Why Dogs are Idiots

  Let me preface this blog by saying that there actually are smart dogs amongst us. They are few and far between, but they do exist. These are the elite dogs. They are the dogs that may very well graduate summa cum laude, and may be on the verge of being promoted.

  Promoted to what you ask? Who cares! Any dog promotion is better than being a normal idiot dog. Maybe they will be promoted to a human. However, these promoted dogs will probably struggle with fractions and assessment tests after being promoted.

  I am convinced that dogs are a result of regeneration or reincarnation gone bad. Yes, it all makes sense to me now, since I have been living with two visiting dogs for more than a month. These two dogs are idiots. I will refer to them as "MJ" and "DK". MJ is the bigger idiot of the two as well as the younger. DK is calmer, but an idiot nonetheless. While watching the pure and unblemished stupidity of these dogs I have come to the realization that their existence must be a punishment or just plain Karma. I understand that the conservative religious sector of society will call my thoughts heretical, but they would do well to hear my gf logic.

  This line of thinking has made me look inwards at my own failures and idiotic behaviors during my life. High School alone may send me to a dog existence. I am going to be very careful moving forward so as to limit my idiotic instances.

  It makes perfect sense that the creator of life would provide the dog world as a retraining ground for humans. If you are an unadulterated bonafide idiot your entire life you will be become a dog. It is simple as that. An idiot does not need to be a human anymore. Humans were designed to live on a higher plane than that of a regular idiot. Maybe if you fail at being a dog you will become something else. MJ is well on her way to becoming a Jack Ass in her next life. The only way she will prevent this inevitable event is to pull a "Lassie" moment out of her butt.

http://www.jokeroo.com/pictures/animal/yoga-dog.html

 DK will remain a dog. She is sneaky and conniving and takes great pleasure in getting MJ in trouble. She will have plenty of company on her next go around though. I predict a great dog boom in the next several generations of dog life. It is mind boggling how many more dogs are being created by humans every year. For example, I would estimate that seventy-five percent of our great leaders in Washington are headed for a dog's life.

  Why else would be dogs be so kiss-ass? Man's best friend... yea, I know why. Trying to get out of dog world they are. Cats are not like this, neither are parakeets, and fish could give a crap about humans. It is only the canine who is interested in being "part of the family". Do not be lulled into this web of deceit. Cats are perfectly fine being cats. They actually relish being a cat. A cat has no desire in the world to be anything different than a cat. It is as if they have finally arrived in THE perfect world... Cat world. Cat world is full of naps, special food, and licking. Who would want more?

  What happens to dogs who fail at dog world...MJ? It is a frightening thought indeed. I suggested a rat world to the family, but that idea was rejected. "Rats are way too smart and resilient." Then I guess that puts the Cockroach out of the running as well... Squirrels have way to much fun... uh, let's just go with a toad. Karma can go downhill fast from a toad. If you fail as a toad you may end up as a snail. Insects have to be at the end of the road. This is why ants and bees bust ass to get things done. It really must suck being an ant. Bees work hard to just be ripped off. That sucks. Worms, yes the worm world is the end of the line.

 Some idiot folk may just skip the dog world.
 "Hey what ever happened to that creepy lady who got Obama Care to "work"?"
       "Oh, I heard that she is now one of those deep sea fish who glow green and have ugly teeth."

 Look around yourself this week and try to figure out which of the people that you come in contact with are going to become dogs. Then, just for fun, try to figure out what kind of dog they will become.

Why then are dogs idiots? Well, because they are and always have been idiots. They have worked real hard for a very long time at being idiots.  Let's hope that they can focus and not become a toad.

Reincarnation is an interesting thought isn't it? I've been thinking a lot about dogs lately.

Thanks for reading,
gf

Top Twenty Call Out of Work Lines ~ Part 1

  Working in the restaurant business, I have heard a lot of "call out" excuses. It is time to write them down, and to get your feedback. I am sure that you know a few. I am not so worried about the order. I will be sure to put some good ones in the top five. Enjoy.

20. "My cat is sick."

19. "My dog died."

