You might be from Georgia if......

 

...you like BBQ ribs.

 

... you know what the Varsity is all about.

...you have a home AC unit mounted in your rear passenger window which is powered by your portable generator.

  ...you come home and watch this on the news after eating your dinner.

...within thirty minutes of recording this video you have been to the store and bought enough eggs, bread, milk, and beer to last for the next ten days.

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

gf

gf's Top Ten Christmas Shopping Faux Pas

10. Mall managers not calculating human body heat into the Mall thermostat equation.

9. Inability to park straight. If you cannot park the SUV leave, it at home.

8. Salespeople grunting and pointing when asked for an item's location.

7. Glaring at me when when I refuse to sample your nasty Mongolian chicken at the food court.

6. Blocking an entire area with five kids, carts, and strollers so that others cannot shop.

5. Racing to beat someone to a cash register or a parking space like you are in NASCAR.

4. Letting your kid scream bloody murder while you shop in oblivion.

3. Cutting in line.

2. Using a Sears shopping cart to tote your kids and crap around the mall while you shop.

1. Only six of the twenty four registers are open when there is six million people in Wal Mart.

Restaurant Quantum Time Warp Part 2

Restaurant Quantum Time Warp Part 1, although slightly dull, has officially discussed the perception of time as it related to and individual dining in a a restaurant. This is crucial information to understanding Restaurant Quantum Time Warp (RQTW) Part 2. Yeah, I know, you hate homework, but it has to be done.

RQTW Part 2 is made of the stuff that most people really do not see, hopefully. To outsiders restaurants seem simple and straight forward enough. Cook the food, deliver it, and take our money. Close, but no cigar. Time warps should be a first year study in Culinary Schools. The cooking and cleaning is relatively easy compared to dealing with time warp issues. The entire restaurant world runs off of time warp energy.

Time warp activity has never been at a higher level than today during our current recession. Allowed time has shrunk to an all time new low. Do more with less. This is the latest RQTW that has taken place in the last two years. True, it has always been there, but it has recently been recharged and reactivated to wormhole time into a smaller space. The same amount of work must be done but within a smaller time space continuum. The friction of this faster working activity within the time space actually shrinks the time space; therefore less time is needed. The result being less monies spent on time. I call this Recession Quantum Time Warp Activity. Go fast, spend less time, spend less money.

Note that this really works better during a recession. You cannot usually generate a positive Recession Quantum Time Warp during a prosperous time. The result could be devastating if you would be so silly to try. I can hear Scotty yelling at Captain Kurk something about the Di-lithium Crystals.... . When this process is tried during a prosperous time the result is usually a negative warp energy which results in turnover (the worker quits). This most likely will not happen during a recession as there is no where else to go work. During the good times speed of activity can be achieved, but it must be stimulated through other methods, like money.

My head is starting to hurt with all of this quantumness.

Servers are the first ones to recognize Restaurant Time Warps, as they scream for the floor to be cut. When it is slow in the restaurant a server's brain is like honey in February. When there is low volume in a restaurant the servers go into slow motion. They steal food, they whine, the skip out on work, they whine, they start drama, and they whine. It is very important to schedule the employees to the needs of the volume of the restaurant's business or a fair amount of chaos will ensue.

The lower the volume of the restaurant the more negative the time space becomes. Time stretches, slows and then pretty much stops. If you have too many workers standing about time could actually go backwards. Send them all home too soon and the managers will be hearing complaints like " I cannot believe you don't have any more people working today!"  This is an old method to stimulate time into speeding up. Call "volume" in a restaurant, send everyone home, and you are sure to get business that regularly never show up. Tricky business this Restaurant Time Warp stuff is.

This is why a busy restaurant is a happy restaurant. No negative time warps exist. Time flies by and everyone's pockets are full of money. Everything is right as rain, sales are up, labor and costs are beautiful. Your boss and your accountant call you a genius. You can actually meander around smiling at your over staffed store, and for a brief fleeting moment bask in the glory of being a manager.

I think that this is all of the warping I will think of for a while. Keep your eyes open for it, and I promise it will be a while until I bring it up again. Thanks for reading.

gf

Big City Bread Cafe, Athens GA

  I got on the road about 6:30 to make the breakfast date with my daughter Ashley at 9:00 sharp. She was not pleased about the early start, but rising early is good for her I think. I plodded though the Atlanta traffic driving west on I-20 into the brake lit early dawn. It actually was a pleasant drive with very few issues. To those not from Atlanta that last sentence is a rarity. I turned left at Conyers and passed about twenty country stores, some offering "homemade biscuits", and soon passed through Monroe, and then onto Hwy 78, and then Atlanta Hwy.

   My heater, which was recently fixed by the experts at Firestone, was not working at maximum efficiency; this will require taking it back to have them fix it again. New should work better than that. This coolness would linger with me though out most of the day unfortunately. Finding a warm place to hang out was an issue all morning. The Big City Bread Cafe was not our first choice for dining as Weaver D's Delicious Fine Foods Automatic For The People was unfortunately closed. Yeah, I don't know what the hell is up with that name either, but we will just have to find out that information later. My feet were now at the lowest temperature all morning; I needed coffee ASAP.

