Why Dogs are Idiots

  Let me preface this blog by saying that there actually are smart dogs amongst us. They are few and far between, but they do exist. These are the elite dogs. They are the dogs that may very well graduate summa cum laude, and may be on the verge of being promoted.

  Promoted to what you ask? Who cares! Any dog promotion is better than being a normal idiot dog. Maybe they will be promoted to a human. However, these promoted dogs will probably struggle with fractions and assessment tests after being promoted.

  I am convinced that dogs are a result of regeneration or reincarnation gone bad. Yes, it all makes sense to me now, since I have been living with two visiting dogs for more than a month. These two dogs are idiots. I will refer to them as "MJ" and "DK". MJ is the bigger idiot of the two as well as the younger. DK is calmer, but an idiot nonetheless. While watching the pure and unblemished stupidity of these dogs I have come to the realization that their existence must be a punishment or just plain Karma. I understand that the conservative religious sector of society will call my thoughts heretical, but they would do well to hear my gf logic.

  This line of thinking has made me look inwards at my own failures and idiotic behaviors during my life. High School alone may send me to a dog existence. I am going to be very careful moving forward so as to limit my idiotic instances.

  It makes perfect sense that the creator of life would provide the dog world as a retraining ground for humans. If you are an unadulterated bonafide idiot your entire life you will be become a dog. It is simple as that. An idiot does not need to be a human anymore. Humans were designed to live on a higher plane than that of a regular idiot. Maybe if you fail at being a dog you will become something else. MJ is well on her way to becoming a Jack Ass in her next life. The only way she will prevent this inevitable event is to pull a "Lassie" moment out of her butt.

http://www.jokeroo.com/pictures/animal/yoga-dog.html

 DK will remain a dog. She is sneaky and conniving and takes great pleasure in getting MJ in trouble. She will have plenty of company on her next go around though. I predict a great dog boom in the next several generations of dog life. It is mind boggling how many more dogs are being created by humans every year. For example, I would estimate that seventy-five percent of our great leaders in Washington are headed for a dog's life.

  Why else would be dogs be so kiss-ass? Man's best friend... yea, I know why. Trying to get out of dog world they are. Cats are not like this, neither are parakeets, and fish could give a crap about humans. It is only the canine who is interested in being "part of the family". Do not be lulled into this web of deceit. Cats are perfectly fine being cats. They actually relish being a cat. A cat has no desire in the world to be anything different than a cat. It is as if they have finally arrived in THE perfect world... Cat world. Cat world is full of naps, special food, and licking. Who would want more?

  What happens to dogs who fail at dog world...MJ? It is a frightening thought indeed. I suggested a rat world to the family, but that idea was rejected. "Rats are way too smart and resilient." Then I guess that puts the Cockroach out of the running as well... Squirrels have way to much fun... uh, let's just go with a toad. Karma can go downhill fast from a toad. If you fail as a toad you may end up as a snail. Insects have to be at the end of the road. This is why ants and bees bust ass to get things done. It really must suck being an ant. Bees work hard to just be ripped off. That sucks. Worms, yes the worm world is the end of the line.

 Some idiot folk may just skip the dog world.
 "Hey what ever happened to that creepy lady who got Obama Care to "work"?"
       "Oh, I heard that she is now one of those deep sea fish who glow green and have ugly teeth."

 Look around yourself this week and try to figure out which of the people that you come in contact with are going to become dogs. Then, just for fun, try to figure out what kind of dog they will become.

Why then are dogs idiots? Well, because they are and always have been idiots. They have worked real hard for a very long time at being idiots.  Let's hope that they can focus and not become a toad.

Reincarnation is an interesting thought isn't it? I've been thinking a lot about dogs lately.

Thanks for reading,
gf

Cats Need Umpires

  My cats play like they are fighting. Are they playing? No. Wait, maybe. Nope, that is a fight. Definitely a tail-wagging hissing spitting fight. It started out so innocently to end up like this.

  Cat umpires may or may not be the solution. It just depends on what kind of world you want to live in... according to gf.

  Thinking about the cats, I realized that dogs are in the same situation. Most animals would seem to need umpires on the surface. How have they survived without umpires? No umpires, no bosses, no governors, no presidents preside in the animal kingdom. Sheer anarchy has taken over. But even in this animal anarchy there is order, hissing yes, but order. 

  Are animals more civilized that humans? Plenty of animals get along with each other. There is not perfect peace, but there is peace. Many animals get devoured by others, but in the long run, everything is right as rain. 

 

 Maybe humans have too many umpires. What if we could hiss and spit without an umpire butting in? Many who need this aggression are not receiving it, and therefore they live with a false sense of strength and worth. Those who feel strongly about hissing and spitting have to hold it in causing anxiety, frustration, and heart palpitations. A bit of healthy hissing and spitting is needed from time to time.

  Sure some humans would devour others, but would the devoured have ask for it? Is this what happens when men go to war? Maybe. The bigger cats with longer claws seem to rule the day... at least for a moment or two.

 Have cats ever had a world war? This line of thought may explain the demise of the dinosaurs. Yes. The dinosaurs ruled the world hissing spitting and eating every thing they wanted. The small insignificant cats rose to the occasion and defeated the dinosaurs. It was an epic battle.