18. "I have a headache."

17. "I think I am sick." (Don't you think you would know?)

16. "I lost my keys."

15. "I do not have any gas."

14. "I lost my shoes."

13. "All of my clothes are dirty."

12. "My mother put me on restriction." (She was 17 years old.)

11. "My drive is snowed in." (In Georgia)

10. "It is raining."

9. "A bird flew into my windshield and there is blood all over my car."

8. "I have to get my boyfriend out of jail."

7. "I broke down in Chattanooga Florida, I mean Tennessee, I mean Florida."

6." I am too drunk to work my p.m. shift." (when they worked the a.m. shift)

5. "I ran over my dog in the driveway and he went "Tha thump thump" underneath my car."

4. "I can't work because my battery is dead." (He was in the parking lot of his job, and on his cell phone.)

3. "I have three flat tires."

2. " I got to get this man out of my house."

1. "I am too tired to come in."  (After she took a three day weekend to the beach.)


  I have a feeling that over time this list will unfortunately grow. Be sure to chime in.

Thanks for reading,

gf

The One Eyed Rat Dog

David Baker, a classmate from another time long passed, started a discussion about "rat dogs". David is very clever by asking the right question to stir up the raw emotions that he knows will rise to the surface when such a question is proposed. "What poundage does a dog cease to be a dog and becomes, instead, more of a rat with fur.(?)"

I am the proud owner of a rat dog. There were many opinions about the specifications of rat dogs, and most were relevant to ones own experiences. I will attempt to give an accurate account of my experience with our rat dog.

I arrived home one evening about four years ago. My wife had let me know in advance that I would be welcoming our newest addition. I was going to be the proud owner of a Shih tzu male, whom had been rescued from an abusive breeder. I was also painfully aware that this was a rebound dog for my wife, as she had just lost her Pomeranian to a sudden illness. She had warned me that his appearance would be somewhat startling.

As I entered our bedroom I was greeted by the demon. He stood up on his hind quarters, while sitting at the foot of our bed, and threw his head straight up into the air bellowing his best and most fierce barks. He had a giant white cone wrapped around his hideous head, which sported a nice eye patch. His black body was a patchwork of shaved spots and healing skin. He was not happy about my arrival. I was not allowed to proceed, therefore I left.

I returned to claim my room with a great strategy. I did have the knowledge of steaks working in my favor. It did not take long to quiet this disaster of an animal after he started watching me eat my steak dinner.I slowed his barking and made friends with "Ludo". Unfortunately one of the aftereffects of this strategy is that when I eat he thinks he has to eat. This can be especially annoying at breakfast as his cage is in plain view of me dining.

Ludo had been abused as a stud dog. I use the word "abused" in a more lighter tone these days; the longer I live with this dog the more I have begun to empathize with the abusive owner's mindset. This rat dog has been sent from heaven to test our family. I can wholeheartedly understand the anger that can well up into an individual living with this dog. I have not reached the pinnacle of wrath that the abusive owner achieved yet, but I have been dangerously close I think.

Ludo loves trash. This is most likely the sole reason that the previous owner kicked Ludo's eye out. Ludo would rather eat trash than steak. He absolutely is a trash hound. This is a another great reason that I can call him a rat dog. When he gets his monthly cage cleaning we find all kinds of wrappers and other evidence of his pillaging the refuse without being caught. He also loves to chew pennies and other metal objects with the remaining six teeth that he has managed to keep. If Ludo has lost his penny that he takes to bed he will search until it is found. Only then can he comfortably bed down for the night.

Overall this dog is a train wreck. he has to be shaved on a regular basis as he is "allergic to his hair". This was the diagnosis from our local veterinarian. Therefore Ludo gets shaved mostly on a regular basis. Since we are in poor economic times I perform this delicate operation on the back porch. When Ludo has hot spots or tangled hair I am forced to be creative and cut this rat dog's hair with a new style. Unpopular at first, these unique hair cuts are now becoming highly sought after by other canines that pass by our yard.

Overall, I really do not care for this dog. He does however, make for a good conversation on occasion.

gf,