Comma Spliced Blog

Nell Hardin

  Nell said you would get an F on any work that contained a comma splice. In high school, she wasn't "Nell", she was the dreaded "Miss Harden", our English teacher. After we graduated, we were permitted to call her Nell.

   I am still in fear of the comma splice. I fear other grammatical errors as well. (The last two sentences came into being as a comma splice; but they were conquered.) I have often wondered, as I have delved into the world of blogging, what mass errors in grammar I have made. "What would Nell say?" I ask myself on a regular basis. I do not even want to know what Nell would say. I fear Nell.

  My scholastic friends often help proofread (for a good laugh, no doubt) to help me out on my uneducated attempt at linguistic creativity. I do appreciate their help (Special thanks to Ben Waggoner, Ashley Faircloth, and Jill Faircloth), as I do thank God for the infamous red lines that pop up under words as I write. Possibly, through all of my trial and error, I will improve in this area of grammar. However, I am not holding my breath.

  I often wish we would correct ourselves more often, and be as critical of each other when we speak. My mother often did this at home, as did  Nell when I was in boarding school. When I was at boarding school, the professors sat at the head of every table with twelve students. For four years I sat at her table for meals. I had no clue why. Was my need to speak correct English so great? Yes.

 "How are you doing today, Gregory?" Nell would ask.
Greg: "Aw, I guess I am doing pretty good!"
Nell :"You mean to say you are doing WELL, correct?" (see, right there, a comma, semicolon, or a period!!??)
Greg: "Yes Ma'am"


  The destruction of our language is in full force these days. Unfortunately, I believe in some odd way I am guilty of it as well. No, I may not speak in some urban language that has not been mapped out by the professors of language, but I do use slanguage in my speak. Transforming how we (or I) actually speak into a written format is a slickery task. Texting has created an entirely new language; that will have to be dealt with at a later time.

  What is wrong about writing like you speak? Have you ever read old documents or books from the 1700's or further back? We have changed. Were they wrong? Not sure about that. So I write in a "conversational style" or some such. I am OK with this. I embrace this. I implore the reader to ignore the occasional grammatical error and hear what is being written. I do wish that I had slept less and paid more attention in Miss Harden's English class.

Click here to see the Five Most Common Grammatical Errors 
Click here to see Five Grammatical Errors that make You Look Dumb

I will be visiting these sites often.
Do not think of Miss Harden when you read my blog.

Thanks,

gf

Ten Things That Confuse Cats

Champ with his parasite Luna

  I decided that it would be a good idea to take my cat "Champ" for a short ride to the store after he gave me a longing look. I packed him in his ultra new cat carrier. As we started off down the road I thought it would be a good idea to let him out of his carrier to explore about, and look out the windows. Champ was neither happy nor impressed with my thought process on this whole adventure. He started the normal cat "what in the hell have you done to me" howl as he hopped around looking out the windows. He was seriously confused. After his failed attempt to jump out the front windshield I realized this very fact. That of course got my odd and smallish mind wondering what else confuses cats. Here is what I have so far:

Packing for a vacation. Cats run from room to room wondering who got kicked out.

Flash lights, or better yet, laser pointers. This really needs no further explanation. You Tube that if you are bored.

Moving anything confuses a cat, such as furniture, litter boxes, and food bowls.

Snow. We just recently found this one out.

Covers. You can put anything under a cover and the cat is toast. It will either go spastic looking for the item, or ignore it all together.

Shut doors. They really may not even need to go into the other room. The doors being closed drives them insane because they cannot figure out why the door is shut.

Coffee grinders. Good clean fun.

Water. These animals lick themselves to get clean; water has been an issue for eons.

Can openers. The reverse effect of a coffee grinder.

Windshields.


  After I pulled over and put Champ back into the cat carrier, our adventure to the store became much more pleasant. Maybe I should have borrowed the neighbors spoiled chihuahua to sit in my lap and enjoy a quick ride to the store.



Thanks for reading.

gf

Jekyll Island Video 2011

I will share with you our favorite vacation spot in the entire universe. This video was made by Justin Hicks; he is a young man who seems to have a knack for taking very good photos. His banjo playing will soon get him more national attention than this video, but give him a minute, as he is new at that. Zack Brown Band has not been paid for this video. Shh.

Thanks for watching.

gf

The Mayan Calandar and the New Zodiac

  Well the news said that because of miscalculations in time, and/or the tilt of the earth, the Zodiac signs are no longer relevant. The months basically have not kept up with the stars. I think the stars are winning.  So the whole Zodiac deal has shifted.