  Ashley had an excellent Plan B. I was amazed that a Plan B could be as good as a Plan A, but euphoria soon dimmed as her lack of specific directions about the locations of these restaurants enveloped the breakfast event. Thank goodness for Google Latitude. Love you Ashley, mean it. She redeemed herself from Plan A by directing me (generally) to the Big City Bread Cafe. Parking was almost an issue but we squeezed in behind another SUV, and I pretended not to see the faded stripped lines that seemed to call out "No Parking Here". That was going to be my defense for a obvious parking violation, and I was going to stick with it.

  This was an odd red bricked square building with multiple doors and a cool ramp thing toward the back of the building. I felt as though there were secret doors leading into a mysterious inner realm of food production. When we were leaving, a nice smiling lady disappeared into one of these doors that was covered with hand cut out arrows, that was draped with burlap, and looked real artsy. She smiled at us with a "I know something you don't know" smile as she scuttled into the back of the building. We walked onto the patio that had Rosemary bushes surrounding odd birch looking trees that had Christmas lights on them. Nice patio furniture was placed throughout the patio. As we passed by yet another door which had "use other door" sign on it we saw the chalk boards.

  Chalk boards are an important sign of goodness. I think that if there are chalk boards being used in a restaurant or cafe everything is right as rain. I really did not read the chalk board, but that is besides the point. Chalk boards mean fresh food, usually. Sometimes it means food that is about to go out of date, but it mostly means that whoever is in charge is involved with the food and menu on a daily basis. It also means that someone is really good at writing on a chalk board, which is an art.

We entered, and I smelled the coffee. I was instantly happier. Somewhat distracted by the blue and white Christmas tree ornaments hanging from the ceiling, I smiled as I looked over this cafe. This was not somewhere where I had been before, and it did not remind me of anywhere I had been before. What a great feeling of originality, well, more or less. There was a red espresso machine which was nice as I don't really think I have seen such a bright red espresso machine before. The young lady that was running the counter was not annoyed by my overall annoying personality. She was very nice answering and smiling to all my questions. There was a helper running food who reminded me of a kind elf. Not the Santa type but rather the Lord of the Rings type. She was also smiling and obviously enjoying her job.

Being located in Athens GA there were the poster things posted everywhere under the counter. This is a standard operating procedure here. If you eat in Athens or in any college town and to not see these poster things, leave immediately. We were greeted by two nasty calorie filled display cases. I was going into a sugar high already. Cakes, cookies, and chocolate covered mice, and coconut polar bear cup cakes. We grabbed up a menu and started looking for breakfast. We both ordered french toast which was going to be allegedly dredged in a batter and grilled. Then we went about drooling over the goodies in the display cases. I bought a mouse and took him to our table which was marked with a tall skinny chrome marker with a number 7 attached to the top.

We settled into a booth and started enjoying our hot beverages. I glanced at the thermostat; it was set at a disappointing 65 degrees. Still trying to get warm I sipped my coffee and took great pleasure in the black painted heat and air ducts (not so much heat, mostly air), and the black burlap squares dotting the ceiling to reduce the noise echo in this old building. Simple light fixtures and simple tables made this dining room actually pleasurable. I ate my mouse.

Soon our breakfast arrived delivered by the Elvin Princess. We were both shocked at the French Toast as it did not seem as dredged as the description. I was pleased that it looked so simple. It came with two ounces of Maple syrup which was portioned out into a souffle cup. Decorated with one lone strawberry this was a perfect breakfast. The bread was cut on a long bias, and stacked on top of each other, with a slight dusting of powdered sugar. Not too sweet, not over sugared. That in and of it self was amazing to me. There are a lot  places that muck up French Toast. These folks have it figured out. Even though it was a bit pricey ($7), I did not care one iota.

Well, I was nosy and snapped a few pictures of my neighbors breakfast when it was delivered. They were quite pleased that I took a picture of their eggs and biscuits. It looked delicious as well. I did think about asking for a bite, but I restrained myself. On the way out I had to purchase another mouse, a mini cheese cake, and a coconut Polar Bear for my wife. The mouse was the best.






You should check out this place when in Athens.  gf

Restaurant Quantum Time Warp Part 1

I have an inchoate comprehension on restaurant time which I would like to share with you today. Very similar to the discussion of dimensions, that took place at our dinner table at home not too long ago, I have found that there are specific things that can influence your time in a restaurant, no matter if you are a patron or an employee. Please visit www.tenthdimension.com to glean all the pertinent information on time travel and such.



OK that may have just given you a headache, but it is somewhat important for our discussion. Back to the Restaurant Quantum Time Warp.

  As a guest in a restaurant, cafe', or a pub, you have undoubtedly experienced these time warps, even though you may have been unaware of the"quantumness" of it all. (Use the Q words gf, it confuses them and makes them dizzy.) What causes these time warps? Glad you asked.

Here are a few things that make a Restaurant Time Warp warp longer that come to mind:
1. No one opening the door or greeting you when you first walk in.
2. No immediate greet at the table, the longer the greet, the longer the warp.
3. Drink service taking more than three minutes.
4. Appetizer or salad service taking more than six minutes.
5. Lack of service in general; refills, removing dishes, bread service, and a warm smile not present.
6. Server or kitchen error that drags the entree from arriving promptly.
7. Improper or slow check/change service.
8. Annoyances. (babies over babying, drinkers over drinking, managers over managing, farters over farting, etc.)
 


Think of your time in the restaurant as a circle; the left side of the circle being the beginning, and the right side of the circle being the end.



