Randy's Rib Shack ~ Waldo FL

  I have never done this before, but I think it is necessary that I post a consumer advisory before I write this blog post. Yes, the type that one would find at the bottom of a menu warning diners about undercooked beef and shellfish. This is similar.

CONSUMER ADVISORY: This restaurant may not serve the type of food you were looking to consume. The name of the restaurant does not match its cuisine.

 If you take the time to drive on a highway other than a Interstate Highway you will find barbecue huts. Well, one would at least hope to find a barbecue hut. Especially if it is lunch time. Highway 301 is a normal, old, four-lane highway that evidently used to be "the road". It is an odd road accompanied by railroad tracts and abandoned motels.  Plenty of farms, fruit stands, old souvenir shacks, mobile homes, and businesses can be seen while driving this American thoroughfare. I must also add that a high percentage of the businesses along this route are using a building that was originally designed for some other purpose. It is an odd collection of re-purposed buildings. Go ahead and think of any type of business; there is a good chance of that type of business occupying an old gas station on route 301.

  Driving through Waldo Florida (no, not that Waldo... Well, it possibly could be, but I could not find him) I spotted what I thought was a barbecue hut. Little did I know how wrong I was. As I pulled in, I gazed in awe at an enormous trailer with a clever mural on the side. Two giant home-made smokers that were inside said trailer were gently wisping out white smoke. I was encouraged. Upon seeing the commercial portable smoker at the back of the shack I was even more encouraged. I should have savored that moment longer.

 After waiting at the counter, clearing my throat, calling out "hello", and watching two employees walk in and out from the back, I was finally greeted. During this wait I was able to watch a Golden Corral advertisement about a chocolate fountain, which made my mind go to another place... maybe we can visit that place together at another time... When the normal programming came back on, the show was about forensics. There was a "dead body farm" that the investigators were being walked through. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Click here to check that out. I got to view several bodies in different phases of decomposition. That was very interesting right before lunch.

 Besides watching TV while waiting, I had enough time to review the menu. I did so in amazement. Randy's Rib Shack has ribs on this colossal menu twice. They have a rib dinner and a rib dinner for two. That is it. [insert a significant pause for full effect] However, for a rib shack they have a titanic amount of seafood on the menu. They have Shrimp; Tilapia; Salmon; Oysters; Snow Crab Legs; Grouper; Frog Legs; New Zealand Green Lip Mussles; Scallops; Catfish; Pollock; Mahi Mahi; Clam Strips; Jumbo Shrimp; Crawfish; and Gator Tail. The Swordfish decorative tin above the door should have tipped me off. But wait, they did not have Swordfish.

  Randy's menu is a train wreck. On top of this Mount Pisgah of seafood there is 15 appetizers,18 sandwiches, and 20 dinners. Also, smack-dab in the middle of this menu is the statement "WINGS, OUR BEST SELLER". My head is still swimming.

  I was lucky to have so much time to peruse the menu. Maybe this is why they did not bother to greet me immediately.   I ordered a chopped barbecue  sandwich with Cole slaw and potato salad. The order-taker asked me which of four sauces I wanted to go with my meal. I picked the spicy mustard. They had spicy mustard, regular mustard, spicy tomato and regular tomato sauces. The sauce tasting ended up being the highlight of my meal.

  I had a choice of Texas Toast or a bun for the sandwich. I asked the attendant which one she recommended. Her suggestion of the bun sounded genuine so I went with it. The bun looked great but it was just too much for the sandwich. The bun overtook the unimpressive five ounces of meagerly-smoked chopped pork.

  The Cole slaw was straight off the truck. It was more like a Cole slaw soup. The potato salad was edible, but I suspect it too came pre-made and was delivered on the same truck. I was disappointed.

  So let me sort this rib shack out. It is not a rib shack. It is not a barbecue joint. It looks like one, but it is not. A rib shack would have rib baskets, half slabs of ribs, full slabs of ribs, rib tips, pork ribs, beef ribs, rib salad, rib stew, rib sandwiches, rib wraps, rib beans, steak and ribs, chicken and ribs, and maybe even a rib Quesadilla. A barbecue joint does not need twenty types of frozen fish. It does not need to have 15 appetizers nor 18 random sandwiches. It just requires great barbecue. What I truly do not comprehend is why a quaint shack would  not make their own sides. Randy's has an opportunity to be unique, but instead they choose to be the same. Trying to please everyone out of a shack is... well...  idiotic. Oh, and rib shacks do not have Pastrami sandwiches according to gf.

  The attendant mentioned that they had been there for five months. She also offered up that they were slow because they were in a bad location. She could not have been any farther from the truth about why they were slow. This is a perfect place for a barbecue shack. It was by the railroad tracks and almost under an overpass. What more could one ask for? More signs, that is what one could ask for. I recommend posting little signs along the road every so often upon approaching the shack... just like the old Burma Shave signs...that would do the trick. Click here if you do not know what Burma Shave is. 

Slow Down

Not So Fast

Barbecue is Here

Lunch At last!!!

Randy's Rib Shack

One could also ask for an attentive staff. If an attentive staff is too much to ask for then maybe a bell at the counter like at Empty Arms Hotel. I always got a chuckle when Roy Clark would jump up from behind the Empty Arms Hotel counter. If you were born after 1990 go buy the box set of Hee Haw. The show was fashioned after Rowen and Martin's Laugh-In. ...Nothing? Right.

 It was a slap-stick comedy show during the 60's and 70's. Google it when you run out of other things to Google.

  On a positive note the murals on the walls in the "dining area" were pretty cool

as were the Cypress counter tops.

  Randy's Rib Shack needs to figure out what they are going to be. What they are is very curious, very bland, and very slow.

  86 the TV.