Copyright © 1998-1999 L.A. Création Française Inc. - All rights reserved

  Now, my gracious and lovely wife has told me for years how the Zodiac signs are "so right on" the money. Therefore, because of one's Zodiac sign, people simply cannot help themselves for whatever misbehavior they may happen to be into. I was comfortable being a Ram, but now I find that I may be a Bull. I had just grown attached to the Aries sign, but now that things have shifted, I am feeling a bit out of sorts. The Bull sounds dumber than a Ram, no disrespect to all the current Bulls, who may or may not be something else now. I have been told that I have all of the Ram traits, and now I am not sure if I am ready to take on all of the Bull responsibilities, other than I am full of Bull most of the time. (Rimshot)

  I am not sure why everything Zodiac is all out of wack, maybe the leap years had not been figured out three thousand years ago. Ancient fail. Above is the best chart for Zodiac calculations that I have found. Dates, stars, names, signs, and elements all in one. Perfect.

  So the issue is that, over time, all of the stars are no longer in the month that they were first seen in by the Ancients. This is an epic issue. Do you realize how many tattoos will have to be corrected? Millions. This is exactly the kind of thing that I feared when I have thought about getting a tattoo. My wife, who dove right in, and got a tattoo with every Zodiac sign of every member of our immediate family, is screwed. Now her five Zodiac signs will have to be done over like five old boyfriend's names. Her pretty little butterfly tattoo will look like a catchers mitt. This is all due to the fact that the ancient stargazers did not have a slide rule. Nice job.

   To make matters worse "they" have added another sign "Ophiuchus" as the thirteenth sign. Look, no one is going to want their new sign especially if it is the thirteenth one. The Zodiac Committee really did not do their homework on this one. Seriously. And the sign is a dude holding a snake. Sign of Satan is what it is. The Devil's sign. Evil Ophiuchus. Triskaidekaphobia - Fear of the number 13.

Manataka American Indian Council

  Because of all of that miscalculating, our current calendar's alignment with the Mayan calendar, which allegedly predicts the end of the world in 2012, is off as well. OK, in plain speak, our calendars and charts are junk. I cannot wait to see the new Farmer's Almanac, as they use the Zodiac signs and such to know when to plant vegetables. Our gardens are going to look like crap this year.

 Have you ever really looked at the Mayan calendar? This is one crazy looking timekeeping instrument. Little men stacked on top of one another. I am not so sure we really need to worry so much about ancient timekeeping. They did not just have "a" calendar either; they had like six or more. One for short time, one for long time, one for sacred time, one for plant time, etc..

One problem with this whole Zodiac / Mayan / End of the world / Tattoo Redo thinking is the translating from one calendar to another. Doing so without the creators of the Mayan calendar around to help with the translation is not good. Some say that the problem is the translation of the word "end". The Mayan allegedly referred to this 2012 date as a "transformation" or a "change" rather than an "end" date. We need to go from from the fourth sun to the fifth sun. Got that?

Here is the real 2012/Mayan/Zodiac deal:

 1. Quit worrying about what your sign or chart said is going to happen to you today. Just do what you know you should do. Please leave feelings out of this equation.

2. Do not go and change your tattoo today. I was however, thinking of getting crazy looking Mayan man tattooed on my left butt cheek.

3. Go ahead and figure out what you need to stop, start, or change in 2011 for preparation for 2012. I am looking forward to start selling "2012 Survival Kits". I am going to make a killing on you people.

Thanks for reading,

gf

MLK Day 2011

I saw this video and just had to share it with all my loyal According To GF followers. So, in honor of Martin Luther King Jr., please check out these two videos. The first young lady is going viral on the internet, and the second video is of three exceptional ladies signing the Negro National Anthem; they should have a record contract!

These made my day.

Thanks for stopping by,

gf

You're an Idiot Part Deux

It was amazing to me, that after I wrote about idiots, how many idiot stories came flooding in to the According To GF Home Office. While sitting in my plush leather chair on the 30th floor, I often chuckled to myself as I poured over the fan mail and sipped on my French Roast coffee. Anyway, here are a few more stories. Some are true idiot stories, and some are stories about people acting like idiots.

