Thursday, February 3, 2011

Are You an American Muggle?

 Everyone wants to be special, different, unique, and/or have super-fantastic powers like a comic book hero or Harry Potter. However, I am here to set things straight once again. You most likely are a Muggle; and you have Muggle blood running though your veins. Click here to see the American Red Cross web site on blood types:  The diagram is really cool, and it is interactive, so seriously, click the link already. Type O blood donors are NOT Muggle Blood. More Hispanics are O than any other race according to the American Red Cross. So straight away they are not Muggles.

  We Americans want to be special in a bad way. We do not want to be Muggles because we want to believe that we are important...somehow. So, we try to be special. We put spinner rims on our cars so that we can appear to be special.

And though it does make us special, it makes us special in the wrong kind of way.  We get the newest gadgets and phones as soon as we can. Our family recently got a new gadget to play games. But playing an old game on a new system? That is special.  When people go out to eat they have found a very clever way to make themselves special. The modification of food orders:
    "Yes, I would like the Santa Fe Tilapia with all the toppings on the side please." Special.
    "I want the fried chicken tenders grilled please." Special.
    "I would like the wings no sauce, no season, and with ranch instead of buffalo sauce." Special.
I will defend this type of behavior quickly, because I practice it often. Not to be special, but rather not wanting to die from poison. Muggles eat poison. Click here to read about poison:
Nevertheless, modifying food orders makes us feel special.

  Muggles do not really care what they shove in their mouths, for the most part. They have no palate. Any fast food is the most delicious thing that they have ever experienced. Grease is the saffron in their life. They muddle about not caring what is going into their bodies. Most everyone who eats McDonald's is a Muggle. It has been this way for many years. The clever and all powerful Great Wizards of the North wielded their collective powers, and made cheap and addictive foods for the Muggle born. With skilled alchemy they took corn and made it into an elixir that would control many generations. They called their new element HFCS. Be careful, or you too could be controlled by their wizardry. Click here to read about High Fructose Corn Syrup:

  That is enough about poison and chemicals for the moment. I think we should all focus on what really makes us feel special as individuals. With Valentine's Day approaching those who are single may be feeling fairly un-special. Having a partner in your life helps the situation, for the most part. Your partner's encouragement and love usually helps in the "feel special" department. If you are in a relationship that is more like a train derailment, or are not in a relationship, you are going to have to look inward for that encouragement. I propose that you make a list of ten things that make you feel special and less like a Muggle. I will give you my ten to start the ball rolling.
1. I have good hair. (My hair dresser says so, and she is a professional.)
2. I like my wittiness.
3. I am quite handy, and I can fix things, or break them so that I have to buy new things.
4. I can almost play a banjo. (Almost... for 30 years.)
5. I enjoy being taller than most people.
6. I am glad to be wearing the same size pants as I did when I was in High School.
7. I am a proud father. All my children are geniuses.
8. I am an excellent gardener until something does not grow.
9. Tanning is no problem, as I have good tan genes.
10. I speed read almost everything.
OK, now it is your turn. Seriously, you should give this a go. Write them as a comment on this blog for the world to celebrate them with you.
  Valentine's Day is a day that we celebrate so we will feel special. Personally, I do not think that we should wait for one specific day to let others know how we feel about them. Go ahead and tell them today. It will not kill you. It is a fun day; I do get that. However, I always have to work on this day. That forces me to give that chocolate covered attention to my wife on another day. I am OK with that. It actually takes the pressure off of me on Valentine's Day. You could knock out Valentine's Day on Super Bowl Sunday. I think that we have too many holidays as it is.

  When you do purchase your Valentine a card and a box of chocolates please read the label. Do not feed your sweetheart corn poison from the Great Wizards of the North. However, that would be an excellent way to poison them if love is not in the air.

Thanks for reading,


Alex said...

The Great Wizards of the North sound pretty scary. I wonder how they would do against the Wizards of the Coast. :P

Gregory said...

The Wizards of the Coast have a real scary dragon, However, The Great Wizards of the North would Poison your precious dragon. He would grow weak and die. The Wizards of the Coast would not be able to provide sufficient spells and chants to out do the HFCS invading the poor dragons liver. The dragon would be continuously hungry as the powers of The Great Wizards of the North went into full swing. He would grow overweight, and be unable to fly.