  So, do cats need umpires? 

Thanks for reading,

gf

Top Twenty Call Out of Work Lines ~ Part 2

 The phones at According to GF corporate offices simply will not stop ringing. I had to hire on two more receptionists, and one bell boy. He is lazy, but I think he has potential to improve. I also had to lease out more space on the Google server, just to keep all of the latest information flowing into the office. All of the lovely and petite secretaries had to abandon their weekly manicures. It was just becoming a waste of time. They certainly were working their fingers to the bone.

Yeah, I know. "Shut up and give us the next twenty call out of work lines." Fine, here they are:


20. "My cat is stuck inside my mattress." 


19. "The cows got out of the barn, and now I have to get them back in." 


18. "I have diarrhea." (Unfortunately, this team member's nickname is "Coach". It was Superbowl Sunday, and the restaurant was running a "Buy one, get one free" special.)


17. "There is a warrant out for my arrest."


16. "I caught the kitchen on fire cooking Tuna Helper, after I passed out drunk." ~ Click here to see more of this idiot.


15. "My nipples are bleeding." (I just write this stuff, I do not make it up.)


14. "I forgot when I was supposed to work, so I slept in."


13. "I am still drunk." (21st birthday party)


12. "My father has to go back to Mexico. I want to say goodbye."


11. "I have an important soccer match."


10. "My wife needs to use the car today."


9.  "I cut my finger off mowing grass." (Yes, he stuck his hand inside the mower. Who hired this guy?)


8.  "I have cramps." (All time top ten)


7.  "I have a parent-teacher conference." (They did not have a child.)


6.  "My grandmother died." (For the third time.)


5.  "I cannot come in. My cat ate a bologna string, and it is hanging out of his ass. I am taking him to the Veterinarian."


4. "My child got expelled from school."


3.  "I cannot come in. I have a job interview."


2.  "I cannot come in. My roof fell in on my trailer"


1.  "I cannot find my car. It may have been stolen." (She got roaring drunk the night before, then hit a dumpster with her car as she started to drive home. She thought that she had hit a car, so she took a cab home. She could not remember anything from the night before. Her coworkers found her car in the Kroger parking lot, next to the dumpster, smashed to hell and back.)


I know you have more. Thanks for sharing these twenty call out excuses with us!


Thanks for reading,


gf

Top Twenty Call Out of Work Lines ~ Part 1

  Working in the restaurant business, I have heard a lot of "call out" excuses. It is time to write them down, and to get your feedback. I am sure that you know a few. I am not so worried about the order. I will be sure to put some good ones in the top five. Enjoy.

20. "My cat is sick."

19. "My dog died."

18. "I have a headache."

17. "I think I am sick." (Don't you think you would know?)

16. "I lost my keys."

15. "I do not have any gas."

14. "I lost my shoes."

13. "All of my clothes are dirty."

12. "My mother put me on restriction." (She was 17 years old.)

11. "My drive is snowed in." (In Georgia)

10. "It is raining."

9. "A bird flew into my windshield and there is blood all over my car."

8. "I have to get my boyfriend out of jail."

7. "I broke down in Chattanooga Florida, I mean Tennessee, I mean Florida."

6." I am too drunk to work my p.m. shift." (when they worked the a.m. shift)

5. "I ran over my dog in the driveway and he went "Tha thump thump" underneath my car."

4. "I can't work because my battery is dead." (He was in the parking lot of his job, and on his cell phone.)

3. "I have three flat tires."

2. " I got to get this man out of my house."

1. "I am too tired to come in."  (After she took a three day weekend to the beach.)


  I have a feeling that over time this list will unfortunately grow. Be sure to chime in.

Thanks for reading,

gf

Ten Things That Confuse Cats

Champ with his parasite Luna

  I decided that it would be a good idea to take my cat "Champ" for a short ride to the store after he gave me a longing look. I packed him in his ultra new cat carrier. As we started off down the road I thought it would be a good idea to let him out of his carrier to explore about, and look out the windows. Champ was neither happy nor impressed with my thought process on this whole adventure. He started the normal cat "what in the hell have you done to me" howl as he hopped around looking out the windows. He was seriously confused. After his failed attempt to jump out the front windshield I realized this very fact. That of course got my odd and smallish mind wondering what else confuses cats. Here is what I have so far:

Packing for a vacation. Cats run from room to room wondering who got kicked out.

Flash lights, or better yet, laser pointers. This really needs no further explanation. You Tube that if you are bored.

Moving anything confuses a cat, such as furniture, litter boxes, and food bowls.

Snow. We just recently found this one out.

Covers. You can put anything under a cover and the cat is toast. It will either go spastic looking for the item, or ignore it all together.

Shut doors. They really may not even need to go into the other room. The doors being closed drives them insane because they cannot figure out why the door is shut.

Coffee grinders. Good clean fun.

Water. These animals lick themselves to get clean; water has been an issue for eons.

Can openers. The reverse effect of a coffee grinder.

Windshields.


  After I pulled over and put Champ back into the cat carrier, our adventure to the store became much more pleasant. Maybe I should have borrowed the neighbors spoiled chihuahua to sit in my lap and enjoy a quick ride to the store.



Thanks for reading.

gf