Number One.
  I was invited to go to a visitation at a funeral home for a Senior who frequented a local business where I occasionally volunteer. Visitation was held at a small funeral home, that is housed in what used to be the old high school for the African American children in Douglas County (a historical landmark!). There were very few people there, but it was a privilege to visit with the family and friends.
  A coworker let us know that she too was going to the visitation and might see us there. We never saw her, and figured that her plans had just changed. While inquiring the next day why she was not able to attend she, told her story.
  She said that when she arrived the place was packed. She walked right up and signed the guest book. After viewing the body, she made a note to herself that it really did not look like the gentleman that she had come to pay respects to. Brushing that off as an oddity, she continued visiting with friends and family, some that she actually knew. She chatted for about a half hour and left.
 She did not realize that she had gone to the wrong funeral home, and the wrong visitation.
Go ahead, say it.

Number Two.
Urban Redneck Kayaking shot in "Avatar Mode" by Douglasville GA's finest idiots.





I personally know these idiots and I can vouch for their idiocy. I think hitting the car could have been avoided if the paddles had been properly utilized. Note that "Aw hell naw.", "Aw s*#t, and F@3%*ing, would have been deleted had I known how to edit. This is a good documentary on how idiots talk as well. Consider it an idiot education. Snow and ice in the Deep South brings out all of the idiots.

Number Three.
There is no other pleasure that I will have in my life but to share an idiot story from my beloved high school friend Beth.
She VOLUNTARILY submitted this story via fb:
    "eight months pregnant and loading the wood stove - log gets stuck half way out and begins to rapidly burst into flames, I try to push it in to no avail so I pick up a glass jar of pennies that we had sitting near by- thinking only about how heavy it is -I slam it into the log ...needless to say the log didn't budge - glass and pennies go everywhere, as I watch the pennies melting in the fire I realize my brain just simply did not have enough blood to formulate wise decisions...."


Number Four.
  A family friend got "put" into a tree by his 6' 9" friend. He fell out of the tree after he asked for an icy cold alcoholic beverage. That is because a family member threw a beverage, that hit him square in the head, and knocked him out cold. Drunk idiots; an excellent segue into the last idiot story.

Number Five.
   Summer BBQ's are a great opportunity to spend quality time with family and friends. My daughter was at the house, and we planned a day of rib cooking. I take great pride in my meat cooking skills, and I looked forward to showing off a bit, and showing my daughter the finer skills of BBQ. I got the grill ready, wood chips, good charcoal, cleaned the grates, and rubbed the ribs. I loaded the ribs onto the grill, settled into the lawn chairs, and that is when we both realized it was rather warm. "Hey, do you want a beer?" This was the beginning of a very bad day of BBQing.
  Beer has a way of vaporizing time. Beer time warp is a subject that needs to be explored, but at a later date. A half an hour past the time when I imagine the ribs were done, we noticed that we were out of frosty beverages. This had to be remedied. Off we went, escorted to the grocery store by a very loving wife. We shopped for our beverages oblivious to our wardrobes. I sported a sunburnish face with specks of ash, and the famous white T shirt smudged with BBQ sauce, charcoal, and beer stains. My daughter had a bikini top / booty shorts combo, with an ankle wrap that was not secured, flopping along her bare feet. We brought our selections to the register. The cashier and manager asked if we were driving. We pointed to the car outside where the lovely and gracious wife was now waving.
  Upon returning from the store I carefully calculated that the ribs needed a couple more hours of slow cooking. This just happened to be slightly longer than it took us to finish our beverages. We then prepared for the feast.The loving wife had graciously cooked up the side dishes. These lovely side dishes ended up being the entire meal, as the ribs were black, hard, and uneatable.
  We have an idiot dog who savors the delicate flavors of trash cans. He would not even eat the ribs. My daughter sent me to a BBQ cooking class for a Christmas present that year. BBQ tools, books, and other gear are now regular Christmas and  birthday gifts for me from my family.
  Note to self: Drink beer with the ribs after you cook them; not while you "cook" them.

Thanks for the read,

gf

"You're an Idiot."

 Straight out of the gate this is a controversial subject. No one likes to be called an idiot, other than an idiot, or an idiot pretending to be an idiot for personal gain. There are public idiots, and then there are private family idiots. Pretty much every family I have known has an idiot, or a poor soul who has been called idiotic on occasion. My small amount of research has shown that most families have several idiot stories. Matter of fact, the number of idiot stories that I have collected from just my family and friends this month alone has been  staggering. I am sure that I have been called an idiot on occasion; and if you are honest with yourself, deep within your heart of hearts you have an idiot story also. Clear your soul, bring your idiot burden to accordingtogf and be free.

