Why Dogs are Idiots

  Let me preface this blog by saying that there actually are smart dogs amongst us. They are few and far between, but they do exist. These are the elite dogs. They are the dogs that may very well graduate summa cum laude, and may be on the verge of being promoted.

  Promoted to what you ask? Who cares! Any dog promotion is better than being a normal idiot dog. Maybe they will be promoted to a human. However, these promoted dogs will probably struggle with fractions and assessment tests after being promoted.

  I am convinced that dogs are a result of regeneration or reincarnation gone bad. Yes, it all makes sense to me now, since I have been living with two visiting dogs for more than a month. These two dogs are idiots. I will refer to them as "MJ" and "DK". MJ is the bigger idiot of the two as well as the younger. DK is calmer, but an idiot nonetheless. While watching the pure and unblemished stupidity of these dogs I have come to the realization that their existence must be a punishment or just plain Karma. I understand that the conservative religious sector of society will call my thoughts heretical, but they would do well to hear my gf logic.

  This line of thinking has made me look inwards at my own failures and idiotic behaviors during my life. High School alone may send me to a dog existence. I am going to be very careful moving forward so as to limit my idiotic instances.

  It makes perfect sense that the creator of life would provide the dog world as a retraining ground for humans. If you are an unadulterated bonafide idiot your entire life you will be become a dog. It is simple as that. An idiot does not need to be a human anymore. Humans were designed to live on a higher plane than that of a regular idiot. Maybe if you fail at being a dog you will become something else. MJ is well on her way to becoming a Jack Ass in her next life. The only way she will prevent this inevitable event is to pull a "Lassie" moment out of her butt.

http://www.jokeroo.com/pictures/animal/yoga-dog.html

 DK will remain a dog. She is sneaky and conniving and takes great pleasure in getting MJ in trouble. She will have plenty of company on her next go around though. I predict a great dog boom in the next several generations of dog life. It is mind boggling how many more dogs are being created by humans every year. For example, I would estimate that seventy-five percent of our great leaders in Washington are headed for a dog's life.

  Why else would be dogs be so kiss-ass? Man's best friend... yea, I know why. Trying to get out of dog world they are. Cats are not like this, neither are parakeets, and fish could give a crap about humans. It is only the canine who is interested in being "part of the family". Do not be lulled into this web of deceit. Cats are perfectly fine being cats. They actually relish being a cat. A cat has no desire in the world to be anything different than a cat. It is as if they have finally arrived in THE perfect world... Cat world. Cat world is full of naps, special food, and licking. Who would want more?

  What happens to dogs who fail at dog world...MJ? It is a frightening thought indeed. I suggested a rat world to the family, but that idea was rejected. "Rats are way too smart and resilient." Then I guess that puts the Cockroach out of the running as well... Squirrels have way to much fun... uh, let's just go with a toad. Karma can go downhill fast from a toad. If you fail as a toad you may end up as a snail. Insects have to be at the end of the road. This is why ants and bees bust ass to get things done. It really must suck being an ant. Bees work hard to just be ripped off. That sucks. Worms, yes the worm world is the end of the line.

 Some idiot folk may just skip the dog world.
 "Hey what ever happened to that creepy lady who got Obama Care to "work"?"
       "Oh, I heard that she is now one of those deep sea fish who glow green and have ugly teeth."

 Look around yourself this week and try to figure out which of the people that you come in contact with are going to become dogs. Then, just for fun, try to figure out what kind of dog they will become.

Why then are dogs idiots? Well, because they are and always have been idiots. They have worked real hard for a very long time at being idiots.  Let's hope that they can focus and not become a toad.

Reincarnation is an interesting thought isn't it? I've been thinking a lot about dogs lately.

Thanks for reading,
gf

How to Win a War

  There has been a lot of chatter about "war" these days. Oh, how I wish the news agencies would change their verbiage. America has not been in a war for nearly seventy years. We have been in some good fights, but nations who go to war historically go in the name of conquest. America usually goes for a good fight. 