Thanks for reading,

gf

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Kentucky Fried Politics

   Our society has forgotten the rules. Rules like "Thou shall not bear false witness" (don't lie) and "Thou shall not steal" are the two that come to mind lately. Humanity has had these rules in play for eons, and has had them for good reasons. Not holding our leaders and ourselves accountable to rules is why I think America and the world has gone completely into the shitter. There really is no other logical explanation for our plight. 

  The idiotic crap that has been beamed over the brain-washing-machine (TV) has helped suck our society into a vortex of ignorance. KFC currently has the worst advertisement on TV in recent history according to gf. 

  The scene is as follows: Two are cops in a patrol car. The young gullible noob cop is lied to and tricked by the senior cop. The senior cop then proceeds to steal the noob cop's KFC. Whatever happened to cops eating doughnuts?

  Let us review what this teaches the myriads of mindless sheeple who watch TV to gain their daily dose of information.

1.  It is OK for police to lie.

2.  It is OK for police to steal.

3.  It is OK for people of authority to prey on the innocent and weak minded.

4.  It is OK for people of authority to take from citizens and or other government workers for personal gain.

5.  It is OK to put others in harms way for personal gain.

6.  It is OK to steal and manipulate others while on the government's clock.

7.  If personal gain is at stake one is to pay no attention to the job at hand (protecting the innocent).

8.  Never question authority. They are trustworthy.
9.  Thinking is a nonessential activity.
10. Always assume that others have your best interests in mind.

  When I was a kid I too watched TV (we had two channels). Watching Captain Kangaroo trying to keep Bunny Rabbit in line was entertaining. Bunny Rabbit would do anything for carrots. The Captain would go to great lengths to manage Bunny Rabbit and would often get exasperated, rained on with ping-pong balls, and confused as he dealt with other obstacles while keeping Bunny in line. At the end of the day I knew that Bunny was tricking the Captain and that it was wrong. I also knew it was hard work keeping honest and dishonest people honest. Unfortunately, with this crap commercial from the Pepsi Company/KFC there is no "moral to the story" moment like there was when I watched the Captain Kangaroo Show.

  When one starts to peel the onion of deception in America the lies go all the way to the core. The current administration has reached new heights in subterfuge. The lies about IRS; Benghazi; NSA; The (un)Affordable Care Act are no doubt the tip of the iceberg in this administration.

Here is a video that shows our great leader in action. http://theblacksphere.net/2013/11/chronology-obamacare-lie/

  Our great and powerful OzBama being caught in a lie is disturbing. However, even more disturbing are the hidden lies that impact the common man every day. Specifically, food production has to be the biggest lie in my generation. When I was young words like "fortified" were used to promote man-made products. "Fortified" sounds strong and safe. "Homogenized" came around and also sounded like a safe friend. I am not so sure about that anymore. There are myriads and myriads of food products that are poisoned or "fortified" with man-made processes. People wonder why they are sick. The saying "You are what you eat" was chimed often by my elders while I was growing up. Obviously, no one paid attention to that saying. If big corporations can make something cheaper and make more profit from the sale of it, that is the business plan. Advertisements always speak of the benefits the users will receive if the companies products are purchased. Lies. All of it. Well, that may not be completely true. A great lie has just enough truth in it to be believable.

McDonald's: There is no doubt in my mind that McDonald's has to be the big-business-leader-of-lies. Once upon a time (in Camelot) this advertisement may have been true, but I doubt it.

Click here for an article about Jamie Oliver proving that McDonald's hamburgers are unfit for human consumption

Febreze: I just happened to read the ingredient list on a bottle of Febreze that was in my kitchen today. The ingredient list starts as follows:  "odor eliminator", water, fragrance, non-flammable natural propellant, quality control ingredients. First of all, how is it that they can use the word "ingredient" in the list of ingredients? Second of all, what do we know now after reading this list that we did not know already? Third of all, would some scientist please tell me what the hell I am spraying all over my house to cover the idiot-dog smell?! Logic has left us completely. Febreze advertisements show common sheeple siting blindfolded in a fish market or some other crap-hole oblivious to the stench. How is this possible?  WE DON'T KNOW!! Excellent job by big brother protecting the innocent. It is high time the innocent protect the innocent.

Cigarettes:
  This is another classic example of big business lying.

Which brings me to my next group of liars...
Doctors / Pharmaceutical Companies / Insurance Companies
  It is becoming quite clear to gf that the business of doctoring folks is not about curing or healing as much as it is about making money. The next time you see a commercial on TV or read an add in print about pharmaceutical drugs take extra notice of the communication about the side-effects. They are as long or longer than the add itself. If one truly is paying attention to these side-effects, one would never ingest the product. Pharmaceutical drugs are not about curing illness but rather masking the illness. Have you ever seen one of those legal adds on TV about a drug gone bad? "If you have ever taken the drug ('blah blah') you may be able to collect compensation". Does the public ever stand back and really hear this? What if you heard " If you have ever eaten thirty green apples during a month you may be eligible for compensation."? Yea, that makes no sense. If one ate twenty green apples at a time one would possibly be on the crapper for a hot minute. However, if one ingested twenty pills of any drug one would be dead... most likely.
  These companies are about making money on sick people. They do not have any desire or interest about healing or curing; that would lower their profits. Drugs are poison. Toxins. Unnatural. Mankind has survived for eons without them. I am not suggesting that there are not instances where they are helpful, but they still are toxins to our system. Alcohol is helpful at times, but it is still a toxin. I say "Practice" your medicine on someone else. I want no part of being a test monkey. 
  Insurance companies are getting rich off of the whole bit. "You will get sick" they seem to say... Why would I get sick? Well, if I eat enough crap non-food and pop enough pills, sit on my butt long enough, stress out all day every day, and sleep less I should be good and sick in no time. Why has living healthy become an emergency? We need health insurance to secure our health? I would be ok with bone insurance, cut insurance, sprain insurance, bacteria insurance, or even viral insurance. What a racket. I just cannot wait for the government to get into the insurance game.

