with just a thin line of pink.
Server: (After steak has been delivered) How is your steak ma'am?
Guest: Terrible. It has a thin line of pink in it.
Server: Would you like that cooked up to Well Done ma'am?
Guest: No, I do not like my steak Well Done.
Server: Well done has no pink in it ma'am.
Guest: That is how I would like my steak No Pink.
Server: We will cook that up for you ma'am to No Pink.
...and "You're an idiot.

There are unemployed idiots:
You answered the third question on the last page of the application which is:
Can you perform the essential functions required by the job for which you are applying, without reasonable accommodations?     Yes or No
You circled NO, and "You're an idiot."

There are employed idiots:
"Sir, we can't allow that in the building. Even the police don't ride them in here."
My Friend Ben, who has lived with his disability for twenty years, rode his Segway to the library and got turned away. He stated that the "librarian lady probably did not make the rule, so I decided not to argue with her." 
People who make idiotic rules... "They are idiots,"


There are transportation idiots.
 There is plenty of documentation about idiots on motorcycles. Here are just a few examples:

There are plenty of tattooed idiots:

"I know mom, but I was drunk."

Jail tattoo?

There are no explanations.

He has that "What have I done?" look.

Seriously, you are an idiot.

Nothing is better than a real cool tattoo. Some of these folks have the M.J. syndrome no doubt; they just do not know when to stop. When in doubt with a tattoo, don't.


There are family idiots, and family idiot stories (which will make up an entire blog of it's own and possibly named "You are acting like an idiot."). There has to be a clear distinction between being an idiot and doing something idiotic. Next of kin can never be called an idiot by you and your family unless there is a quorum of seven family members; and three of them have to be cousins, aunts or uncles. With permission, here is an example of a family member, or three, acting idiotic:
A young son number two not being able to read, phones the working parent to ask which can is tuna and which can is cat food, in an effort not to make tuna salad incorrectly. The working parent tells the child to ask the sleeping parent to show him which one is the tuna, and then to make the sandwich. Working parent returns home and finds the empty cat food can in the trash, and the unopened tuna can on the counter. The working parent asks the child what he had for lunch, and he responds "tuna". The Working parent shouts "Oh God!" and then "It's OK, really!" Child cries out "Did I eat the wrong tuna?" "Dad lied to me!" "Am I going to die?!!" The child did not eat tuna for over five years after finding out his and the sleeping parent's error.
I am not sure if it is OK to call a child an idiot because they cannot read yet, or a parent because they worked the graveyard shift and  reads cross eyed when asked to do so when woken out of a deep sleep, but it was a nice segue into this video:

Jessica Simpson is the ultimate reality TV idiot. I am not sure whether she is faking it or not; that in and of itself makes her a Hall of Fame Idiot.

There are plenty of public and entertaining idiots:
Many entertainers have played the idiot, and have done it so very well that we only see them as idiots.

Old School Idiots

Jerry Lewis

Bill had a way with words; he spoke of idiots; I think, as did the following:

New School Idiots

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. William Shakespeare

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain
 

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

I'm not afraid to look like an idiot. Anthony Bourdain 

I've had great success being a total idiot. Jerry Lewis       
 
And of course, there is a song by Radiohead that had the word Idiot in the title. I am not sure if it is relevant to this blog, but I liked the name, and the song sounds cool too. One of the lead singers really gets into the moment and for a second he looks like an idiot, but I think that may just be artsy stuff that I just have not figured out yet. Idiots plus discotheque equals "Idioteque"?? @brandonpk's suggestion actually.

Then there is the American Idiot. I think the world may think of me as an American Idiot, writing about American Idiots. The more I think about it the more they should think of me as an idiot scribing about idiots. Maybe if I wrote about something more substantial that will change the world somehow; yes, then I would not be an idiot. Whatever, I think that making people aware of idiots is just as important as any other world saving fodder. Watch out for idiots; they are everywhere, and they are taking over the world.

 

Thanks for reading.
gf