Saturday, February 1, 2014

"Don't Fry Bacon Naked"

Thank you! = $1.00

  Servers know that in the "Server World" there will be days when they make money and days that they will not. They are generally OK with this fact of life. This is the ebb and flow of the universe... The way that the world turns... The Yin and Yang...
Fine; I will stop.
  What is not known is the monetary value of those clever comments that guests write on the tickets and/or receipts. Yes, comments have value. Don't you think so?

  You know the type of comments which I speak of. For example: "Great job!"; "Best service ever!"; "God bless you and your family.".
   I once got a comment when I was server... "We would have left you more, but we gave that money to Jesus today.". I think that comment turned me just a bit. It was a party of ten. Diet Coke; Coke; Orange; Mellow Yellow; Unsweet Tea; Sweet Tea; Coffee with creamer; Sprite; Dr. Pepper, and a Lemonade. I will never forget the drink order. Everyone had six refills. They left me $2.00 on $120. What is that? 1.7% Nice. Now, a comment like that should have a pay-out of about $20.00 according to gf.

   Now let me diverge for a moment...  for those who have no idea how to tip. 

Let us review how to tip according to gf.

 10% = You survived. The server was a brainless troll.
 15% = The server did their job but they reminded you of, well, nothing.
 20% = You thoroughly enjoyed the experience. The server was attentive like a Maremma Sheep dog. What?!
30% = You are an idiot and you need to learn how to save your money... or you are tore-up-drunk.

  There are those of you out there who at this very moment have a confused and blank stare on your face. Let me help...

Your ticket is $15.76 and you are starting to sweat due to the math conundrum that is before you.
10% of $15.76 = move the decimal point to the left one position. You now have 10% or $1.58 if you round up. You might as well call that $1.60. Got that?
 Let's work on 15%. You already know what 10% is, therefore cut that in half and you will have 5% presto. Half of $1.60 = $0.80. Now, add $1.60 and $0.80 to reach your glorious 15%.
(mumble mumble, carry the one, mumble). Correct! $2.40! Now round that to $2.50 and get the hell out of there.

  What is that you ask? 20%? Simple!
Double the original 10% (mumble mumble, carry the one, mumble). Correct! $3.20! Now then, you should feel confident in tipping!

  For those slanderers out there who would set their sights on defaming this math, just remember that it is "gf math". Just like many of the great mathematicians of the past, I take ridicule (daily) for my calculations while knowing that one day I will be spoken of as a genius. One day... a long-long, long-long, long time from now. (Name that movie.)

So then, back to the comments. How will servers get paid for these comments which are scribbled on their checks? Easy-sneezy.

  The Federal Government, even though they are broker than my happy ass, is still trying to figure out who else they can give money to. Currently, the discussion is whether to give money the Veterans, the insurance industry, or to those who tote the free cell phones (the poor and destitute). I recommend none of the above. The working people who pay for everything should get the free money. This is where the comments about service come into play.

  This process will require a Herculean effort by the Feds. Tons of cash will be spent on the legislation and implementation of this idea. And why not? Money is free! Whee!

 There will be a requirement for a massive data base. This effort will employ thousands, and it will also chip away at that nasty unemployment number. I am so excited.

  Remember, this will be executed by the Federal Government, so at the end of the day it will be a huge failure. This is all that we can hope for as we want to burn through these Chinese loans ASAP. Here is the "bare bones" of how the plan will work:

  • An iPhone and an Android App must be made. 
  • The server must document the comment on the check (with the check number clearly printed) by taking a photo and uploading it with the App.
  • The App will automatically send the document to the Federal Web site. The information will include the Server's IP address, participating restaurant, and Social Security number. The Server will willfully give permission to "Big Brother" to use the information however he chooses. Yippee.
  • After being processed, the participating restaurant will be sent an email to validate the check number and the server.
  • Once the comment is validated, the Server will receive payment (based on the comment's value) on their weekly payroll check. (Hey, this is more taxable income for the IRS.)
  • Server performance will increase across the nation. People will be happier, and the murder rate will drop significantly.
The next item at hand is to determine the monetary value of Server compliments. Here is the short list.

