Sportsman's Barbecue ~ Clark's Hill SC

  I really hate giving bad reviews, no... really. I am searching for epic barbecue in the Deep South. When I think that I have found a joint that has a chance to be great, I feel like a character in The da Vinci Code who is on the cusp of finding the last great clue. I was ready to unlock the great barbecue clue in Clark's Hill S.C..

 Slightly off the beaten trail, and north of North Augusta S.C., Sportsman's Barbecue had several things that attracted gf to it's doors.

~ off the beaten path

~ next to a gas station of a similar name

~ the smell of smoke

~ high ranking on Urbanspoon 85+%

I was primed and ready to unravel the Sportsman's Barbecue mystery.

  This is a simple place. It smelled of smoking barbecue. What could really go wrong? Well, let's see; shall we?

1. I ordered a beer. The waitress hollered back to the kitchen "you can go ahead and give me that Mich Ultra again." She soon came by the table explaining that they were out of the beer that I had ordered. (I figure the beer had been mistakenly opened and then polished off by the cook.) Mind you that there is a convenience store right next door. I bet they had cold beer.

2. I ordered a "loaded potato" with pulled pork and topped with cheese. Why in Zeus' name would they serve me a two day old potato?! Baked potatoes have a piping hot white flakey center. This was a cold waxy brown potato. A cold waxy light brown potato would be a day old potato. This potato was brown like dark brown sugar... And don't even try to tell me that it was smoked, or I will dot you in your eye. Pathetic is what this potato was.

3. I ordered Hash over rice. I grew up on this Southern delicacy as a young'n. The first ten pounds of overweightness (do not Google that last word) was due to hash, rice, and white bread. Therefore, here is my first cooking tip for Sportsman's Barbecue: Do not butter the rice; Hash is not to be dry; and since the Hash is not dry, serve it with white bread so one can sop up the juice.

4. My esteemed BBQ sandwich expert at large (my son Alex) struggled with his chopped (to death) BBQ sandwich. Dry and un-entertaining was his report.

5. We had side dishes. The cole slaw was edible and actually pleasant, however the corn on the cob was from another dimension. Maybe it was sucked into a wormhole and dropped on the plate as the waitress exited the kitchen while delivering our food. It was dry, old, and disgusting.

  So there you have it. Old food from two days ago reheated and sold to gf. They are open Thursday through Sunday. I ate on a Saturday. Thank goodness! Just think what the food is like on a Sunday!

  Sportsman's Barbecue here is another  food tip from accordingtogf: Cook less, more often.

Thanks for reading,

gf

Hash House a Go Go ~ Orlando Florida

  With an four hour tour ahead of us on a Sunday at Full Sail University, we needed a full breakfast. I will admit that we were warned. Large portions were noted by other bloggers as the norm at Hash House A Go Go. However, the "twisted farm food" theme enticed me. 

  My keen eye noticed that the building was a refurbished Ryan's Family Steakhouse (I am good like that). They have done a mighty fine job, I might add. Anytime someone remodels a Ryan's and adds a full alcohol bar (to replace the food bars) they get extra brownie points. 

Farmers and such are the theme here , you know... "Americana". 

  There are images everywhere reminding  us, and all of the international visitors, what Americana is all about.

  Well, nice try. I do love what they have done to the building, but what I found out while dining here was what Americana used to be, and what it has become.

  There is a big difference between a old fashion country breakfast and a calorie and carbohydrate overload. I was looking for the nurse's station with the defibrillator, but unfortunately I did not find it . They really should have one. I am being dead serious - no pun intended.

  Check out my pancake. 

No, I do not have midget circus hands.

  The above is biscuits and gravy. I also was looking for the calorie chart for this food. I did not find that either.

  The pancake was loaded with blueberries and pecans which in and of themselves are healthy. It was served with butter (real I believe) and a disappointing syrup. Why destroy a pancake with a HFCS bombshell? I have a $5.00 bill on the bet that the pancake was made with a mix. 

  I did not taste, nor did I have a desire to taste the biscuits and hash/gravy/egg plate.

  So, on International Drive the internationals (and Americans) can see the morphing of Americans. On the walls they can see the pictures of our hard working ancestors. But what is truly disturbing is the Americans that are actually devouring whole plates of this fat fare. These are today's real Americans. 

There is no glory in gluttony. gf

  What a waste. It is such a nice building. If they would cut the portion sizes in half they would have a real nice place. I know that breakfast fare has a low food cost, but this was just ridiculous.

  Our server was off point and infrequent with his service. The food came out sporadically, but, hey, those things happen from time to time. Overall, for me, it is "Hash House a No No".

That is all I have to say about that.

Thanks for reading,

gf  

  

The Three Broomsticks ~ Hogsmeade (England/Orlando??)

I awoke with a jolt. "Where am I?"; I thought to myself. Realizing that The Hogwart Express had just pulled into Hogsmeade Station, I exited the train stiffly. As I meandered through the streets packed with oddly dressed pedestrians, I heard a low growl. My stomach was reminding me who really was in charge on this trip.

  Looking for a meal among the oddly shaped and crooked buildings with fake concrete snow on them proved to be a challenge. The train fare to this land had set me back a pretty penny, so I had to choose wisely.