 So let's review the cycle of life in America. The government approves GMO's and the use of pesticides to "improve" and increase food production (profits). Because this poisoned food makes us sick, the pharmaceutical companies get their toxins approved with great prestidigitation by the FDA. They do this to mask the symptoms and increase the amount of toxins in order to keep our bodies sick. This helps the doctors and pharmaceutical companies busy. Prescribing boat loads of toxic and unnecessary drugs keeps the cash flow at acceptable levels for both parties. "To help the public out" the insurance companies come to the rescue. Lies. They are there to help themselves out. Now the Great OzBama wants a piece of the action. Yes, government is big business...real big. The only missing element to make the circle of life complete is death. 
  "It's the year 2022...People are still the same. They'll do anything to get what they need. And they need Soylent Green." Click here if you have no idea what Soylent Green is.

Ingredients: Sarcasm, random information, humor, pictures, poor grammar, misspelling, comma splices, clever links, stolen pictures, slang, swearing, "odd" political opinions, awkward sentence structure, clever colloquialisms, red 40, yellow 5, yellow 6, blue 1, artificial flavors.

Thanks for reading,
gf

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

  I am not sure when it started, nor am I clear on who could be held responsible for it. Regardless, it is here, and I see it almost every day. And yes, it annoys me.

  While shying away from making a comment that I was ever an athlete, I did participate in athletic activities. I do not recall ever seeing other athletes wearing neon colored shoes and other bizarre clothing. The individuals that I am about to speak of are not found in gyms, running tracks, or other venues of exercise. They prefer to be seen at eateries such as Starbucks, Panera Bread, and any other place where one can be "seen". They must be seen. 

  Sitting next to me this morning is an "athlete" wearing a bright purple spandex top, tight (overly tight) black-stretchy-shorts, a glittery multicolored head-band, hoop earrings, oversized reading glasses, and some god-awful glowing "running shoes". Ready for a workout beyond imagination, she has a laptop, a tablet, and a Japanese fan out and ready for use. Her other accessories include a yogurt, a large beverage, a oversized Coach bag, and a laptop carrying case. 

  Who needs fiction? This is the good stuff people. 

  Did she work out? If so why didn't she change out of her sweaty exercise garb before she enjoyed her reward of a Granola topped yogurt? What was the purpose of the Japanese fan? If she was hot, why was she drinking a freshly-brewed coffee? Did the hauling of multiple bags filled to the brim with hardware require wearing sportswear? How often does the coffee shop sanitize the chairs? Does the color combination of lime green, purple, orange make one run faster?  

  Now you must look at everyone's shoes. Does the shoe match the individual? This will be your secret humor for the next week.

  "If the shoe does not fit (the occasion) don't wear it" gf

At a farm? Wear boots.

At the beach? Wear flip-flops.

Out walking? Wear walking shoes.

At work? Wear work shoes.

Playing Basketball? Wear the Air Jordans.

Playing Baseball? Wear spikes.

Eating out? Wear the six inch heels.

Never go hiking? Never wear hiking boots.

Never go running? Never wear running shoes.

That is all I have to say about that.

Thanks for reading,

gf

Ten Reasons Why You Gain Weight.

Here are the top ten reasons why you gain weight according to gf.

10. Your wife is pregnant. 

  This will put twenty pounds on any red-blooded American. One must keep up with a growing spouse. Pregnancy is a competition - plain and simple.

9.  You have rationalized the health benefits of doughnuts. 

  a) They have holes in them, which makes them lighter and less fattening.

  b) Our forefathers ate doughnuts and built this great land, therefore doughnuts must be just "A-OK".

  c) The "old fashioned" kind without all the glaze and yeast just have to be better for you. This has always been my philosophy.

  d) You will eat a salad for lunch.

  e) Eating just one doughnut never hurt anyone.

The face of a sugar addicted child

8. Your eliptical exercise machine works better as a clothes hanger.

7.  You think fried food is "normal" food.

   No, actually it is not "normal" food. "Normal" food is, let's just say, like... a carrot. Fried food is processed food. The process usually is begun by adding breading, extra salt, sugar, and preservatives (poison) to what may have been real food at some juncture, and then it  is finished by boiling it in hot fat until crunchy.

6.  You have bought into the belief that Margarine is real food. 

  Show gf a Margarine tree and he will believe that Margarine is not poison. It is poison... just ask an ant. 

5.  You believe that having "seconds" is normal.

 Your portion control measuring mechanism is broken (just ask any visitor from Great Britain). The "Big Gulp", which contains mass quantities of a portion control degeneration mechanism called High Fructose Corn Syrup, should be avoided at all costs, that is, if one would like to maintain a healthy weight.

4.  You do not count the calories of the food that you eat off of other peoples plates.

3.  You greedily eat late-night cheeseburgers.

2. You are addicted to highly refined sugar. 

1.  You eat too much bread and other carbohydrates (yes this includes beer). Most likely, these carbohydrates that are consumed are also laden with excessive amounts of sugar, salt, and fat, which also just happen to be the only three flavors that your weak palate can identify. 

I am sure that I will think of more, but this is all for now. Oh yeah, tell a friend that I am not a doctor, and that this is just my opinion. One would do well not to tick off the FDA. GF wants no troubles with the FDA Gestapo. They may confiscate my half broken lap top and empty my bank accounts. Actually, never mind about the bank accounts as other government departments have already taken care of them.

Back off the doughnuts and thanks for reading,

gf

Why Dogs are Idiots

  Let me preface this blog by saying that there actually are smart dogs amongst us. They are few and far between, but they do exist. These are the elite dogs. They are the dogs that may very well graduate summa cum laude, and may be on the verge of being promoted.

