The Darker Side of Medium

Or..."How to order a steak."

At times, I am quite humored by the average individual's preferences of cooked meat. At other times, I am quite maddened by it.

  Just for kicks and giggles, let us review basic steak temperature terminology.

Rare ~ The key word is "cool". The secondary key word is "red". Shave it, knock its horns off, wipe its ass, and send it out.

  It infuriates me when some numbskull orders rare and then complains that it's cold and red. This is easy; stick with me people.

Medium Rare ~ There is that tricky word "rare" again. If the word "rare" is in the description we are talking red... Got that? Medium Rare is a warm red center. Still red, but warm. I know, this is crazy-simple-stuff!

Medium ~ Think Victoria Secrets... Pink. The steak is Hot-Pink throughout. Notice that I am not referring at all to internal temperatures of said steaks, such as 125 degrees. That is another blog post for cooks. This blog is for the users. As a user you are not allowed to speak of actual degrees. That would be a violation of significant magnitude. If a server puts in for a steak to be recooked they are strictly forbidden to write an actual temperature on the ticket (ex. 135 degrees / medium). If this happens the lead cook has permission to shout obscenities, and throw plates of food against the walls. ~ It's that important.

Medium Well - there is the word medium again... So think pink... Here comes the well part... Thin line of pink. Just a smidgen, ok? Got it. Good.

Well - No red, no pink. Hot, and cooked all the way through. But note that there should still be some clear juice. A dry well done steak is a ruined piece of meat.

Having said all of that, here are some words and phrases that diners need to avoid so they will not be categorized as idiots by the cooking staff:

•  "Medium Rare-ish"
•  "The darker side of medium"
•  "Medium, but no juice"
•  "Medium plus"
•  "Medium well plus plus"
•  "Well with a little bit of red"
•  "This rare steak is chilly."
•  " Pittsburgh" (You have no idea what that means, so please just stop using this term immediately.)
•  "Butterfly" (See the aforementioned comment about Pittsburgh.)
•  "I am going to get sick now because blood is running out of my steak" 
•  "This Well Done steak has no pink."
•  "This Well Done steak is tough."

   ~ Matter of fact, according to gf, if you order a Well Done steak you relinquish all of your rights. No complaining for you. Shut it. ~

 Here are some questions my colleagues had which I had no immediate answer:

•   Should there be a cooking guide in regards to zip code? Southern steaks vs. Northern, or East Coast vs West Coast? 
•   Since Japanese cooking includes raw fish, is their idea of Rare rarer?
•   Should other cities be required to have a specific cooking technique like Pittsburgh? If so, what would they be? Ex. "I would like that Seattle style please."
• Can we have states with cooking styles? Ex. Montana Medium.

However you like your steak, please explain that to your server in detail. Most likely he/she was not paying attention during the pre-meal line up, and has no idea how anything is cooked. (They are more focused on when they are cut from the floor,  and how many silverware they will have to roll.)

  I hope this helps. 

Thanks for reading,
gf

  

  

You just saved $7.90!

  I am pretty much done with retailers telling me how much I have saved after every purchase I make.

  I have not saved any money. Besides that, I have no validation of how these alleged savings have honestly been calculated. I just dropped $50.00 for some taco fixings and some bacon! How is that saving? Correct; it is not.

  How are these discounts generated? By the manager? Did they use dice? Did they spin a wheel ala The Price Is Right to discover the discount? Did the organic grass fed beef, that was on sale for 20% off, come about because they had an excess of cows to slaughter last week? Did the cows wander into some rag weed and taint the meat? Was the meat sitting in the store so long that it is about to turn? What have I gotten myself into here? 

  And why is Monterey Jack cheese so damn expensive? How many gallons of milk does it take to make a block of cheese? Google that for gf. I thought cheese was fairly straightforward. Put the cheese in a bucket, set it, and forget it. Not so much it seems. I can get twelve beers for one block of cheese. The beer was on sale as well! I wonder what is wrong with the beer! Maybe it is going skunky. Great, now I have spoiled meat and skunk beer for dinner. 

 Everywhere I go it would seem as though I am saving money. Gas stations, car washes, the eye glass store, on line shopping, but most of all, my wife informs me of how much money I save daily. I really should have retired ten years ago with all of the money she has saved for us. She saves money on everything. I am always reminded of how much she could have spent, had she not been so diligent and frugal. Don't get me wrong, I am well aware of the money that she could have spent, and I really don't want to test this savings error theory on her. Things could get real bad real quick. Best to leave that one alone. My bad. 

  Did we have some psychological need to be on the "inside" with retailers? You are now in our click, therefore you just saved $7.90. Ah, that does feel good. Let the dopamine flow free. I should feel liberated that I did not spend that $7.90. If you have bought into this trickery, you need to snap out of it. You did not save $7.90. No. You just lost a fifty spot, or you just swapped a fifty spot for a light grocery bag with a bit of cheese, some grass fed meat, and skunky beer. 

  And why is grass fed beef three times as expensive as grain fed beef? Once upon a time, cows ate grass. Period. They did so practically for free. People got wealthy because cows ate free grass. The cow/people ratio has shifted. We need an asteroid to hit true and square to correct this delicate balance. Then, maybe, we can have cheap grass fed beef again.

  Maybe the grocer understands these cost issues. They cannot continue to do business with a clear conscience unless they give you $7.90 in savings. Maybe they get a kickback from the grass fed cow people, or the cow people in general (dairy and beef cattle). If they give me $7.90, they must be pocketing $14.37. They are getting rich over the illusion that feeding cows grass is more costly. I swear.

  Now you will notice how many times every day you "save" cash. By the way, I saved another $.05 cents a gallon at a gas station, with a fossil logo, today. It never ends. Go now, and save your money.

Thanks for reading,

gf