 Yes, a good fair fight is what we are looking for. No cheating is allowed. No Nuclear War, no Chemical War, no Alien War, and certainly no Unpopular War is allowed. What is Unpopular war you ask?  Well, nowadays war has to be approved by all of the other spectators to make sure that it is OK, and that the circumstances are just dandy to pick a fight. This is ridiculous.  America really cannot figure out conquest. We fight fairly well, but the whole winning/conquering concept has us bewildered. In this simple and humble blog post, I hope to school America, and anyone else who is interested, on how to win a war.

  The problem with America is that we want to be popular. We watch too many movies. I am speaking specifically of "Western" movies: the ever popular genre populated by "good guys" in the white hats who punish the "bad guys" in the black hats while inflicting few or no fatal wounds. Imagine a scene where ten thousand rounds of ammo are fired and one bad guy gets a nick on his ear... and then surrenders.

http://classicwarmovies.com/green.html

http://www.moviepostershop.com/john-wayne-movie-poster-1971

   According to gf, Westerns have hurt Americas ability to conquer.

  If one wanted to reference a movie for warfare, here are a few suggestions:

Braveheart

300

  Do you see how cool John Wayne looks? This is not the look of warfare. The warfare look is a wild-eyed, crazed, focused-purposeful look. Take a look at John Wayne, and then take a look at Mel Gibson. See that? Good, you need to hold on to that for a moment or two. Likewise, the movie Star Wars has also hurt warfare. Lightsabers, The Force, Ewoks, and Yoda have messed up a good many war strategists.

  Winning a war takes being brutal as well as clever. The Babylonians had war and conquest figured out. When they CONQUERED a country they would remove the men from their homeland (current data suggests twenty-five percent or more men). They would then move in and infest the conquered with their DNA and culture. This was pure genius. Their only problem was that they had a leader gone crazy (this often happens), and they pretty much ticked off God (like the Germans did in the movie "Raiders of the Lost Ark")... Anyway, even with all of their issues, the Babylonians have inspired my war thinking.

It would be an excellent idea for all the world leaders to play several games of Risk. If you are not familiar with Risk it is a war strategy board game. If you do not have it you need to purchase it asap. 

 
Only then would they realize that no one should ever mess with Australia. Every good Risk player knows the strategy of amassing forces in Australia to take over the islands, then China, then Russia, and then the rest of the world. Watch out for those Aussies. 
  Also, a "limited strike" or some such other "Vietnam" bull crap strategy is idiotic and a futile waste of life and energy and a great way to lose at Risk... and at war.

  • important caveat • Winning a war is now impossible because of nuclear warheads. 

  However, let us forge on and figure out how gf would win a war. (You know down deep that this is going to be good.)

  Firstly, one has to figure out who the current undesirables are. (For Hitler, this was the Jews and anyone else who just ticked him off.) Slaughtering undesirables is just ridiculous. I am no way suggesting anything of the sort. Every gf undesirable has a chance for redemption and a new start.

 I have a much better list of undesirables than the Nazis', besides that, the gf undesirable list is much more logical. These trouble makers are very important, as they play a huge roll in conquest. Let me reiterate that the number one rule in war is to conquer. 

  

 Here are the gf undesirables:

 • Murderers in jail

 • Habitual thieves in jail

 • Rapists in jail

 • Extreme couponers (trust me)

 • Individuals who get excited with all you can eat deals. (This is important)

 • Illegal Aliens

  With this list the main objective is to create a win/win situation. For example: Murderers want to murder. This can work to our advantage. We should let them murder... the enemy. Simple. 

  Secondly, one needs to figure out what each specific undesirables task should be. Now, some brief parachute training is job number one. Yes, you guessed it. Instead of taking men out of a country, the plan is to put men into a country... Ninja-like.