  Promoted to what you ask? Who cares! Any dog promotion is better than being a normal idiot dog. Maybe they will be promoted to a human. However, these promoted dogs will probably struggle with fractions and assessment tests after being promoted.

  I am convinced that dogs are a result of regeneration or reincarnation gone bad. Yes, it all makes sense to me now, since I have been living with two visiting dogs for more than a month. These two dogs are idiots. I will refer to them as "MJ" and "DK". MJ is the bigger idiot of the two as well as the younger. DK is calmer, but an idiot nonetheless. While watching the pure and unblemished stupidity of these dogs I have come to the realization that their existence must be a punishment or just plain Karma. I understand that the conservative religious sector of society will call my thoughts heretical, but they would do well to hear my gf logic.

  This line of thinking has made me look inwards at my own failures and idiotic behaviors during my life. High School alone may send me to a dog existence. I am going to be very careful moving forward so as to limit my idiotic instances.

  It makes perfect sense that the creator of life would provide the dog world as a retraining ground for humans. If you are an unadulterated bonafide idiot your entire life you will be become a dog. It is simple as that. An idiot does not need to be a human anymore. Humans were designed to live on a higher plane than that of a regular idiot. Maybe if you fail at being a dog you will become something else. MJ is well on her way to becoming a Jack Ass in her next life. The only way she will prevent this inevitable event is to pull a "Lassie" moment out of her butt.

http://www.jokeroo.com/pictures/animal/yoga-dog.html

 DK will remain a dog. She is sneaky and conniving and takes great pleasure in getting MJ in trouble. She will have plenty of company on her next go around though. I predict a great dog boom in the next several generations of dog life. It is mind boggling how many more dogs are being created by humans every year. For example, I would estimate that seventy-five percent of our great leaders in Washington are headed for a dog's life.

  Why else would be dogs be so kiss-ass? Man's best friend... yea, I know why. Trying to get out of dog world they are. Cats are not like this, neither are parakeets, and fish could give a crap about humans. It is only the canine who is interested in being "part of the family". Do not be lulled into this web of deceit. Cats are perfectly fine being cats. They actually relish being a cat. A cat has no desire in the world to be anything different than a cat. It is as if they have finally arrived in THE perfect world... Cat world. Cat world is full of naps, special food, and licking. Who would want more?

  What happens to dogs who fail at dog world...MJ? It is a frightening thought indeed. I suggested a rat world to the family, but that idea was rejected. "Rats are way too smart and resilient." Then I guess that puts the Cockroach out of the running as well... Squirrels have way to much fun... uh, let's just go with a toad. Karma can go downhill fast from a toad. If you fail as a toad you may end up as a snail. Insects have to be at the end of the road. This is why ants and bees bust ass to get things done. It really must suck being an ant. Bees work hard to just be ripped off. That sucks. Worms, yes the worm world is the end of the line.

 Some idiot folk may just skip the dog world.
 "Hey what ever happened to that creepy lady who got Obama Care to "work"?"
       "Oh, I heard that she is now one of those deep sea fish who glow green and have ugly teeth."

 Look around yourself this week and try to figure out which of the people that you come in contact with are going to become dogs. Then, just for fun, try to figure out what kind of dog they will become.

Why then are dogs idiots? Well, because they are and always have been idiots. They have worked real hard for a very long time at being idiots.  Let's hope that they can focus and not become a toad.

Reincarnation is an interesting thought isn't it? I've been thinking a lot about dogs lately.

Thanks for reading,
gf

How to Win a War

  There has been a lot of chatter about "war" these days. Oh, how I wish the news agencies would change their verbiage. America has not been in a war for nearly seventy years. We have been in some good fights, but nations who go to war historically go in the name of conquest. America usually goes for a good fight. 

 Yes, a good fair fight is what we are looking for. No cheating is allowed. No Nuclear War, no Chemical War, no Alien War, and certainly no Unpopular War is allowed. What is Unpopular war you ask?  Well, nowadays war has to be approved by all of the other spectators to make sure that it is OK, and that the circumstances are just dandy to pick a fight. This is ridiculous.  America really cannot figure out conquest. We fight fairly well, but the whole winning/conquering concept has us bewildered. In this simple and humble blog post, I hope to school America, and anyone else who is interested, on how to win a war.

  The problem with America is that we want to be popular. We watch too many movies. I am speaking specifically of "Western" movies: the ever popular genre populated by "good guys" in the white hats who punish the "bad guys" in the black hats while inflicting few or no fatal wounds. Imagine a scene where ten thousand rounds of ammo are fired and one bad guy gets a nick on his ear... and then surrenders.

http://classicwarmovies.com/green.html

http://www.moviepostershop.com/john-wayne-movie-poster-1971

   According to gf, Westerns have hurt Americas ability to conquer.

  If one wanted to reference a movie for warfare, here are a few suggestions:

Braveheart

300

  Do you see how cool John Wayne looks? This is not the look of warfare. The warfare look is a wild-eyed, crazed, focused-purposeful look. Take a look at John Wayne, and then take a look at Mel Gibson. See that? Good, you need to hold on to that for a moment or two. Likewise, the movie Star Wars has also hurt warfare. Lightsabers, The Force, Ewoks, and Yoda have messed up a good many war strategists.

  Winning a war takes being brutal as well as clever. The Babylonians had war and conquest figured out. When they CONQUERED a country they would remove the men from their homeland (current data suggests twenty-five percent or more men). They would then move in and infest the conquered with their DNA and culture. This was pure genius. Their only problem was that they had a leader gone crazy (this often happens), and they pretty much ticked off God (like the Germans did in the movie "Raiders of the Lost Ark")... Anyway, even with all of their issues, the Babylonians have inspired my war thinking.