 


Positive activity within the circle bombards the molecules inside the circle, which in turn bombard each other, and like unto a tea kettle on the stove expels excess time which has adhered  to the molecules. This creates a vacuum in your time experience shrinking the space from the beginning and the end.

 

When this takes place you may speak comments like "Wow, where did the time go? We had a great time tonight! I cannot believe it is so late!..blah blah blah". You have come out of the positive Restaurant Quantum Time Warp with out really knowing the "quantumness" of it all.


However, the reverse is true as well. Negative activity, like our list above, makes the Restaurant Time Warp expand expeditiously. Negative experiences within your time circle adhere to your time molecules with a coldness, slowing them down, and adding layer upon layer until your time circle expands like bad spandex on an inenarrable over-eater at a bad buffet.

So there you have it, Part One of Restaurant Quantum Time Warp. Be sure to recognize this when it happens and share with the others. If you start to experience a negative Restaurant Quantum Time Warp either try to pull your waiter out of the warp (this can be tricky), or involve the other staff and mangers into the warp (this usually fixes any warp issues; that is unless there is an overall staff warp going on, which will be addressed in Restaurant Quantum Time Warps part 2)

**footnote
I really just wanted to use the word quantum to get your attention, as I have a very limited understanding of most anything starting with a "Q". I avoid "Q" words when at all possible, along with most "X" words and occasionally "W" words. Not over using them just makes my life move in a smoother manner. This shyness of these odd consonants most likely stems from getting punished by them when they landed on a Triple Word Score in Scrabble.

Thanks for reading.

gf

Colonel Poole's BBQ

North of Atlanta up I-575, if you are patient you will spot Col Poole's BBQ on the right in East Ellijay GA. You will most likely drive past it as you stare, no, gawk at the mass quantities of pigs on the "pig hill of fame". Be smart, turn around and check it out. This place is either the result of a marketing genius, or someone with way too much time on their hands. This is a pretty cheesy looking place, but that is what makes for the best BBQ joints sometimes, and as I found out this was no exception to the rule. I would give this a number ten on the cheesy wheel rating. Here is a view of the place as I walked in.




Yeah, pigs everywhere. The menu is the average Southern BBQ menu with "Pork Plates" and "Chicken Plates' and such (they were out of chicken however). They had T Shirts for sale, political pictures everywhere (did not see many Democrats or Independents), and an electric piano. I like BBQ huts like this because there are no rules. No corporate, political correctness at all, no, toss all of that out. Free speech reigns supreme here. You don't like it, then leave. I love that. This is what America needs more of, people making what they want to make, how they want to make it, and not really caring so much about whether or not you do not like it, and having a "not getting mad if you do not want to spend your money here" attitude. Don't like pigs stuck everywhere? Don't care. Don't like political conservatives? Don't care. Don't like Gospel music? Don't care.
 However, on the other side of that same coin, this is what the draw is, so deep down they do care, but not so much that they are going to change and pipe the latest hip hop music through the speakers. Everyone who worked here was attentive, polite, and relatively speedy. The "dining room lady" was delivering food using the "look for who is not eating" method of service. She was fairly efficient paying attention who had been sat latest so she did not have to hunt and peck too much. "87?? who has ticket 87??" chimed through the busy dining room occasionally, but the place way running smoothly for a Sunday afternoon.
 There was a large ice machine labeled "do not open" in the side room, and a table set up with plastic forks, straws, and extra napkins and lemons. Everyone I watched had a smile on their face save the German ladies sitting opposite us in the next room. I was not sure what they thought. I was going to ask, but for once I saved them the embarrassment of a gf conversation, having to answer silly questions in broken English. But that would have been funny.
I ordered a Pork Plate that came with two sides; I chose slaw and green beans. Green beans, poor choice; put them back into the can whence they came. The slaw as well as the BBQ I believe, was inspired by our good folks from North Carolina; no mayonnaise in the slaw, rather vinegar based, both were quite good. The BBQ had a slight smokiness, but I felt that it could have been smoked  a smidgen better. Smokiness is a tricky deal; too much can derail any BBQ. Some folks think that smoke is a food group; not. The Col. needs to toss another log in the smoker, but other than that this was good eats. I ate the bbq with out sauce, save the glob that they plopped down on top of the pork, which was quite good to my surprise. It had a tomato base and a slight sweetness, no doubt provided by molasses or sugar, but it was tasty. The sauce on the table was sweet enough to put me into a diabetic coma. No bueno; 86 the table sauce Colonel. Overall I enjoyed my visit; this is a great place. Take the family on a weekend visit. Buy a pig.
Visit the Colonel at www.poolsbarbq.com/

Thanks for reading.



gf

Halloween

Why is it that every month we have to have a holiday? Is Halloween a  holiday? For certain unnamed entities it is; I am sure of it. Halloween used to be simple. My mother put me in a dress with beads, applied generous  amounts of rouge and lipstick, told me I was a gypsy, and gave me a pillow case to collect candy. Humiliated I went forth, following the lead of the older children. I soon shed the humiliation and replaced it with glee and mischief when I figured out this was a free sugar bar. Any and every flavor of chocolate and candy was at my disposal by singing a short chime.