  • "Thanks" = $1.00
  • "Great Job" = $1.50
  • "You are a Wonderful Server." =$2.00
  •  "Have a Blessed Day." $0.25
  •  "Managers, (server name) is an Asset to your Company." = $2.50
  •  Best Service in town!" = $2.75
  • "Great service! We will tell all of our friends!" = $3.00
  • "You were awesome! My phone number is xxx-xxxx = $0.05
  Of course there is a dark side to this comment bit. Negative comments scribbled on checks, and, of course, one cent tips. The point is that comments are worth a value wheather they are positive or negative. While dining out, what message are you communicating? Servers who guide you through the meal with ease and are attentive should be told that they are doing a good job... with your money not your clever quips. Some may indeed need some direction from you. Many servers have no clue whatsoever, and they are idiots. However, you should know that the majority are busting their butts to make ends meet. They do not need condescending prima donnas giving them hell just for sheer pleasure and entertainment. 

Here are some comments that readers have submitted on the internet:

 "The look on your face told the truth - You f**ked yourself on this one and earned it."

"You don't always get what you want"

"Don't play in traffic."

"Don't fry bacon naked."

"Don't play leap-frog with a unicorn."

  You were the best readers ever! Thanks for reading this! (= $1.15)



Monday, January 6, 2014

New Year's Violations 2014

 Violation # 1 Resolution Failure
 The problem with resolutions is that they are resolutions.
  The misunderstanding of the concept of New Year's resolutions has a tight grip on our society. It is doubtful wheather we will ever pull free from our own idiocy. Most think of a resolution as a self-promise to correct a flaw in the way which one lives. This is where we fail. To resolve something one must find the answers to many complex problems. You know, be analytical about the issues at hand in their entirety. Our society does not do this. That would be too hard... too much thinking would be involved. Sacrifices may have to be made. Alternative plans may need to be drawn up. Our society is way to lazy for that type of activity, and besides that, there are way too many idiots out there who have no clue whatsoever. Yes, I am referring to those whom we call "Sheeple".

  Americans run around the internet willy-nilly posting resolutions wherever they can find an audience. Listen carefully, According to gf fans, NO ONE REALLY CARES ABOUT YOUR DAMN RESOLUTIONS. That's right! No one cares! 

  What they may care about, or at least be slightly amused by, are your actions and your results. That is it. You can blather on endlessly about what you are going to do, but no one cares.

"Don't tell me what you are going to do; tell me what you have done." gf

Violation # 2 Recapping Failure
  Recapping the last failure-of-a-year-that-one-let-pass is fine, I guess. But it can get depressing if one never follows up on their resolutions. Seriously now, how many of your idiotic resolutions did you accomplish this last year? Recap those! Most never document their resolutions. That is the oldest trick in the book. "Plausible Deniability" is the trick. After about two months one's resolutions become "classified" information. (Independence Day was on TV this week.)
  Some folks recap the year by bringing out the old "who passed on this year" list. Yee Haw. This is what they do at all of the award shows. It is very popular. "Let the dead bury the dead." Most dead are happier than we are I suppose. No more annual taxes. I have seen some disgruntled dead on the Dead Files here recently though. Nasty pissed off dead folks they are. They may have sucked at accomplishing their resolutions when they were alive perhaps.
  If one must recap the year please be positive. Being funny would help as well. Recap everything that went well in the past year... even if it is a short note.

Violation #3 Party Failure
 Partying is very popular when bringing in the new year, however there are a few ways to fail at partying. Let's review them shall we?
 ~ First of all, one must show up. Secondly, being prompt would be spectacular. Thirdly, fashionably late is clever, I suppose, but do not arrive hours late to the event.
 ~  Dress appropriately. No one likes a slob (except Nirvana fans). Be freaking festive once in a while. Shave. Smell good. Break out the clean underwear.
 ~  Do not get wasted. No one likes a drunk. Well, drunks like drunks, so if you are going to a drunk party get drunk.
 ~  Don't eat all the freaking food. It is a party not a Golden Corral Buffet. Show some restraint from your normal American-gluttonous-habits.
 ~  Always wear a decorative hat to a New Year's Eve party. Never go hatless.

Violation #4 Eating Two-Week-Old-Leftovers
  Personally, I love leftovers. However, after they are about two weeks old, my strong recommendation is to throw them out. Make that one week old... Okay, just go ahead and change that to a three day maximum. 3 Days. Period.
  Late-night partiers often violate this policy FYI.

Violation #5 Making Faces in Photos and/or Photo-Bombing
  My family is the leader in this violation.

  Is it really that hard to take a good picture? Yes it is.

Violation #6 Leaving Christmas Lights on the House after New Years Day.
  There are some of you out there in internet-land who are habitual violators. Please stop. Currently on our street there are six violators. I am going to start passing out tickets. I have contemplated what the ticket should say but I am open for suggestions.
  "Your home is in violation of the Annoying Christmas Act (ACA). Specifically section 12-31a has been documented. If you do not remove your lights by the second day of the New Year you will be considered as an "extreme violator". Your punishment will be bad Karma... up to and including the fleas of a thousand camels infesting  your armpits. Happy New Year. Sincerely the ACA neighborhood committee."

