Sunday, May 1, 2011

America's Holiday Hell

  America obsesses about holidays and, more importantly, sugar. A never-ending cycle of holidays and celebrations derails the best efforts at a healthy lifestyle. Why do we have so many celebrations? I am not sure about that; however, let me explain exactly how ridiculous the situation is.

Here is the annual drill:
  January starts off each calendar year with a bang and an obnoxious volume of consumed alcohol. Click here to view an article about SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) and its relationship to alcohol abuse on New Years Day.
  February gets the sugar flowing with Valentine's Day. Giving extra chocolates and candies can keep your loved ones nice and plump. Right out of the gate we overload on sugar and over-eat just for good measure. Valentine's Day also sets the overall tone of the holidays by setting the "candy standard". The "candy standard" is the unspoken rule that, whenever possible, every holiday must provide a memorable candy to be consumed.
  March offers another holiday for over-drinking. This holiday reduces the pain and suffering of Valentine's Day. Even though it may not be in the budget, drinking green beer cleanses the soul and reminds us that somehow we are Irish. Note that every other month provides a drinking repose from candy consumption.

  April offers chocolate, sugar, and diverse poisons like Peeps, and Cadbury Eggs which have a peculiar goo inside them (the second ingredient is HFCS) for a super-sugared Easter festival. Ham seems to be the preferred meat for the sit down dinner in The Deep South, but more about that later. Bunnies and eggs symbolize reproduction and rebirth. Click here to learn about egg-rolling and half a dozen other egg related traditions.
  May is a triple-treat month with Cinco de Mayo (booze), Mother's Day (overeating), and Memorial Day (hot dogs, and beer). This is the month when all diets, living-well goals, and associated data vanish from memory.

  June is my personal favorite because of Father's Day. Grilled steaks and beer make it a savory-celebratory month. Technically, if the only foods consumed are steaks and lo-carb beer, this month is salvageable.

  July offers more crap to eat like hot dogs (the red-nasty-processed type) and hamburgers (preferably frozen, high-fat, low-meat, high-preservative type) with all of the trimmings. The luckier diners are feasting on BBQ ribs, Cole Slaw, and baked beans while celebrating independence from England. A personal favorite is red/white/and blue cake made with fresh Strawberries and Blueberries.
  August is the sacred month without drink or candy. This will be a short-lived victory as will soon be seen.

  September offers the same holiday swill for Labor Day as July offers for Independence Day. Hot dogs, beer, and general sloth are the marching orders for Labor Day.

  October thirty-first is allegedly the Devil's Day. Candy falls from the sky into the bags of unsuspecting youngsters. Let them eat! After all, the children look so gaunt these days.

  November is an over-eaters paradise. The amount of gluttonous celebrating on Thanksgiving Day is alarming.

  In December most have given up on any diet plans. "I will wait until after the holidays." is the American weight losers mantra. By the way, Ham is on the menu again on Christmas Day. I will now digress about ham. Americans eating ham as an Easter dinner does not make sense. After all, Jesus was a Jew. Eighty-Six any further eating of ham on Easter and Christmas. Speaking of hams, check this out:

That is Famous Fat Dave...
  Lamb may be a more appropriate Easter and Christmas holiday dish than ham.

 Thank goodness for August for being the holiday-free month! Wait, I forgot to mention birthdays. The American household had 2.6 members in 2009. Round that up to 3.  That is three birthdays plus three more for cousins, aunts, uncles, and such, equaling six more personal "holidays". Do not forget to remember "bank holidays" (Federal Holidays)! Add MLK Jr.Day, Washington's birthday, Columbus Day, and Veteran's Day to the list. Then of course one must observe any state holidays. The great state of Georgia contributes to the ever expanding list by giving us Robert E. Lee's birthday, and Confederate Memorial Day. Totaling them up there is a total of twenty five holidays each year. That is 2.1 holidays per month. Wait, add in personal vacations!

  Just call it 2.5 holidays per month, or 30 holidays per year. That pretty much makes up for August not having any holidays.

  America is in Holiday Hell. We need a holiday from holidays.

Thanks for reading,


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