Today it seems to be different. Church folk have embraced the "holiday" as if in some mad competition to pass out more sugar than the Devil. It is not so safe to wander around in neighborhoods singing for candy. I am not confident that some churches are safe for kids, but at least we know where they are. "Trick in Trunk" is the latest gig at churches. See a kid you want.... toss 'em in the trunk. I know, the candy is in the trunk and that is how they pass it out. This has all the makings of a new "B" horror movie.

The costumes have been changing for years, lots of good ones are about. I think this country is obsessed with horror though. I say enough of the horror. I am tired of horror. I think that horror turns into gross, then into pathetic, then into boring. Funny is the ticket. This is the way to go. You have to use more of your imagination to create scary funny. That, or cute is the answer. Kids under six are what makes this "holiday" fun. Thirty year old vampires or Star Wars characters is not what the originators of this "holiday" were thinking about when they wrote the Halloween Constitution.

Animals do not appreciate you dressing them up. They have feelings too. But then again, it is too funny to see a rat dog dressed up like Superman so that makes it OK.

Thanks to Cindy for sharing these pics.

gf

Reunion Results with Video Documentation

Well, we made it to the Thirtieth High School Reunion, or some such number. Not everyone was able, or wanted to come, and they missed out on a good time of catching up. Our high school reunions are different than most. We all lived together on a mountain in Western North Carolina, in a strict environment, but with people who really did care about you (no matter how annoying you were). It was like going to church every day of your life. I like church for the most part, but sometimes it gives me a headache.

I tried to lay down the rules of a reunion in my previous blog. These rules fell on deaf ears obviously. The roadmap to success is to follow directions. Speaking of directions, I needed directions in a bad way. No, I did not have a GPS, I had a Rand McNally. Let me show you how that worked out for me.

Yes, so we did finally make it. It only took twenty five years to go to another reunion, but it was worth it. We had really small classes in high school, and we lived together, ate together, showered together, played sports together, and dated the same forty or so girls. It was very cool how we all jumped right back into the melting pot and became Ben Lippen Stew again. I, of course, am not so much substance in that stew, just mostly bits of salt and pepper. I was disturbed by the violations that I encountered right off the bat. Here we have documentation of dancing, touching, and crazy laughter.

I know, scary right? This is why we have rules. You break the rules and you must pay the consequences. Welcome to gf D-Hall. No writing of words or restrictions, no, just Worldwide You Tube.

Got that?

OK, on to the reunion the next afternoon. This was a lot of fun, mostly.

I was impressed beyond my expectations with the photography of this event by several classmates. I will have to collect some of these and share them with the blog world. I am sure I will have to pay a fee as some are professional photographers. Very nice job Ricky, Ben, and Beth as well as others. I on the other hand do not claim to be any thing by amateurish with my newly acquired photo hobby. So then, here are my pictures during picture time.

I also had the opportunity to spend some time with my family at this reunion. My son Alex and his girlfriend Katelyn came for a day visit. This was a well received surprise and we took advantage of it with some time in Charleston with them.



After some shopping we ate at Hyman's Seafood Restaurant, and then took a "Ghost Walk" through downtown.....spooky. Yea.

While on the Isle of Palms we checked out Fort Moultrie and also discovered a "Fort Church".

Finis

It was a good weekend that I really needed. The weather was perfect so that I did not need all of the sweaters and long sleeves that I had packed. Thank for all of you for inviting me, and putting up with my new video toy. A special shout out goes to Dawn Garlow who is our undecorated "Secretary of Alumni Affairs". This is her new title. She keeps up with everyone's email addresses, sends out myriads of birthday reminders, and overall keeps us all in the loop when the rest of us are "too busy" to communicate with each other. Thank you Dawn, great job.

P.S.

As I started to write this blog, which was to be a funny documentation in a gf way, I felt as though someone has kicked me in the stomach, and I had the feeling of disappointment, as though someone had tossed my ice cream cone into the dirt. One of our classmates Tom Scott has passed away. Tom was a real good guy. He was smart, funny, and a great athlete. Even though I had not kept up with Scott (like many others) I thought of him often, and I missed him at this reunion.

I will continue on, and I will do what I do in this blog, and that is be a distraction, an annoyance, and sometimes if I try real hard, I can make someone laugh. That is what I need right now. We will miss you Tom.

Reunions

I finally made plans to attend a High School reunion. I am not sure why, but I recon than it was mostly due to harassment by other classmates. I look forward to it in some twisted and odd way. There will be plenty of odd moments, pauses in conversation, and amazement at what thirty years will do to a body. I hope that there will also be some old friendships made anew again.

What I dread will be "story time". I will flee from this activity unless I am the one telling the stories. I do like to tell a story. Embellishing the original story just enough not to call it an out right lie is the trick. Decorating the story with colorful side stories and clever comment is what I enjoy the most. This also distracts others from telling stories about you. Trapped in the "oh, I cannot believe do don't remember that" conversation is the ultimate deceit. It never happened, but you are so old, and or you were so messed up at the time, that there is no way to combat this tactic.

My plan is to play Snoopy's Joe Cool. You just can't mess with Joe Cool. One must be cool to play Joe Cool though. Nerds need not apply. Joe has it going on. He is confident, handsome, and well, just damn cool. I imagine that this reunion will mark us as mostly uncool; so we must fight back.

Here are the Cool Rules:

1. No high water pants or out dated clothing. This will make us uncool right out of the gate if we mess this rule up.

2. Use of catch phases older that five years are strictly prohibited. "Dude", "Far Out", "Radical", may put one in jeopardy.