  The murderers would get a fifteen minute video and a consent form. If they were to survive the jump from the C-17 they would be all good. They would be free to do what they want to do to the enemy. Maybe there would be a knife or even a gun hidden in the survival gear. America could eliminate the national debt in a blink of an eye with this plan. Emptying the jails of the 15,000 convicted murderers in the US would be a nice start. That would be round about $420,000,000 per year off the books just for the murderers! Now if we cleared out all of the 1.6 million inmates in the U.S. that would be about 3.5 billion or so... according to gfmath. (One may want to validate those numbers.) Once all of the gf undesirables are out of the jails, everyone else in the jails will want to know how they did it. We can make freedom happen for them as well. Now remember that one may not want to go to the country we conquer for at least one hundred years. Yes, just like Australia. Anyway, it will be a hundred years before the roads are paved and the Wal-Marts, McDonald's, and Bass Pro Shops are built.

  Next are the thieves. This is when it starts getting fun. The thieves would get a half an hour video and one practice jump. If America were to drop-ship all of the thieves into the enemy's back yard all hell would break loose. Barbecue grills; rims (especially those spinney type); car radios; iPhones; costume jewelry; high dollar sneakers; and Ray Ban sunglasses would all disappear. This would enrage and confuse the enemy.

  Dropping off the rapists is a bit brutal. I realize this. Maybe some of the murderers will be useful here. At least we will not have to house and feed them anymore. Think of all of the notes that the enemy would get from the gals back home. Oh yeah, they would get plenty upset... and distracted.

  The illegal aliens in America have become a hot topic among our great leaders. The incarcerated illegal aliens clogging our jails would be given US citizenship by signing a form, taking the two hour survival course, and performing five practice jumps. They also would be taken to boot camp and complete a "special training force" program, and given a badge with a skull and let us just say a... Lightning bolt. Yes, that sounds good. After being deployed, they would be the first boots on the ground. That is, of course, the first "professional" boots on the ground, after the murderers, thieves, and the rapists put their boots on the ground (well, technically, they are professionals also).

  The illegal aliens will get distracted. They may not fight very well, but they will learn the language quickly and start taking jobs from the legals. Any social programs would also be taken advantage of by the aliens. They will not fight; they will not need to fight for them to be effective for the conquest.

  How do we get the extreme-couponers and the all-you-can-eaters over there? Well, they will be the last strike. Once the murderers, thieves, rapists, and illegal aliens are done and calmer than they were on their arrival, only then will it be safe for the last strike. The last strike will strip the enemy of the will to live. They will not care anymore. This is when the American flags can be hoisted up to the top of the buildings. We will celebrate by bringing the extra giant flags over that are usually flown at the gas stations with the crappy water-gas for sale.

  Now then, we need to conquer someone with some value. We do not need some broke-ass country full of rocks and sticks. We need to conquer a rich, oil-producing country with trees, and the good cushy kind of grass. Wait, we did... Nope, scratch that, we were just fighting.

Thanks for reading,

gf

The Hypocrisy of Sweet Tea on Sunday

Watching "Christians" dining out, while they are at your favorite restaurant on a Sunday, can be a lesson in hypocrisy according to gf.

While growing up in a conservative environment, I was immersed in the knowledge of good and evil. Evil included working on Sundays. I was always taught that one should follow the Ten Commandments. The fourth commandment, in The Book of Exodus chapter 20, is the commandment about the Sabbath. Check it out.

  "8 Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. 9 Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, 10 but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. 11 For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. " 

Taking the day off when the Creator took a day off is the fourth most important rule in this universe.
I need to think about that for a hot minute... 

   Anyway... Evidently The Sabbath was "leftover day" as no one cooked. The servants were at the lake.

  Now, there is the question of which day is the Seventh day. Currently Saturday is the seventh day. Most go to church on Sunday which is the first day. FYI the people who go to church on Saturday are made fun of by the Sunday-church-goers because they miss all of the good college football games.
  The Seventh Day Adventist obviously know how to read a calendar. But wait, who made the calendar? The Vikings did. Yes... Vikings.. well, The Vikings and The Mayans did. And we all now know how accurate the Mayan calendar turned out to be. Great job on the end of the world date fail by the way.