It would be an excellent idea for all the world leaders to play several games of Risk. If you are not familiar with Risk it is a war strategy board game. If you do not have it you need to purchase it asap. 

 
Only then would they realize that no one should ever mess with Australia. Every good Risk player knows the strategy of amassing forces in Australia to take over the islands, then China, then Russia, and then the rest of the world. Watch out for those Aussies. 
  Also, a "limited strike" or some such other "Vietnam" bull crap strategy is idiotic and a futile waste of life and energy and a great way to lose at Risk... and at war.

  • important caveat • Winning a war is now impossible because of nuclear warheads. 

  However, let us forge on and figure out how gf would win a war. (You know down deep that this is going to be good.)

  Firstly, one has to figure out who the current undesirables are. (For Hitler, this was the Jews and anyone else who just ticked him off.) Slaughtering undesirables is just ridiculous. I am no way suggesting anything of the sort. Every gf undesirable has a chance for redemption and a new start.

 I have a much better list of undesirables than the Nazis', besides that, the gf undesirable list is much more logical. These trouble makers are very important, as they play a huge roll in conquest. Let me reiterate that the number one rule in war is to conquer. 

  

 Here are the gf undesirables:

 • Murderers in jail

 • Habitual thieves in jail

 • Rapists in jail

 • Extreme couponers (trust me)

 • Individuals who get excited with all you can eat deals. (This is important)

 • Illegal Aliens

  With this list the main objective is to create a win/win situation. For example: Murderers want to murder. This can work to our advantage. We should let them murder... the enemy. Simple. 

  Secondly, one needs to figure out what each specific undesirables task should be. Now, some brief parachute training is job number one. Yes, you guessed it. Instead of taking men out of a country, the plan is to put men into a country... Ninja-like.

  The murderers would get a fifteen minute video and a consent form. If they were to survive the jump from the C-17 they would be all good. They would be free to do what they want to do to the enemy. Maybe there would be a knife or even a gun hidden in the survival gear. America could eliminate the national debt in a blink of an eye with this plan. Emptying the jails of the 15,000 convicted murderers in the US would be a nice start. That would be round about $420,000,000 per year off the books just for the murderers! Now if we cleared out all of the 1.6 million inmates in the U.S. that would be about 3.5 billion or so... according to gfmath. (One may want to validate those numbers.) Once all of the gf undesirables are out of the jails, everyone else in the jails will want to know how they did it. We can make freedom happen for them as well. Now remember that one may not want to go to the country we conquer for at least one hundred years. Yes, just like Australia. Anyway, it will be a hundred years before the roads are paved and the Wal-Marts, McDonald's, and Bass Pro Shops are built.

  Next are the thieves. This is when it starts getting fun. The thieves would get a half an hour video and one practice jump. If America were to drop-ship all of the thieves into the enemy's back yard all hell would break loose. Barbecue grills; rims (especially those spinney type); car radios; iPhones; costume jewelry; high dollar sneakers; and Ray Ban sunglasses would all disappear. This would enrage and confuse the enemy.

  Dropping off the rapists is a bit brutal. I realize this. Maybe some of the murderers will be useful here. At least we will not have to house and feed them anymore. Think of all of the notes that the enemy would get from the gals back home. Oh yeah, they would get plenty upset... and distracted.

  The illegal aliens in America have become a hot topic among our great leaders. The incarcerated illegal aliens clogging our jails would be given US citizenship by signing a form, taking the two hour survival course, and performing five practice jumps. They also would be taken to boot camp and complete a "special training force" program, and given a badge with a skull and let us just say a... Lightning bolt. Yes, that sounds good. After being deployed, they would be the first boots on the ground. That is, of course, the first "professional" boots on the ground, after the murderers, thieves, and the rapists put their boots on the ground (well, technically, they are professionals also).

  The illegal aliens will get distracted. They may not fight very well, but they will learn the language quickly and start taking jobs from the legals. Any social programs would also be taken advantage of by the aliens. They will not fight; they will not need to fight for them to be effective for the conquest.

  How do we get the extreme-couponers and the all-you-can-eaters over there? Well, they will be the last strike. Once the murderers, thieves, rapists, and illegal aliens are done and calmer than they were on their arrival, only then will it be safe for the last strike. The last strike will strip the enemy of the will to live. They will not care anymore. This is when the American flags can be hoisted up to the top of the buildings. We will celebrate by bringing the extra giant flags over that are usually flown at the gas stations with the crappy water-gas for sale.

  Now then, we need to conquer someone with some value. We do not need some broke-ass country full of rocks and sticks. We need to conquer a rich, oil-producing country with trees, and the good cushy kind of grass. Wait, we did... Nope, scratch that, we were just fighting.

Thanks for reading,

gf

The Hypocrisy of Sweet Tea on Sunday

Watching "Christians" dining out, while they are at your favorite restaurant on a Sunday, can be a lesson in hypocrisy according to gf.

While growing up in a conservative environment, I was immersed in the knowledge of good and evil. Evil included working on Sundays. I was always taught that one should follow the Ten Commandments. The fourth commandment, in The Book of Exodus chapter 20, is the commandment about the Sabbath. Check it out.

  "8 Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. 9 Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, 10 but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. 11 For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. " 

Taking the day off when the Creator took a day off is the fourth most important rule in this universe.
I need to think about that for a hot minute... 

   Anyway... Evidently The Sabbath was "leftover day" as no one cooked. The servants were at the lake.

  Now, there is the question of which day is the Seventh day. Currently Saturday is the seventh day. Most go to church on Sunday which is the first day. FYI the people who go to church on Saturday are made fun of by the Sunday-church-goers because they miss all of the good college football games.
  The Seventh Day Adventist obviously know how to read a calendar. But wait, who made the calendar? The Vikings did. Yes... Vikings.. well, The Vikings and The Mayans did. And we all now know how accurate the Mayan calendar turned out to be. Great job on the end of the world date fail by the way.