  Having been lured over to the entrance of The Three Broomsticks by some hag selling Butterbeer and Pumpkin Juice, I proceeded cautiously. Once my eyes adjusted to the dim surroundings I placed  my order with a green-eyed winch. Her orphic enchantments convinced me that a Butterbeer was a "must have". I also ordered a Hogs Head Ale which allegedly is prepared for this dark and ancient pub exclusively.

  I found a table next to a oversized fireplace. While admiring the cement timbers lining the ceiling I shooed away straying children with my best bristling-eyebrow-glare. Sweaty smelly Muggles were everywhere.

  The Butterbeer was alcohol free like unto a Rootbeer. It was basically cream soda heavy on the cream with a hint of vanilla. I like a bit more punch out of my beer than this Butterbeer. It was tasty though. The Hogs Head Ale hit the spot. I was rejuvenated nearly instantly.

  The prices were wysiwyg for the most part. I paid eleven shillings for a half chicken with cottage potatoes and a corn on the cob. The vegetables were a trite icy for my liking, however the plate was a great value for this strange land.

 Slurping down the last of my ale I thought I caught a glimpse of Albus Dumbledore, which made me shiver and slightly uncomfortable. One must be very careful in these parts. Beware of odd looking fellows, strange colored jelly beans, and chocolate frogs. If you ever find yourself at Hogsmeade Station be very careful, and know that you can find comfort at The Three Broomsticks.

Thanks for reading,

gf

Slope's Barbecue ~ Cumming, Georgia

  What should one do when one becomes a grandfather? Yes, eat barbeque. Well, of course, one must hold the baby as well. Just know, that good barbeque can often shift ones priorities. Since I had held the granddaughter for seven hours straight, I figured that it was time to eat.

  I whipped out my handy-dandy iPhone application Urbanspoon, and checked out the local reviews in Cumming Georgia. Thank goodness that I did, because several barbeque joints on the main road had been sacrificed by Urbanspoon reviewers. Since Slope's BBQ was sporting some good reviews, I chose them for dinner.

  Before I get too carried away, I have to vent about Cumming Georgia. Would someone please buy a bulldozer and make a straight road? This town has serious road-curve issues. The old downtown area is just one big hot mess. There HAS to be a vacancy in the city planning department. Would someone, anyone, please apply for this position? Upon being hired you will need mass quantities of earth moving machinery, a crew of accurate surveyors, and some twine for good measure. I wonder if Ty Pennington can redo a whole town.

Ty has just enough ADHD to do the job.

  Off we went through the maze of crooked streets. We diligently referred to our GPS for guidance as we wove though Cumming to Slope's Barbeque.

  Slope's has a lot going for it. Here is the positive list:

• They are off the main drag.
• They have a nice building with a cool porch with wood borer bees buzzing about.
• The have a huge smoke stack with a pig on it.
• The prices are reasonable (WYSIWYG ).
• They have a friendly and helpful staff.
• The dining room is decorated well with miscellaneous farm implements.
• The Brunswick Stew was on point.
• The sides were delicious.
• The kitchen looked very clean. (There was a shiny ultra-modern stainless steel cooker in the kitchen.)
• The food was fresh and filling, however...

Here is the negative list:

• Lack of smoke in the general vicinity of the restaurant. Big-ass smoke stack though!
• The dessert menu was weak. They are losing a bit of cash here.
• The pork was chopped, nay, hacked to minuscule bits. This would have served us well if we were eating SC hash. Pull the pork or slice it please.
• Served spare ribs instead of St. Louis with no description of which type they were serving.
• The iconic pig with a big knife and fork kind of creeped me out.

Eat here. The food is good. They may not win any competitions, but they are nice folks and they will take care of you. You will not perish from food poisoning. The sweet tea was good according to my associate (son) Stephen.

Thanks for reading,

gf

Cats Need Umpires

  My cats play like they are fighting. Are they playing? No. Wait, maybe. Nope, that is a fight. Definitely a tail-wagging hissing spitting fight. It started out so innocently to end up like this.

  Cat umpires may or may not be the solution. It just depends on what kind of world you want to live in... according to gf.

  Thinking about the cats, I realized that dogs are in the same situation. Most animals would seem to need umpires on the surface. How have they survived without umpires? No umpires, no bosses, no governors, no presidents preside in the animal kingdom. Sheer anarchy has taken over. But even in this animal anarchy there is order, hissing yes, but order. 

  Are animals more civilized that humans? Plenty of animals get along with each other. There is not perfect peace, but there is peace. Many animals get devoured by others, but in the long run, everything is right as rain. 

 

 Maybe humans have too many umpires. What if we could hiss and spit without an umpire butting in? Many who need this aggression are not receiving it, and therefore they live with a false sense of strength and worth. Those who feel strongly about hissing and spitting have to hold it in causing anxiety, frustration, and heart palpitations. A bit of healthy hissing and spitting is needed from time to time.

  Sure some humans would devour others, but would the devoured have ask for it? Is this what happens when men go to war? Maybe. The bigger cats with longer claws seem to rule the day... at least for a moment or two.

 Have cats ever had a world war? This line of thought may explain the demise of the dinosaurs. Yes. The dinosaurs ruled the world hissing spitting and eating every thing they wanted. The small insignificant cats rose to the occasion and defeated the dinosaurs. It was an epic battle.

  So, do cats need umpires? 

Thanks for reading,

gf