Violation #7 Learning Nothing from the Previous Year
  2013 was far from stellar for my family and me. Instead of dragging the world though my personal hallucinogenic-nightmare-of-a-year I have decided to learn from what the year gave me. This is what I have... so far, and in no specific order:
  ~ Learn to listen.
  ~ Learn to say no.
  ~ Remember.
  ~ Use less.
  ~ Expect more.
  ~ Simpler is better.
  ~ Less is more.
  ~ Love more.
  ~ Don't become a dog.

I will be happy to expound on these upon request.
Happy New Year and thanks for reading,

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Randy's Rib Shack ~ Waldo FL

  I have never done this before, but I think it is necessary that I post a consumer advisory before I write this blog post. Yes, the type that one would find at the bottom of a menu warning diners about undercooked beef and shellfish. This is similar.

CONSUMER ADVISORY: This restaurant may not serve the type of food you were looking to consume. The name of the restaurant does not match its cuisine.

 If you take the time to drive on a highway other than a Interstate Highway you will find barbecue huts. Well, one would at least hope to find a barbecue hut. Especially if it is lunch time. Highway 301 is a normal, old, four-lane highway that evidently used to be "the road". It is an odd road accompanied by railroad tracts and abandoned motels.  Plenty of farms, fruit stands, old souvenir shacks, mobile homes, and businesses can be seen while driving this American thoroughfare. I must also add that a high percentage of the businesses along this route are using a building that was originally designed for some other purpose. It is an odd collection of re-purposed buildings. Go ahead and think of any type of business; there is a good chance of that type of business occupying an old gas station on route 301.

  Driving through Waldo Florida (no, not that Waldo... Well, it possibly could be, but I could not find him) I spotted what I thought was a barbecue hut. Little did I know how wrong I was. As I pulled in, I gazed in awe at an enormous trailer with a clever mural on the side. Two giant home-made smokers that were inside said trailer were gently wisping out white smoke. I was encouraged. Upon seeing the commercial portable smoker at the back of the shack I was even more encouraged. I should have savored that moment longer.

 After waiting at the counter, clearing my throat, calling out "hello", and watching two employees walk in and out from the back, I was finally greeted. During this wait I was able to watch a Golden Corral advertisement about a chocolate fountain, which made my mind go to another place... maybe we can visit that place together at another time... When the normal programming came back on, the show was about forensics. There was a "dead body farm" that the investigators were being walked through. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Click here to check that out. I got to view several bodies in different phases of decomposition. That was very interesting right before lunch.

 Besides watching TV while waiting, I had enough time to review the menu. I did so in amazement. Randy's Rib Shack has ribs on this colossal menu twice. They have a rib dinner and a rib dinner for two. That is it. [insert a significant pause for full effect] However, for a rib shack they have a titanic amount of seafood on the menu. They have Shrimp; Tilapia; Salmon; Oysters; Snow Crab Legs; Grouper; Frog Legs; New Zealand Green Lip Mussles; Scallops; Catfish; Pollock; Mahi Mahi; Clam Strips; Jumbo Shrimp; Crawfish; and Gator Tail. The Swordfish decorative tin above the door should have tipped me off. But wait, they did not have Swordfish.

  Randy's menu is a train wreck. On top of this Mount Pisgah of seafood there is 15 appetizers,18 sandwiches, and 20 dinners. Also, smack-dab in the middle of this menu is the statement "WINGS, OUR BEST SELLER". My head is still swimming.

  I was lucky to have so much time to peruse the menu. Maybe this is why they did not bother to greet me immediately.   I ordered a chopped barbecue  sandwich with Cole slaw and potato salad. The order-taker asked me which of four sauces I wanted to go with my meal. I picked the spicy mustard. They had spicy mustard, regular mustard, spicy tomato and regular tomato sauces. The sauce tasting ended up being the highlight of my meal.

  I had a choice of Texas Toast or a bun for the sandwich. I asked the attendant which one she recommended. Her suggestion of the bun sounded genuine so I went with it. The bun looked great but it was just too much for the sandwich. The bun overtook the unimpressive five ounces of meagerly-smoked chopped pork.

  The Cole slaw was straight off the truck. It was more like a Cole slaw soup. The potato salad was edible, but I suspect it too came pre-made and was delivered on the same truck. I was disappointed.