3. Dancing. Stop it. Sit down and eat your doughnut.

4. Laughing too loud, or with some weird squeal or snorting action, is not allowed.

5. Too much hugging or kissing is prohibited. You are not my grandmother; stop it.

6. Living in the past is prohibited. Put the yearbook away. We made it through adolescence; there is no need to drag us back through it again.

7. Drinking too much. This is another activity that should have been exclusive to the time frame of youth. "I was young and stupid" is a good excuse; "Look at the old drunk" is not.

Seven a good Biblical number. That should do it for now. Wish us luck. We will need it.

gf

"I would like an extra sausage biscuit please".

This comment immediately started a clamor amongst the workers and volunteers at the local Senior Center. "She don't need that extra; that is bad for her heart." and "If she doesn't watch it she will get fat."and "Now every one will want extra." as well as other comments were sent flying across the room.  I volunteer occasionally, sometimes with a twisted arm, and other times not, because I really enjoy the buzz of a Senior Center. If you seek cheap entertainment, this is the place to be.

As I was listening, while drinking my third cup of coffee, my mind started whirring a bit.
What am I going to do when I am 87? Exacty. Whatever the hell I want to. If I make it to 87 I think I will have an extra biscuit please, among some other treats. I proposed this thinking to the group. There was a pause in the room for less than a minute, then everyone started in on what they would do if they made it to 87. This is when it got interesting. As the workers thought about the question their true personalities started to come out.

I started off with orange hair. Hey, if the lady out front can have orange hair why can't I? "I am going to play my banjo poorly (as usual), on the front porch, while chewing on my extra sausage biscuit, with orange hair."

Then came the obligatory " I am gonna get stoned." ; this started a Bevis and Butt Head twenty minutes that no one will ever get back. Once getting stoned was out of the way the real bright ideas started flowing.

"I'm going to start back smoking."
"I'm, going to eat pork." (maybe she was Jewish?)
"I'm going to fart all day long, in public."
"Not going to shave my arm pits, or legs; I am going to drink booze all day, and mess my pants." (winner winner, chicken dinner)
"I am going to let my dog run off."
"I am going to be bossy."

Thinking for my spouse, I suggested that she would eat bon bons, and read romance books all day. I looked back on when my grandfather (mother's side) Asa A. Gullet was still with us. He did not make it to 87, but he had a good plan. He solicited the idea of taking cold showers to anyone who would listen. He also ate dry wheat toast and drank pots of coffee while he rambled on in monotones about his life on the farm, or droned out the last couple of verses to his latest poem. Most of the family thought of this activity of his as being somewhat annoying, but I found a weird comfort in it. He was doing what made him happy and I applaud that.

My grandmother (father's side), was way too cautious in my opinion. She would have done well dying her hair orange and farting in public. She was always aware of perceptions, and politeness; that is unless if it had to do with another race. Maybe if she had done something that she really thought was out of the box she would have smiled more often. She was content with pickling peppers, and sewing hems, and eating beets.

If you are a Senior and you are not going to a Senior Center, you are missing out. A Senior Center is like a country club without the booze and golf. Some people just go to church and they make that their social gathering place. That is good I guess, but you really will miss a lot if you just stick with the church crowd. There are some hilarious people at a Senior Center.
 

If I make it to 87 I am going to.....
Wear a Speedo,
grow a pony tail,
get a tattoo,
dye my hair orange,
and annoy as many people as possible.

What are you going to do?


gf

Have a Coke and a Smile, and...Diabetes.

ScienceDaily (2007-08-23) -- Researchers have found new evidence that soft drinks sweetened with high-fructose corn syrup may contribute to the development of diabetes, particularly in children. Drinks containing the syrup had high levels of reactive compounds that have been shown by others to have the potential to trigger cell and tissue damage that could cause the diabetes, a growing epidemic.

Check it out.
gf

Campers

I have been thinking of purchasing a camper. There are several levels of camping I have discovered. Generally, I am a city boy, but I am sure I can at least pose a s a good camper.

Outdoor Camping

There is tent camping which I have done; check. Then there is RV camping. Before you go RV camping you must have an RV. Now you must own a small bank to be able to purchase one, therefore smallish RV's appeal to me more than the XXXL type. At some point you are not camping anymore with RV's. There is a threshold that is broken as the size of the RV used increases. I am not quite sure where this threshold is, but I do know that using the XXXL RV to go camping should just be called "Mobile Homing". Camping requires some sacrifice that is rewarded with the connection with nature. A sixty foot RV with a pop out and an awning does not seem like camping to me. I may start with a tent. I have pretty much decided on a Tee Pee type tent. I think I will feel like a Native American in some small way, and therefore, be even closer to nature. Indians had the camping thing figured out. They actually had almost everything figured out except for the deception of the white man. Hats off to the Indians who did not play nice. Had they known how we were to foul things up after moving in, they would have killed more of  our ancestors. There are tents that fit onto the back of a truck or a SUV. These are for quick get-a-ways, and or so that you do not have to sleep on the ground, or for those of us who cannot quite decide to camp in a tent or an RV. They are on the fence. One would not want to get too close to nature; the effects may be detrimental. If you go camping in a half tent half truck contraption you may just be showing the world that you are truly a Milquetoast. Definitely not an Indian, I am sure of it.

