Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Mayan Calandar and the New Zodiac

  Well the news said that because of miscalculations in time, and/or the tilt of the earth, the Zodiac signs are no longer relevant. The months basically have not kept up with the stars. I think the stars are winning.  So the whole Zodiac deal has shifted.

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  Now, my gracious and lovely wife has told me for years how the Zodiac signs are "so right on" the money. Therefore, because of one's Zodiac sign, people simply cannot help themselves for whatever misbehavior they may happen to be into. I was comfortable being a Ram, but now I find that I may be a Bull. I had just grown attached to the Aries sign, but now that things have shifted, I am feeling a bit out of sorts. The Bull sounds dumber than a Ram, no disrespect to all the current Bulls, who may or may not be something else now. I have been told that I have all of the Ram traits, and now I am not sure if I am ready to take on all of the Bull responsibilities, other than I am full of Bull most of the time. (Rimshot)

  I am not sure why everything Zodiac is all out of wack, maybe the leap years had not been figured out three thousand years ago. Ancient fail. Above is the best chart for Zodiac calculations that I have found. Dates, stars, names, signs, and elements all in one. Perfect.

  So the issue is that, over time, all of the stars are no longer in the month that they were first seen in by the Ancients. This is an epic issue. Do you realize how many tattoos will have to be corrected? Millions. This is exactly the kind of thing that I feared when I have thought about getting a tattoo. My wife, who dove right in, and got a tattoo with every Zodiac sign of every member of our immediate family, is screwed. Now her five Zodiac signs will have to be done over like five old boyfriend's names. Her pretty little butterfly tattoo will look like a catchers mitt. This is all due to the fact that the ancient stargazers did not have a slide rule. Nice job.

   To make matters worse "they" have added another sign "Ophiuchus" as the thirteenth sign. Look, no one is going to want their new sign especially if it is the thirteenth one. The Zodiac Committee really did not do their homework on this one. Seriously. And the sign is a dude holding a snake. Sign of Satan is what it is. The Devil's sign. Evil Ophiuchus. Triskaidekaphobia - Fear of the number 13.

Manataka American Indian Council
  Because of all of that miscalculating, our current calendar's alignment with the Mayan calendar, which allegedly predicts the end of the world in 2012, is off as well. OK, in plain speak, our calendars and charts are junk. I cannot wait to see the new Farmer's Almanac, as they use the Zodiac signs and such to know when to plant vegetables. Our gardens are going to look like crap this year.

 Have you ever really looked at the Mayan calendar? This is one crazy looking timekeeping instrument. Little men stacked on top of one another. I am not so sure we really need to worry so much about ancient timekeeping. They did not just have "a" calendar either; they had like six or more. One for short time, one for long time, one for sacred time, one for plant time, etc..

One problem with this whole Zodiac / Mayan / End of the world / Tattoo Redo thinking is the translating from one calendar to another. Doing so without the creators of the Mayan calendar around to help with the translation is not good. Some say that the problem is the translation of the word "end". The Mayan allegedly referred to this 2012 date as a "transformation" or a "change" rather than an "end" date. We need to go from from the fourth sun to the fifth sun. Got that?

Here is the real 2012/Mayan/Zodiac deal:

 1. Quit worrying about what your sign or chart said is going to happen to you today. Just do what you know you should do. Please leave feelings out of this equation.

2. Do not go and change your tattoo today. I was however, thinking of getting crazy looking Mayan man tattooed on my left butt cheek.

3. Go ahead and figure out what you need to stop, start, or change in 2011 for preparation for 2012. I am looking forward to start selling "2012 Survival Kits". I am going to make a killing on you people.

Thanks for reading,



Katelyn said...

I really don't care if they are changing it, I have always been a Libra, and I will always be a Libra. But I really do like Jill's tattoo! lol

Gregory said...

Not so sure about that Libra deal. The earth is shifting and you must shift with it!

Gregory said...

Yo, people of accordingtogf... start your barbecues!