  Moses was a Jew, so maybe we should just stick with their calendar. Hey, it is their law anyway. Maybe the Ten Commandments only apply to Jews! Whee!!

  Sunday worshipers have made their own commandments. Let's see if the" Mighty gf" (hey, say that with some enthusiasm like "The Mighty and Powerful Oz".) can recall them all.

  1. Thou shalt have no other denominations before thee (Your current denomination is the only one that will save you from hell fire.).

  2. Thou shalt make into thee a giant graven image, which ye shall call a place of worship. (Make sure it has a recreation center with a full-sized basketball court. At least have lots of idols and candles if you cannot afford a basketball court. If one cannot afford the aforementioned adornments, at least have a band with an electric guitar and a drum set.)

  3. Thou are only allowed to take the name of The Lord your God in vain at sporting events and only when you are really, really, really mad.

  4. Remember the Sabbath day to go out to eat after worship. Six days you will labor and do all of your work, but on the seventh day (or the first, if you must insist) you shall eat out and make sure that all of your servants work for small tips. Oh, and be extra haughty and hateful as a new week is upon you. (Be sure to witness to them (...spreading your message to the ends of the earth...) and let the servants know that they should not be working, but rather remembering the Sabbath with you. Leave the servants a bible tract to read, because bible tract literature is such a terribly efficient communication vehicle.

  5.  Dishonor your Father and Mother by not paying attention to the messages in church and "playing church"...that your days may be long in the land... 

  6.  Thou shall not murder, unless you have plausible deniability and a great lawyer. 

  7.  Thou shall not commit adultery. (This is just a suggestion.)
  8.  Thou shall not steal. But, that does not mean you have to give, and it excludes restaurant small wares such as salt shakers, ramekins, and steak knives.
  9.  Thou shalt not bear false witness. (This is an archaic rule and one to be ignored completely. Hey, everyone lies.)
  10.  Thou shalt not covet. However "keeping up with the Jones'" is completely fine.
  11. Thou shalt run thy servant often for extra Diet Cokes, Orange Soda, sour cream, and extra napkins.
  12. Thou shall not read the fine print on any coupon.
  13. Thou shalt threaten the server with a complaint and small tips when things are not perfect.
  14. Thou shalt order more calories (enough to sustain two humans for three days) by ordering giant combo platters with extra sides and condiments.
  15. Thou shalt be hateful and condescending after your weekly worship service.

  I realize that my cynicism has become legend, but I come by it honestly. It is utterly ridiculous when one starts to add up all of the hypocrisy created by all of the "believers" in history. I will not bore you with recanting all of the treacheries of mortals in the name of The God or a god. Pick up a history book, or better yet, look at a newspaper to see this hypocrisy for yourself.
  It is not because I do not believe in God why I think this way. Believing in God is not hard for me. When I look at nature's complexity and diversity, the answer of  "Is there a God" is a nobrainer. Oh, sure, right... we crawled out of a mud pool... I forgot. Whatever. Maybe you crawled out of a mud pool, but I did not. The Chicken came before the egg according to gf.

  What does make my head swim is how so many people can screw something up like "This is My command: Love one another as I have loved you." so horribly. The quickness in which the "Word of the Lord" escapes Sunday worshiper's brains (if indeed it ever reached that far) is record breaking. One just needs to watch them eat at a restaurant after they go to church. If I were a  preacher and I wanted to make a positive impact on the local community, I would preach the fourth commandment every other week.
 This commandment has been trashed. It seems to me that it is a very straightforward commandment. 1,2,3,4,5,6, rest. Got it. Easy. Who lost count? Jackass theologians is my best guess. Great job. Let's see now, how can we expect for any of the hard commandments to be followed correctly if the easiest one stumps mankind. No wonder there is so much adultery, killing, coveting, stealing and bearing of false witness going on these days.