  Moses was a Jew, so maybe we should just stick with their calendar. Hey, it is their law anyway. Maybe the Ten Commandments only apply to Jews! Whee!!

  Sunday worshipers have made their own commandments. Let's see if the" Mighty gf" (hey, say that with some enthusiasm like "The Mighty and Powerful Oz".) can recall them all.

  1. Thou shalt have no other denominations before thee (Your current denomination is the only one that will save you from hell fire.).

  2. Thou shalt make into thee a giant graven image, which ye shall call a place of worship. (Make sure it has a recreation center with a full-sized basketball court. At least have lots of idols and candles if you cannot afford a basketball court. If one cannot afford the aforementioned adornments, at least have a band with an electric guitar and a drum set.)

  3. Thou are only allowed to take the name of The Lord your God in vain at sporting events and only when you are really, really, really mad.

  4. Remember the Sabbath day to go out to eat after worship. Six days you will labor and do all of your work, but on the seventh day (or the first, if you must insist) you shall eat out and make sure that all of your servants work for small tips. Oh, and be extra haughty and hateful as a new week is upon you. (Be sure to witness to them (...spreading your message to the ends of the earth...) and let the servants know that they should not be working, but rather remembering the Sabbath with you. Leave the servants a bible tract to read, because bible tract literature is such a terribly efficient communication vehicle.

  5.  Dishonor your Father and Mother by not paying attention to the messages in church and "playing church"...that your days may be long in the land... 

  6.  Thou shall not murder, unless you have plausible deniability and a great lawyer. 

  7.  Thou shall not commit adultery. (This is just a suggestion.)
  8.  Thou shall not steal. But, that does not mean you have to give, and it excludes restaurant small wares such as salt shakers, ramekins, and steak knives.
  9.  Thou shalt not bear false witness. (This is an archaic rule and one to be ignored completely. Hey, everyone lies.)
  10.  Thou shalt not covet. However "keeping up with the Jones'" is completely fine.
  11. Thou shalt run thy servant often for extra Diet Cokes, Orange Soda, sour cream, and extra napkins.
  12. Thou shall not read the fine print on any coupon.
  13. Thou shalt threaten the server with a complaint and small tips when things are not perfect.
  14. Thou shalt order more calories (enough to sustain two humans for three days) by ordering giant combo platters with extra sides and condiments.
  15. Thou shalt be hateful and condescending after your weekly worship service.

  I realize that my cynicism has become legend, but I come by it honestly. It is utterly ridiculous when one starts to add up all of the hypocrisy created by all of the "believers" in history. I will not bore you with recanting all of the treacheries of mortals in the name of The God or a god. Pick up a history book, or better yet, look at a newspaper to see this hypocrisy for yourself.
  It is not because I do not believe in God why I think this way. Believing in God is not hard for me. When I look at nature's complexity and diversity, the answer of  "Is there a God" is a nobrainer. Oh, sure, right... we crawled out of a mud pool... I forgot. Whatever. Maybe you crawled out of a mud pool, but I did not. The Chicken came before the egg according to gf.

  What does make my head swim is how so many people can screw something up like "This is My command: Love one another as I have loved you." so horribly. The quickness in which the "Word of the Lord" escapes Sunday worshiper's brains (if indeed it ever reached that far) is record breaking. One just needs to watch them eat at a restaurant after they go to church. If I were a  preacher and I wanted to make a positive impact on the local community, I would preach the fourth commandment every other week.
 This commandment has been trashed. It seems to me that it is a very straightforward commandment. 1,2,3,4,5,6, rest. Got it. Easy. Who lost count? Jackass theologians is my best guess. Great job. Let's see now, how can we expect for any of the hard commandments to be followed correctly if the easiest one stumps mankind. No wonder there is so much adultery, killing, coveting, stealing and bearing of false witness going on these days.

  So let's get back on track here. Moving forward... go to church on Saturdays. Listen to the preacher talk about love and let that concept sink in for a minute or two. Go home after church and eat leftovers. Yes, the restaurant industry will lose money, but the servants will love you.


  Thanks for reading,
gf

Bucky's Bar-BQ ~ Greenville S.C.

When a good friend tells you to eat at a barbecue joint because it is the best he has ever eaten, you need to listen. Then, you need to get going, and go eat at said joint. So, that is exactly what I did.

  Having grown up in South Carolina, I was curious to see how the barbecue home turf was holding up. As "The gf Commander" and I arrived at Bucky's Bar-BQ's Roper Mountain Road location, we found that it was slightly frumpy. This is a good thing, because had we found a fancy-pants barbecue joint we would have probably left. Once inside, we walked past plain chairs and the semi-plain tables which have Bucky's memorabilia laminated to them, and arrived at the short counter in the back corner. I was a bit confused until I found the "order" sign. I have to say, the set up has me still scratching my head, but it did work somehow. The counter man had a whole Boston Butt on a chopping board. As soon as we placed our order he proceeded to whack away and fill the plates with the carefully chopped pork. That was the magical moment in time. Hang on to that moment as it explains much.

  My Sassy Chef associate, who was traveling with me (the aforementioned "gf Commander") ordered a pork plate with green beans and cucumber salad (This was a gluten free lunch FYI). She reported that the cucumber salad was ok, but the green beans needed some much needed help. She suggested putting them back into the can whence they came, and start over with some fresh green beans. I know, ouch already! She also reported that the chopped barbecue was some of the best she has ever had. Unbelievable, that now makes two "best I ever had" comments. She did not use any sauce and said that the meat had a mild smoked flavor which was not overpowering.