Indoor Camping
I realize that this sounds like an oxymoron, but it does occur. Nothing is more annoying than indoor camping. I am not referring to kids sleeping under blankets propped up in the living room, or sleep overs with pillow fights. No, I refer to the camping that goes on inside restaurants or a small diners. Now, where some folks go wrong is the simple confusion between a bar or pub and a restaurant. I think that one of the things that promote this activity is TVs placed all over the restaurants these days. 86 TVs in all restaurants. This will stop most of the confusion; customers mindlessly watching TV during and after eating must be stopped. Drinkers, however, sitting at a bar or in a pub watching TV is completely different. We want these folks to continue to sit and drink; the longer the better. Drinkers watching TV is safer than them driving ~ A. Drinkers talking about the TV is better than them talking about what is pissing them off ~2. And C ~ Watching TV makes drinkers thirsty.


Face it, Sunday diners are the worst. I am not sure what must be talked about after church, and then lunch at the local restaurant, but it must be awful important. How much freakin' "fellowship" must these people participate in? This is not all that irritates the average bear. Wipe that snide "I went to church and you didn't" look off of your face. What the hell! There are also the completely pissed off "I just went to church and the preacher said I was a sinner, and told me that I did not put enough money in the offering plate" diners. God help you if you are the server to this group. I am sure you may get the "I'm sorry I gave all my money to Jesus" excuse for not tipping. Wow, I guess that did stick in my craw over the years. These Sunday people need to understand that fellowship must be done on a front porch.

Morning breakfast camping can disrupt the flow of the life cycle in mankind. Breakfast is meant for eating, thus the name break-fast. Eat and get up, especially if it is Saturday. Everyone and their brother is eating breakfast on Saturday. Read the paper on the front porch; other people are starving from their own personal fast. No breakfast camping allowed moving forward. There is no excuse for this table hogging at a Cracker Barrel Restaurant as they have a flipping front porch. Read your paper there please.

No matter if you are an outdoor camper, or an indoor camper, the biggest thing that I think that you must focus on is not to be a showboat. If you just went to church and really enjoyed yourself, and feel full of the Spirit, there is really no need to rub it in to the rest of us that are not so fortunate. The same goes for outdoor camping. Just because you can afford Graceland, there is no need to drive that obnoxiously large mislabeled "camper" that is large enough to house the average American family. Live like an Indian.


gf

86 Texting While Driving

Texting while driving a motor vehicle is now officially illegal in the great state of Georgia. This is a good thing because being distracted while driving can kill you or someone else.

So that got me thinking. I know, but it is most likely why you are here in the first place.

What is next? What else will follow the texting law? Here are a few of my random thoughts on the subject.

Eating. Burritos, tacos and any Mexican food will have stiffer fines because they drip on your white shirts. This makes me swerve across the double yellow lines. Any eating is no different from texting as you are using one hand to eat and one hand to drive. Whoppers allegedly need two hands. No bueno.

Fighting. This is where, sooner or later, all married couples and families will run into trouble. Especially when the driver is lost. I can hear the State Patrol Officer now. "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? ..'uh no.' "I clocked you doing forty seven miles per hour while fighting in your vehicle with the passenger to your right . Violation 23-45b.

Crying. For the love of Peter, water is streaming out of your eyes! How is one to see? I see this as a major driving violation. There is no crying and driving allowed.

Laughing. This goes hand in hand with crying. Sometimes extreme laughter produces tears, muscle pains, and other contortions. Laughing is very dangerous; it also can be linked to farting. No laughing allowed.

Farting. All family sized cars and vans will be profiled by the police moving forward, as family farting is one of the most common violations. If you have large teen boys who just packed in some Varsity chili cheese burgers, and you are on a leisurely drive home, you are in dangerous territory. There will multiple violations to include laughing, fighting, crying. Be prepared to have your license revoked.

Bikinis. This is usually a bigger distraction among men, however if one spots the right bikini on the right person anyone is at risk. Go to church more often. Wear dark sunglasses. Remember it is usually OK to wear a bikini, but not to be distracted by one. Kind of like a "no touch policy" with your eyes. Scary. Now if you are wearing a bikini like unto a ZZ Top video you could be ticketed as well for being a distraction. I guess it really depends on how well you are sporting the bikini. It could be a badge of honor to get a ticket for wearing a distracting bikini.

Breast Implants. Yea, well you are on your own here. Pray that they are not wearing a bikini. I see this as an opportunity for female police officers to set up road traps.

Loud Music. Enforcing this will eliminate more than half of the drivers in the Atlanta area. This should include playing with a CD player or MP3 player. It is the same as texting pretty much. Fiddling around with a gadget is the same no matter the gadget.

Spinner Rims. Why do people get spinner rims? Yes, exactly, to distract you from the road and make you look at their rims spin. This can put you into a dazed trance, putting your life and others in danger. Spinner rims are more dangerous than texting while driving. Texting will not usually hypnotize you at a red light. Spinner rims are most definitely a violation.

Babys. I really do not need to explain this one, but I will. Baby seats have to be in the back. You are driving in the front with the milk, toys, and diapers. This math is easy. Driving with your left hand, holding the bottle with your right. God help you if you have a straight drive. Oh, yeah, then they just spit out their "binki" onto the floor board. Nice distraction. Violation.

Rain. Come to Atlanta and drive in the rain. Everyone gets a ticket. Period.