  So let's get back on track here. Moving forward... go to church on Saturdays. Listen to the preacher talk about love and let that concept sink in for a minute or two. Go home after church and eat leftovers. Yes, the restaurant industry will lose money, but the servants will love you.


  Thanks for reading,
gf

Bucky's Bar-BQ ~ Greenville S.C.

When a good friend tells you to eat at a barbecue joint because it is the best he has ever eaten, you need to listen. Then, you need to get going, and go eat at said joint. So, that is exactly what I did.

  Having grown up in South Carolina, I was curious to see how the barbecue home turf was holding up. As "The gf Commander" and I arrived at Bucky's Bar-BQ's Roper Mountain Road location, we found that it was slightly frumpy. This is a good thing, because had we found a fancy-pants barbecue joint we would have probably left. Once inside, we walked past plain chairs and the semi-plain tables which have Bucky's memorabilia laminated to them, and arrived at the short counter in the back corner. I was a bit confused until I found the "order" sign. I have to say, the set up has me still scratching my head, but it did work somehow. The counter man had a whole Boston Butt on a chopping board. As soon as we placed our order he proceeded to whack away and fill the plates with the carefully chopped pork. That was the magical moment in time. Hang on to that moment as it explains much.

  My Sassy Chef associate, who was traveling with me (the aforementioned "gf Commander") ordered a pork plate with green beans and cucumber salad (This was a gluten free lunch FYI). She reported that the cucumber salad was ok, but the green beans needed some much needed help. She suggested putting them back into the can whence they came, and start over with some fresh green beans. I know, ouch already! She also reported that the chopped barbecue was some of the best she has ever had. Unbelievable, that now makes two "best I ever had" comments. She did not use any sauce and said that the meat had a mild smoked flavor which was not overpowering.

  I ordered a combo plate which had the chopped pork and smoked chicken with sides of Cole slaw and sweet potatoes (souffle). The chopped barbecue was as the Sassy Chef had reported . I am not sure if it is the best I have ever had, but it is definitely in the top ten. Now then, the chicken was on point. It was very tender and seasoned well. The cook brought me a sampling of the ribs (cut up spare ribs) so that I could get the whole experience. My undying charm undoubtedly persuaded his conscience to do so. They were fall off the bone and tender, albeit a bit lacking with rub/seasoning. The moisture in Bucky's meats makes the difference. Nothing is worse than dried out barbecue; every bite was tender and moist.

  Sides... what are we to do with these sides? If I were a betting man, I would put $100 down in Vegas on that the sides are not fresh-made in house. The sides need an overhaul. The Cole slaw was drab, and the sweet potatoes were not as good as "the gf Commander's".

 Is Bucky's being penny foolish with the sides? According to gf... yes indeed.

However, the fixing of this side debacle should be fairly painless. My suggestion is to have a contest. Yes, hold a contest for the locals to bring their "A game". Certainly someone in Greenville SC can whip up some green beans and Cole slaw.

This is one of three "big ass" cookers we were able to see.

Tomorrow's lunch.

Secret brisket for a special gathering.

New school BBQ.

Old school BBQ ready to go for a night class. There is a  $60 a head charge for a BBQ class that the owner puts together.

Spices for the class.

  Hickory wood is always a sight for sore eyes. 

  I almost forgot to mention the barbecue sauces! Holy crap! The mustard base was too thick and too sweet for me. Mustard sauce needs to be runny and spicy according to gf. The tomato base was the best sauce they had. It was a good blend of sweet and hot. The vinager base is what I ended up eating the most of. It was good stuff. Hey, I like hot what can I say?

  Bucky's Bar-BQ has it going on. Are they the best that gf has ever had? Well, fix the sides and they are in the top five. Hey, they could even bust out some peach cobbler and vanilla ice cream if they wanted to impress me.

  "Barbecue is a package deal. One cannot just do one part great." gf

  This was a good lunch served by a great staff who had a heaping helping of care. Overall, I understand why my friend Merle said this was the best barbecue that he has ever had. 

Thanks for reading,

gf