  So let me sort this rib shack out. It is not a rib shack. It is not a barbecue joint. It looks like one, but it is not. A rib shack would have rib baskets, half slabs of ribs, full slabs of ribs, rib tips, pork ribs, beef ribs, rib salad, rib stew, rib sandwiches, rib wraps, rib beans, steak and ribs, chicken and ribs, and maybe even a rib Quesadilla. A barbecue joint does not need twenty types of frozen fish. It does not need to have 15 appetizers nor 18 random sandwiches. It just requires great barbecue. What I truly do not comprehend is why a quaint shack would  not make their own sides. Randy's has an opportunity to be unique, but instead they choose to be the same. Trying to please everyone out of a shack is... well...  idiotic. Oh, and rib shacks do not have Pastrami sandwiches according to gf.

  The attendant mentioned that they had been there for five months. She also offered up that they were slow because they were in a bad location. She could not have been any farther from the truth about why they were slow. This is a perfect place for a barbecue shack. It was by the railroad tracks and almost under an overpass. What more could one ask for? More signs, that is what one could ask for. I recommend posting little signs along the road every so often upon approaching the shack... just like the old Burma Shave signs...that would do the trick. Click here if you do not know what Burma Shave is. 

Slow Down

Not So Fast

Barbecue is Here

Lunch At last!!!

Randy's Rib Shack

One could also ask for an attentive staff. If an attentive staff is too much to ask for then maybe a bell at the counter like at Empty Arms Hotel. I always got a chuckle when Roy Clark would jump up from behind the Empty Arms Hotel counter. If you were born after 1990 go buy the box set of Hee Haw. The show was fashioned after Rowen and Martin's Laugh-In. ...Nothing? Right.
 It was a slap-stick comedy show during the 60's and 70's. Google it when you run out of other things to Google.

  On a positive note the murals on the walls in the "dining area" were pretty cool
as were the Cypress counter tops.

  Randy's Rib Shack needs to figure out what they are going to be. What they are is very curious, very bland, and very slow.

  86 the TV.

Thanks for reading,

Randy's Rib Sahck on Urbanspoon}

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Kentucky Fried Politics

   Our society has forgotten the rules. Rules like "Thou shall not bear false witness" (don't lie) and "Thou shall not steal" are the two that come to mind lately. Humanity has had these rules in play for eons, and has had them for good reasons. Not holding our leaders and ourselves accountable to rules is why I think America and the world has gone completely into the shitter. There really is no other logical explanation for our plight. 

  The idiotic crap that has been beamed over the brain-washing-machine (TV) has helped suck our society into a vortex of ignorance. KFC currently has the worst advertisement on TV in recent history according to gf. 

  The scene is as follows: Two are cops in a patrol car. The young gullible noob cop is lied to and tricked by the senior cop. The senior cop then proceeds to steal the noob cop's KFC. Whatever happened to cops eating doughnuts?

  Let us review what this teaches the myriads of mindless sheeple who watch TV to gain their daily dose of information.
1.  It is OK for police to lie.
2.  It is OK for police to steal.
3.  It is OK for people of authority to prey on the innocent and weak minded.
4.  It is OK for people of authority to take from citizens and or other government workers for personal gain.
5.  It is OK to put others in harms way for personal gain.
6.  It is OK to steal and manipulate others while on the government's clock.
7.  If personal gain is at stake one is to pay no attention to the job at hand (protecting the innocent).
8.  Never question authority. They are trustworthy.
9.  Thinking is a nonessential activity.
10. Always assume that others have your best interests in mind.

  When I was a kid I too watched TV (we had two channels). Watching Captain Kangaroo trying to keep Bunny Rabbit in line was entertaining. Bunny Rabbit would do anything for carrots. The Captain would go to great lengths to manage Bunny Rabbit and would often get exasperated, rained on with ping-pong balls, and confused as he dealt with other obstacles while keeping Bunny in line. At the end of the day I knew that Bunny was tricking the Captain and that it was wrong. I also knew it was hard work keeping honest and dishonest people honest. Unfortunately, with this crap commercial from the Pepsi Company/KFC there is no "moral to the story" moment like there was when I watched the Captain Kangaroo Show.

  When one starts to peel the onion of deception in America the lies go all the way to the core. The current administration has reached new heights in subterfuge. The lies about IRS; Benghazi; NSA; The (un)Affordable Care Act are no doubt the tip of the iceberg in this administration.

Here is a video that shows our great leader in action.