  There are people in public that do not realize that, even if but for a brief moment, they are idiots. They may be a product of our woolgathering society, poor schooling, or their battered brain simply cannot process anymore information due to the brainwashing and bewilderment caused by the internet and video games. Their brain may also be a pool of wasted gray matter from the excessive use of hobby drugs, booze, and or Willie Nelson cigarettes. They just do not have the ability to pay attention.

Server: Yes, and how would you like your steak cooked ma'am?
Guest:  Not Well Done, I like just a little bit of pink in my steak.
Server: How about Medium Well ma'am? Just a thin line of pink OK?   
Guest:  Is that between Medium and Well Done?
Server: Yes ma'am it is.
Guest: Medium Well then, with just a thin line of pink.
Server: (After steak has been delivered) How is your steak ma'am?
Guest: Terrible. It has a thin line of pink in it.
Server: Would you like that cooked up to Well Done ma'am?
Guest: No, I do not like my steak Well Done.
Server: Well done has no pink in it ma'am.
Guest: That is how I would like my steak No Pink.
Server: We will cook that up for you ma'am to No Pink.
...and "You're an idiot.

There are unemployed idiots:
You answered the third question on the last page of the application which is:
Can you perform the essential functions required by the job for which you are applying, without reasonable accommodations?     Yes or No
You circled NO, and "You're an idiot."

There are employed idiots:
"Sir, we can't allow that in the building. Even the police don't ride them in here."
My Friend Ben, who has lived with his disability for twenty years, rode his Segway to the library and got turned away. He stated that the "librarian lady probably did not make the rule, so I decided not to argue with her." 
People who make idiotic rules... "They are idiots,"


There are transportation idiots.
 There is plenty of documentation about idiots on motorcycles. Here are just a few examples:

There are plenty of tattooed idiots:

"I know mom, but I was drunk."

Jail tattoo?

There are no explanations.

He has that "What have I done?" look.

Seriously, you are an idiot.

Nothing is better than a real cool tattoo. Some of these folks have the M.J. syndrome no doubt; they just do not know when to stop. When in doubt with a tattoo, don't.


There are family idiots, and family idiot stories (which will make up an entire blog of it's own and possibly named "You are acting like an idiot."). There has to be a clear distinction between being an idiot and doing something idiotic. Next of kin can never be called an idiot by you and your family unless there is a quorum of seven family members; and three of them have to be cousins, aunts or uncles. With permission, here is an example of a family member, or three, acting idiotic:
A young son number two not being able to read, phones the working parent to ask which can is tuna and which can is cat food, in an effort not to make tuna salad incorrectly. The working parent tells the child to ask the sleeping parent to show him which one is the tuna, and then to make the sandwich. Working parent returns home and finds the empty cat food can in the trash, and the unopened tuna can on the counter. The working parent asks the child what he had for lunch, and he responds "tuna". The Working parent shouts "Oh God!" and then "It's OK, really!" Child cries out "Did I eat the wrong tuna?" "Dad lied to me!" "Am I going to die?!!" The child did not eat tuna for over five years after finding out his and the sleeping parent's error.
I am not sure if it is OK to call a child an idiot because they cannot read yet, or a parent because they worked the graveyard shift and  reads cross eyed when asked to do so when woken out of a deep sleep, but it was a nice segue into this video:

Jessica Simpson is the ultimate reality TV idiot. I am not sure whether she is faking it or not; that in and of itself makes her a Hall of Fame Idiot.

There are plenty of public and entertaining idiots:
Many entertainers have played the idiot, and have done it so very well that we only see them as idiots.

Old School Idiots

Jerry Lewis

Bill had a way with words; he spoke of idiots; I think, as did the following:

New School Idiots

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. William Shakespeare

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain
 

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

I'm not afraid to look like an idiot. Anthony Bourdain 

I've had great success being a total idiot. Jerry Lewis       
 
And of course, there is a song by Radiohead that had the word Idiot in the title. I am not sure if it is relevant to this blog, but I liked the name, and the song sounds cool too. One of the lead singers really gets into the moment and for a second he looks like an idiot, but I think that may just be artsy stuff that I just have not figured out yet. Idiots plus discotheque equals "Idioteque"?? @brandonpk's suggestion actually.

Then there is the American Idiot. I think the world may think of me as an American Idiot, writing about American Idiots. The more I think about it the more they should think of me as an idiot scribing about idiots. Maybe if I wrote about something more substantial that will change the world somehow; yes, then I would not be an idiot. Whatever, I think that making people aware of idiots is just as important as any other world saving fodder. Watch out for idiots; they are everywhere, and they are taking over the world.

 

Thanks for reading.
gf