Reading. Now you can read the Atlanta Constitution from front to back in most any rush hour traffic, but it is a violation. Ticket that reader.

Slouching. If we can only see your knuckles on the steering wheel while you are driving you are a violation.

What are your favorite violations?

gf

Poison the Sequel

This is a good video on Poison. If you have a minute or sixty, sit back and listen to Mr. Professor man talk about what the heck is wrong with America and how we eat.

What we have here is a classic conspiracy by the leadership of our nation. This makes the Watergate and Monica Lewinsky scandals look like a joke.

Sit back and enjoy the ride. Let me know what you think.

gf

The One Eyed Rat Dog

David Baker, a classmate from another time long passed, started a discussion about "rat dogs". David is very clever by asking the right question to stir up the raw emotions that he knows will rise to the surface when such a question is proposed. "What poundage does a dog cease to be a dog and becomes, instead, more of a rat with fur.(?)"

I am the proud owner of a rat dog. There were many opinions about the specifications of rat dogs, and most were relevant to ones own experiences. I will attempt to give an accurate account of my experience with our rat dog.

I arrived home one evening about four years ago. My wife had let me know in advance that I would be welcoming our newest addition. I was going to be the proud owner of a Shih tzu male, whom had been rescued from an abusive breeder. I was also painfully aware that this was a rebound dog for my wife, as she had just lost her Pomeranian to a sudden illness. She had warned me that his appearance would be somewhat startling.

As I entered our bedroom I was greeted by the demon. He stood up on his hind quarters, while sitting at the foot of our bed, and threw his head straight up into the air bellowing his best and most fierce barks. He had a giant white cone wrapped around his hideous head, which sported a nice eye patch. His black body was a patchwork of shaved spots and healing skin. He was not happy about my arrival. I was not allowed to proceed, therefore I left.

I returned to claim my room with a great strategy. I did have the knowledge of steaks working in my favor. It did not take long to quiet this disaster of an animal after he started watching me eat my steak dinner.I slowed his barking and made friends with "Ludo". Unfortunately one of the aftereffects of this strategy is that when I eat he thinks he has to eat. This can be especially annoying at breakfast as his cage is in plain view of me dining.

Ludo had been abused as a stud dog. I use the word "abused" in a more lighter tone these days; the longer I live with this dog the more I have begun to empathize with the abusive owner's mindset. This rat dog has been sent from heaven to test our family. I can wholeheartedly understand the anger that can well up into an individual living with this dog. I have not reached the pinnacle of wrath that the abusive owner achieved yet, but I have been dangerously close I think.

Ludo loves trash. This is most likely the sole reason that the previous owner kicked Ludo's eye out. Ludo would rather eat trash than steak. He absolutely is a trash hound. This is a another great reason that I can call him a rat dog. When he gets his monthly cage cleaning we find all kinds of wrappers and other evidence of his pillaging the refuse without being caught. He also loves to chew pennies and other metal objects with the remaining six teeth that he has managed to keep. If Ludo has lost his penny that he takes to bed he will search until it is found. Only then can he comfortably bed down for the night.

Overall this dog is a train wreck. he has to be shaved on a regular basis as he is "allergic to his hair". This was the diagnosis from our local veterinarian. Therefore Ludo gets shaved mostly on a regular basis. Since we are in poor economic times I perform this delicate operation on the back porch. When Ludo has hot spots or tangled hair I am forced to be creative and cut this rat dog's hair with a new style. Unpopular at first, these unique hair cuts are now becoming highly sought after by other canines that pass by our yard.

Overall, I really do not care for this dog. He does however, make for a good conversation on occasion.

gf,

Hey Sugar Sugar!!

Hey suga' I have been reading about sugar.
Click here to read about the benifits of honey and the evils of High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS).

Think about Barry B. Benson when you read this information.

As always, be very aware of any evil corn eating kittens.

Enjoy,
gf

Nascar Revisions Explored ~ The Deep South 2.0

I am not a big NASCAR fan. I am just being honest. There are an abundance of folks in the world who would say that it is the best sport in the world though. Here are some obstacles in my mind that deter NASCAR from being in my top ten sports. I may have to explore these in full detail at a later date:

• This sport uses an obscene amount of gasoline.
• Tires, lots of tires are used. I don't think that they decompose so fast.
• Pollution --lots of that.  
• Noise, pass the BC Powders.
• Rednecks. I really don't want to go here.
• Annoying bright colors and big ass numbers.

There is no wonder spectators drink themselves to stupidity. I think that Richard Petty promoting headache powder is just about right on as you can get.

But these are not the things that I would like to discuss in this blog directly. I would like to discuss the sport (or lack there of) with NASCAR. 

The Problem

NASCAR was born right here in North Georgia by transporting Moonshine. Yep, good ole White Lightning. Fellas would soup up their cars to outrun the law. They had to be tricky, sneaky, fearless, and be real good at modifying their cars to do so. They had to transport Moonshine, and lots of it, rapidly through Atlanta (MARTA moving alcohol rapidly through Atlanta). The locals will get that. This required unique cars with clever suspensions.

Well I would say that all of those traits have been successfully and completely eradicated from the sport these days. Here is why I think so:

• NASCAR is predictable. Turn left.
• No one is chasing anyone really.
• The cars have to all be designed basically the same way; engines, bodies, etc..
• There is no transportation involved.