  Our great and powerful OzBama being caught in a lie is disturbing. However, even more disturbing are the hidden lies that impact the common man every day. Specifically, food production has to be the biggest lie in my generation. When I was young words like "fortified" were used to promote man-made products. "Fortified" sounds strong and safe. "Homogenized" came around and also sounded like a safe friend. I am not so sure about that anymore. There are myriads and myriads of food products that are poisoned or "fortified" with man-made processes. People wonder why they are sick. The saying "You are what you eat" was chimed often by my elders while I was growing up. Obviously, no one paid attention to that saying. If big corporations can make something cheaper and make more profit from the sale of it, that is the business plan. Advertisements always speak of the benefits the users will receive if the companies products are purchased. Lies. All of it. Well, that may not be completely true. A great lie has just enough truth in it to be believable.

McDonald's: There is no doubt in my mind that McDonald's has to be the big-business-leader-of-lies. Once upon a time (in Camelot) this advertisement may have been true, but I doubt it.

Febreze: I just happened to read the ingredient list on a bottle of Febreze that was in my kitchen today. The ingredient list starts as follows:  "odor eliminator", water, fragrance, non-flammable natural propellant, quality control ingredients. First of all, how is it that they can use the word "ingredient" in the list of ingredients? Second of all, what do we know now after reading this list that we did not know already? Third of all, would some scientist please tell me what the hell I am spraying all over my house to cover the idiot-dog smell?! Logic has left us completely. Febreze advertisements show common sheeple siting blindfolded in a fish market or some other crap-hole oblivious to the stench. How is this possible?  WE DON'T KNOW!! Excellent job by big brother protecting the innocent. It is high time the innocent protect the innocent.

  This is another classic example of big business lying.

Which brings me to my next group of liars...
Doctors / Pharmaceutical Companies / Insurance Companies
  It is becoming quite clear to gf that the business of doctoring folks is not about curing or healing as much as it is about making money. The next time you see a commercial on TV or read an add in print about pharmaceutical drugs take extra notice of the communication about the side-effects. They are as long or longer than the add itself. If one truly is paying attention to these side-effects, one would never ingest the product. Pharmaceutical drugs are not about curing illness but rather masking the illness. Have you ever seen one of those legal adds on TV about a drug gone bad? "If you have ever taken the drug ('blah blah') you may be able to collect compensation". Does the public ever stand back and really hear this? What if you heard " If you have ever eaten thirty green apples during a month you may be eligible for compensation."? Yea, that makes no sense. If one ate twenty green apples at a time one would possibly be on the crapper for a hot minute. However, if one ingested twenty pills of any drug one would be dead... most likely.
  These companies are about making money on sick people. They do not have any desire or interest about healing or curing; that would lower their profits. Drugs are poison. Toxins. Unnatural. Mankind has survived for eons without them. I am not suggesting that there are not instances where they are helpful, but they still are toxins to our system. Alcohol is helpful at times, but it is still a toxin. I say "Practice" your medicine on someone else. I want no part of being a test monkey. 
  Insurance companies are getting rich off of the whole bit. "You will get sick" they seem to say... Why would I get sick? Well, if I eat enough crap non-food and pop enough pills, sit on my butt long enough, stress out all day every day, and sleep less I should be good and sick in no time. Why has living healthy become an emergency? We need health insurance to secure our health? I would be ok with bone insurance, cut insurance, sprain insurance, bacteria insurance, or even viral insurance. What a racket. I just cannot wait for the government to get into the insurance game.
 So let's review the cycle of life in America. The government approves GMO's and the use of pesticides to "improve" and increase food production (profits). Because this poisoned food makes us sick, the pharmaceutical companies get their toxins approved with great prestidigitation by the FDA. They do this to mask the symptoms and increase the amount of toxins in order to keep our bodies sick. This helps the doctors and pharmaceutical companies busy. Prescribing boat loads of toxic and unnecessary drugs keeps the cash flow at acceptable levels for both parties. "To help the public out" the insurance companies come to the rescue. Lies. They are there to help themselves out. Now the Great OzBama wants a piece of the action. Yes, government is big business...real big. The only missing element to make the circle of life complete is death. 
  "It's the year 2022...People are still the same. They'll do anything to get what they need. And they need Soylent Green." Click here if you have no idea what Soylent Green is.

Ingredients: Sarcasm, random information, humor, pictures, poor grammar, misspelling, comma splices, clever links, stolen pictures, slang, swearing, "odd" political opinions, awkward sentence structure, clever colloquialisms, red 40, yellow 5, yellow 6, blue 1, artificial flavors.

Thanks for reading,