  I ordered a combo plate which had the chopped pork and smoked chicken with sides of Cole slaw and sweet potatoes (souffle). The chopped barbecue was as the Sassy Chef had reported . I am not sure if it is the best I have ever had, but it is definitely in the top ten. Now then, the chicken was on point. It was very tender and seasoned well. The cook brought me a sampling of the ribs (cut up spare ribs) so that I could get the whole experience. My undying charm undoubtedly persuaded his conscience to do so. They were fall off the bone and tender, albeit a bit lacking with rub/seasoning. The moisture in Bucky's meats makes the difference. Nothing is worse than dried out barbecue; every bite was tender and moist.

  Sides... what are we to do with these sides? If I were a betting man, I would put $100 down in Vegas on that the sides are not fresh-made in house. The sides need an overhaul. The Cole slaw was drab, and the sweet potatoes were not as good as "the gf Commander's".

 Is Bucky's being penny foolish with the sides? According to gf... yes indeed.

However, the fixing of this side debacle should be fairly painless. My suggestion is to have a contest. Yes, hold a contest for the locals to bring their "A game". Certainly someone in Greenville SC can whip up some green beans and Cole slaw.

This is one of three "big ass" cookers we were able to see.

Tomorrow's lunch.

Secret brisket for a special gathering.

New school BBQ.

Old school BBQ ready to go for a night class. There is a  $60 a head charge for a BBQ class that the owner puts together.

Spices for the class.

  Hickory wood is always a sight for sore eyes. 

  I almost forgot to mention the barbecue sauces! Holy crap! The mustard base was too thick and too sweet for me. Mustard sauce needs to be runny and spicy according to gf. The tomato base was the best sauce they had. It was a good blend of sweet and hot. The vinager base is what I ended up eating the most of. It was good stuff. Hey, I like hot what can I say?

  Bucky's Bar-BQ has it going on. Are they the best that gf has ever had? Well, fix the sides and they are in the top five. Hey, they could even bust out some peach cobbler and vanilla ice cream if they wanted to impress me.

  "Barbecue is a package deal. One cannot just do one part great." gf

  This was a good lunch served by a great staff who had a heaping helping of care. Overall, I understand why my friend Merle said this was the best barbecue that he has ever had. 

Thanks for reading,

gf

Dropped Ice Cream Cones

  What in the hell is wrong with America?

  Wait, let me answer my own question. 

Many Americans are idiots, or sloths, and many have become those who do not wish to be held accountable for their own actions. It would appear that there is a growing number who think they are entitled. How in the world could anyone, from a nation of immigrants, ever possibly feel entitled is beyond gf. 

  If I was fortunate enough as a child to acquire an ice cream cone from the local ice cream truck vendor (and I was, as I wore "husky" size clothes for many years), I knew it was very important to shove the treat in my mouth with a quickness, so as not to drop it on the ground. If I were to drop my treat on the ground I knew it was "game over" - No discussion, no re-do, no more ice cream. Done. (My wife still wonders why, on occasion, I eat things that I have errantly dropped on the floor.) Hey, three second rule... and she is an excellent house keeper. There are no nocuous germs on her kitchen floor.

  This idea of "no new ice cream cones if you drop it" mentality has been infected by video games. Yep, children playing video games are responsible for this change in thinking, however, not totally, as the game creators have a responsibility to bear. Someone desperately needs to hold these chaos creators accountable. I know that the game creators have given back to society as well. Most children now know how to kill Zombies and fly hovercraft.

When one plays Chess, Tic-Tac-Toe, Checkers, Risk, or Monopoly there are no do-overs. One may luck up on a  "get out of jail card", a lucky roll of the dice, or a player who is not paying attention, but that is about it. In video games there is very little accountability, as one can save the game along the way, and therefore, one does not have to completely start over. Yep, the good old do-over.

  The do-over has become an American epidemic. We now do-over everything and anything. Thinking is not an action that is needed... because one can just do-over.  Not happy with your spouse? Do-over. Failed 8th Grade again? Do-over. Wait, no, scratch that... "No one left behind"... what was I thinking? 

  Do-over disease may be why many folks have issues with umpires. Umpires are in charge of do-overs. Hey, some folks do not like God. They don't think he is going to hand out many do-overs on the judgement day. 

 I think a do-over is needed from time to time depending on the circumstance. However, some things just do not need to be done over. Ever. Like Disco. However, this idea that a kid can demand a new ice cream just because they are a klutz is idiotic. Why should the ice cream vendor have to incur this extra cost of goods?

  This poison goes even deeper though. The "I don't like this flavor of ice cream so I am entitled to get another flavor for free" crap is like a plague in our society. Some freaking four year olds are telling their servers "I don't like these chicken tenders, so I want something else". Seriously? Eat your damn chicken tenders already. Your delicate palate knows Kool-Aid and hot dogs. Shut it. Zip it.

  What happens when little Johnny grows

up? Anarchy. Everyone turns into a Gordon Ramsay of Casual Dining. Just great. I can't wait. Just for fun let's pause for a moment and imagine some of those comments.

                         Pausing.....

Well, the best one I thought of was:

  "This (microwaved) crab leg dinner just does not taste as fresh as it normally does".

  It is annoying to make a do-over when a child has dropped their food, but what the hell, make them a new one.

  Why?

 The kid will cry and the mother or father will be completely unsuccessful at consoling the child. The parents will then start to boil into a frenzy if the establishment does nothing. 

  The restaurant has to create a welfare fund for such occurrences. Yes, a secret welfare fund. It is also called a "price increase". 

  So what is the point of this ramble? 

•Take care of children or they will become suicide bombers.

•Do-overs are not so bad. Maybe you will need one soon. I know I do occasionally.

•Bitching raises prices in the end.

•Not being able to say "No" is what ruins civilization.