 Now I am not saying that it cannot be exciting to watch, because they have a huge following. I just have suggestions (as usual) on how to take this sport up a notch or two. I mean after all, if we are going to pollute, burn rubber, and suck up gas, we need to make a concerted effort to take it to the max, and make it just a bit more old school at the same time.

First Things First  
The race cars have to tote moonshine in glass Mason jars in the trunk. Preferably in a wooden box in the trunk. This will require saw dust or wood shavings as a packing substance. No air bubbles sheets or Styrofoam peanuts to pack it with would be allowed. There is enough plastic pollution going on already. I figure that twelve quart size Mason jars should be enough at first. Every time you take a pit stop you would have to add another box of moonshine which would add more risk and weight to your ride. This will eliminate any unnecessary pit stops.
The other part of this transportation equation is that for every bottle broken points (laps) will be deducted. This may encourage some to ram into the backs of others, but after a few races this will change as there will be free reign to modify your car.

The Cars  
As in the olden days, drivers and teams will have freedom to modify their cars. This will make it messy at first, but after a while things will work out on their own. Moonshine running was dangerous, if you are a sissy you have no business racing. Also, if you are a sissy you have no business watching this if you have such a tender heart. It would be like no holds barred fighting. Real messy in the beginning, but they are fine now.
In the example of cars running into the back of other cars to break their bottles, this could be corrected by a simple modification. I would suggest a steel spike stuck onto the back of the car that would ram into your engine before you hit my bottles. OK, that was a bit medieval I will admit. That would be more like jousting. I will have to think about that some more.


The Race 
True NASCAR fans stopped reading about ten minutes ago. That is OK. Progress must be made. I will forge on diligently for the rest of us. This is where the true craft of new NASCAR racing begins.
The old moonshine runners had guns. I suggest paintball guns. Going two hundred miles per hour and getting shot in the head with a neon bright pink paintball would be like a hole in one during the Masters tournament. Cruising by an opponent and blasting their windshield with paint will take courage, skill, and a bit of luck. Hey, if you do not like the annoying colors of your opponent - blast them. 
I think there could be plenty of other challenges put in place as well. Here are a few suggestions:

• "Switch" - This is when a special flag is posted and all cars must turn around and go in the other direction.
• "Oil Spill" - Oil would be deliberately poured onto the track to cause havoc.  My suggestion is that this be done early in the race as there is always too many in the race to begin with.
• "Tacks" aka "The Wile E. Coyote" - I don't know. Maybe it is my Warner Brothers influenced childhood. 
• "Leave Them Where They Stop" - If a car breaks down, or parts fly off a car, the stuff has to stay in the road. This will make the track more of an obstacle course.

There are more that we can all think of if we put our minds to it. I think with these few changes NASCAR will become more interesting and more like the original sport. 


I would guarantee that if races were run like this fans would not have to drink themselves stupid at a race just to have a good time. 


To all of the NASCAR fans around the world. Love ya, mean it. I just have two words more for you. Sun Screen.


gf

Four Way Stops ~ The Deep South Part 1.5

My town is the epicenter of the universe when it comes to four way stops. There really is no reason for most of them. I suppose that most were created by a stern "recommendation" by some crusty Board of Commissioner's wife who did not like it at all that she had to wait her turn at the entrance of her subdivision. This is precisely how ninety eight percent of all four way stops were most likely born in our county.

On my five mile drive to work there are two three way stops, one four way stops and three traffic lights. The issue is not whether drivers need to slow down, and they do, but rather what they do once they have stopped. The majority of southerners do not know what to do at a four way stop. They feel bad that you had to stop too. Therefore they do the only Southern thing to be done....wave the other person on through who got to the stop last. I found out lately that this is not the only time this event takes place. I was turning left at a traffic light last week when a nice lady coming toward me stopped on her green light (backing up traffic) to let me turn left. It's a Southern thing? Not sure about that.

What are the rules? Glad you asked.
Click here for South Carolina rules on a four way stop.
Click here for Georgia rules on a four way stop. Page 38.
Here is Jim Loy's notes on a four way stop. He has some very good insights.
EHow chimes in here.

I think that the problem in this county is that there is no real understanding of why a four way stop should be put in place. Stopping all traffic with a four way would mean logically all the traffic is even from all four directions. This is not the thought process in this county. Stop everyone no matter what is the motto. Stopping the flow of traffic for a subdivision entrance, for example, is nonsense.

Recently the city build an access road connection two county roads within the city limits. It connects heavy traffic from a Super Wal Mart to another county road, and will lighten traffic around major congestion. It has been completed. However, we cannot drive on it because it will cause a traffic dilemma as there is no traffic control at the intersection.The county said that they will not install a traffic light as they did not build the road; stating that the city built the road and they should have factored that into the cost. The Mayor closed the road citing that it was a dangerous intersection. He did suggest a solution: a four way stop. Hooah! Victory! Great thought processes are at work here.

Now I think that this is epic enough of a situation that a real solution be brought to light. A grandiose solution at that! Traffic circle. All of the great cities have them. Atlanta has the greatest traffic circle of them all in the Watermelon 500 (I-285). Paris, Saigon, London have them, and they are all pieces of art.

 Damascus

London

 Paris

 Saigon

 Not sure where this is. Ugly.


So Douglasville Georgia, give it a go. Traffic circles will solve your ills.

gf