  So then, "What in the hell is wrong with America?" We just have lost the ability to say "no". This is why our great country is in the shit. Yea, I said it... In the shit. Our great leaders just cannot say no to the whining public because they are scared of not being popular (re-elected to their cushy spot). The leader's uniforms are spotless and pressed. They have not been in the game. Their inability to say no is how we have racked up trillions of dollars in debt and devalued the Dollar. Not being able to say no has pushed the entire world economy into the shit. Hey, everyone wants to be successful like the Americans. Yeah right... whatever.

  Give everyone a new ice cone. Never say no. This is how one ruins a country.

 See you at the soup kitchen.

Thanks for reading,

gf

Max Headroom for president.

Paul Gant's Barbeque ~ Port Saint Joe, Florida

  There is exceptional  barbecue to be discovered everywhere it seems, that is, if one is paying attention.

  Now, is it called barbecue or barbeque? Mr. Gant would seem to prefer the 'que instead of the 'cue. But I could care less, because his 'que is pretty much on cue. (Rim shot please)

  I have this thing for BBQ huts. When I see one I just want to check it out. It is not just the food you see, it is the whole deal. It is patriotic Americana at its best. No corporations, very few rules - save those of common sense and cookery, which is what determines these hut's fates. They are all in. All or nothing. You like it or you don't. Usually, if you don't like them they don't worry about it so much. Opinions are like butt-holes to these folks - everyone has one.

  Wax paper rules the BBQ underworld. Without it, there would be no true Deep South BBQ. 

"Imposters do not use wax paper." gf

  This is the "Hungry Man" Plate. There must be some big-ass men in Gulf County Florida. 

  If this family plays their cards right they could be the "Pineapple Willies" of Port Saint Joe.

   They will have to work on their people skills though. They were a bit non-chatty. How can caterers be non-chatty? I am not sure about that.

  Let's run through this food real quick.

   Potato salad ~ Skip it. I call this "mashed potato salad" and I am no fan of it. It is a typical mayo/mustard/pickle relish fare.

  Baked Beans ~ Delish! Smokey, with brown sugar and infused with pork bits.

  Ribs (spare ribs) ~ These were "fall of the bone" with a slight tug. Served dry, dipping these into the home-made BBQ sauce made them near perfect.

  Pulled Pork ~ Oversmoked. They were using Oak, and lots of it. Nothing is worse than burping up Oak for the rest of the day after eating a plate of food.

  Smoked Chicken ~ Over cooked and dry. It did have a good crust and good flavor though.

  Conclusion? Pull in and order. Do not be skeered. Hey, that is how you say it in Port St. Joe Florida.

Thanks for reading,

gf

  

Bub-Ba-Q ~ Woodstock GA

  I have noticed that there are way too many BBQ joints using a cartoon pig in their signage. Pigs cooking, pigs with forks and knives, cute pigs, pigs over fire, pigs with chef hats, pig butts, pigs with big snouts, and pigs wearing overalls, just to mention a few. (I will of course have to ramble on about this at a later date.)

Therefore, I was ecstatic that I did not see one picture or any other graven image of a Bubba at Bub-Ba-Q. 

  Yes, I was impressed. They did however clutter the joint up with an annoying amount of trophies from BBQ competitions. Enough already. Jeez.

 We had to jump up on some to-go food as all of our posse was at Grandma's house. This young lady was very patient and helpful.

  Bub-Ba-Q has the sauce program working hard. However, I am very disappointed that they allow the company who produces their sauces to use High Fructose Corn Syrup. This is a huge fail According to gf. Look, a BBQ belt! Just like WWF!

 There was a big-ass commercial smoker jammed into a corner in the back.

   I had recenty visited a soon-to-be-famous BBQ joint in West Atlanta who has Hottie "Hogs", so of course, I had to compare them to Bub-Ba's Hotties. I have determined that the waitresses at Bub-Ba-Q were just as hot. Matter of fact, they are hot enough to win a trophy, which could be displayed (with the others) at the restaurant.

 The roasted chicken was tender but it had very little smoke flavor and was light on the seasoning.  The greens were way overcooked. I have no comment on the macaroni and cheese... However, my wife "The Sassy Chef" went on and on about its insufficencies for a half an hour or more. Hey, what can I say? She is passionate about Mac and Cheese!

  The Chocolate Snickers Cake (made by the Alpine Bakery) was rich and delish. 

  The half rack of ribs was very tender and had a nice smoke ring, but I thought they could have used more rub. Skipping past the baked beans... (cough)... the corn-fritter-thingy-bobs were... OMGood.

  The pulled pork was moist and tender. One must dip this into the mustard BBQ sauce. Matter of fact I dipped them into every sauce they had: Mustard, Vinegar base, Spicy Hot Vinegar, and Smokey Kansas City Style. The sauces were on point even though it may take me a while to rid my system of the HFCS that was in them.

  Overall Bub-Ba-Q was good. I did not go crazy-ga-ga over anything, save the corn fritters and chocolate cake, but this is decent Q. They must be doing something right as they had good business and plenty of trophies. One must understand that there is a big difference in winning competitions and running restaurants. Running a restaurant takes focus 24/7 and a great staff. I really liked the staff at Bub-Ba-Q, and I know their focus will take them far.

  Someone at Bub-Ba-Q needs to hire a lawyer as there are Bubbas everywhere. Here is a BubbaQue out of Florida...

 http://www.bubbaquesbbq.com/

(They even have a cartoon pig.)

  Hell, our family even has a Bubba! Yeah, someone needs to wrangle in all of these Bubbas in and sort them all out. 

  Check Bub-Ba-Q out when you get a chance; you should not be disappointed. I am waiting for the "half-off franchise sale" just so I can use the name! Oh, and I am stealing the corn fritter recipe.

Thanks for reading, 

gf