Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Hooters Douglasville Georgia

Hooters what is wrong with them? Plenty. This place drives me crazy. Frightfully slow at lunch, I sat there and wondered why. I had a thin tanned waitress wearing the annoying crinkled socks, and the mini orange shorts, with the obligatory tanned hose. She sported her Hooters top that came just past her two owls showing her tanning-bed-flat belly. As an all American home grown male, this would not to seem to be a problem. Just hang on, it will unravel very quickly. I sat down at a low square table, as the high tops looked uncomfortable with the hard looking mini stools that were only big enough for only one of my 38 inch waist sized butt cheeks to fit on. The waitress offered me a blue Moon. I declined, but inquired about what was on draft. She cheekily offered a Blue Moon again. This was meant to be an up-sell or a contest offering I am sure. Seeing my expression, she trudged through the beers on draft, and I made my choice.

My beer came while I was plodding through the menu. For the love of everything that is clean and pure, this menu is a train wreck. A quad folded two sided train wreck. I am all for being clever, and even cute, but cramming even more clever quips, and "new item" tags does not make a good menu. Matter of fact, it just stinks it up even more. Look, this menu should be real simple. Let's review; wings, check; burgers, check; seafood, check; salads, check; appetizers, check. This does not require a quad folded double sided, clutter filled menu with stupid little quips everywhere. There is no need for extra Hooter Girls cluttering the menu either. Just stop it.

I had made a decision. Mahi Mahi sandwich with Cole slaw. I finished my beer as I waited the twenty minutes for my sandwich. And what is that noise being piped though the speakers? 50's Rock-a-Billy!!! Auuuuuuuggghhhhhh!!! Really? Seriously? My brain was starting to hemorrhage. The orange shorts, Christmas lights, and general clutter of excessive amounts of stored paper towels was closing in on me. Then it hit me. Hooter's had forgotten why they were open in the first place. This is relatively understandable given the nefarious activity that has obviously distracted the leaders of this organization.

That comment reminds me of Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen telling Marty McFly "Mighty strong words runt!". Well, that may be a bit harsh, but they have forgotten that "People go out to eat to eat." Somebody upstairs may want to read the book "Good To Great".

The closing manager came in during my consumption of dolphin. Technically, in my opinion he had not done a bad job in hiring or training. The server had offered me two alcoholic beverages; besides the Blue Moon she had offered me a SoCo and lime which was an amusing choice to offer a frumpy old fart like myself. But hey, maybe I still have some spunk and some coolness left in me! She offered ME a SoCo and lime, just like the cool guys in the commercial. Yeah, I still got it. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, she also offered an appetizer in a muttering kind of way which I did not grasp completely, and toward the end of the meal she offered me a Hooters T Shirt. He obviously had done a good job hiring pretty girls and training them in a robotic way to offer specific items. The problem is in the believability in the whole process. However hiring and training sincerity is not his forte, but rather being generally creepy and unfocused on what is really happening. He reminded me of Al from Married With Children in a odd way.

The bevy of babes that were not focused on the few customers that were coming in were all congregated over by a large round top in the corner. I personally hate this type of activity as it is annoying and distracting. Somehow servers have it in their minds that work is play. They are on a stage and the world really cares about their drama and general BS. Note to all servers in the world: We really don't care, because we came out to eat to eat.
The pm manager seemed all too pleased to be obfuscated by this mass of orange, white, and tan. He left the am manager to deal with the real business of the day, which was the hanging of the UFC fight posters the beer guys had delivered. I conned the beer guys into having another beer with me as I continued to iron out in my mind why this place was a ghost town. They mentioned that the current volume of business was the norm. I scanned the room and I started to get uncomfortable as the only guests were male. We were over forty save two young  backwards hat wearing fellows who preferred tribal tattoos. I admit at this point in time I started to feel a bit like a pedophile.

Well, back to the food. The Mahi Mahi was cooked fine, and placed on a Ciabatta bread, with shredded iceberg lettuce and a slice of tomato. The "side" of  Cole slaw was a three ounce portion of uneventfulness. I would love to expound more on the food but there is only so much can be done with average. Maybe this is another problem with Hooters. Maybe this is intentional. With so many other distractions, the quality and originality of the food gets forgotten. I have had good meals at Hooters. My wife and I often have shared the Carolina Style Roasted Oysters and enjoyed them. Hooters main fare has always been hot wings witch are OK, albeit a bit greasy for my liking. However, with so many other things going wrong, food is never on the main stage. It is ok to be a bar or a tavern, but if you are going to be a bar, look like a bar, and act like a bar. Hey, I have an idea; actually HAVE a bar. Always start at the beginning.

This Hooters is located on the road that leads to WalMart and Sam's club. There is a huge amount of local traffic that drives right by every minute of the day. This is why Hooters being open for lunch at this location makes no sense at all. There are three hotels close by that could drive some out of town traffic in for a cold beer at night, but there is no chance for any lunch business. That is especially if you ignore the guests, serve average to poor food, and creep out every female in town that has children. Surrounded by "home-folk" types of restaurants Hooters is just out of place at lunch, maybe even at dinner. I think that there should be a zoning rule of sorts for the Hooters real estate team. Codes such as a Hooters cannot be any closer than 6 miles to a Walmart or an elementary school. This location boasts of a well placed interstate highway sign but when you get there you feel like you are in a strip club in Mayberry N.C. with Sheriff Andy Taylor all too close by. My suggestion for this location is to abandon ship. Find a more suitable place where you can start over where you actually fit better.

Here are my top ten suggestions for Hooters:
10. Be a bar.
9. Redesign the store and include a nice large comfortable bar.
8. Your competition are places like Quaker Steak and Lube and Buffalo Wild Wings, therefore target the biker crowd. This will require a large parking lot and covered patios.
7. Since you are now a "biker type bar" you need to get a biker attitude adjustment.
6. Biker music is needed. More towards Metal, farther away from Rock-a-Billy.
5. Uniforms. Lose the Hooters orange (sacred cow?), and go with black or at least Harley Orange.
4. Now that you are a biker bar....bikini tops? No.....? Fine.
3. Make sure there is a ten mile radius from any WalMart or elementary school.
2. Fix the Front of  House; comfortable seating is acceptable.
1. Get over yourselves, and pay attention to the customer.



Anonymous said...

Is obfuskated a real word? I think you made that up. "Pay attention to the customer"? Thats just crazy talk greg.

Gregory B. said...

obfuscate \AHB-fuh-skayt\ verb
1 a : darken *b : to make obscure
2 : confuse
3 : to be evasive, unclear, or confusing

Example sentence:
After the debate, each of the gubernatorial candidates complained to the press that his opponent had intentionally obfuscated many responses to the questions.

Did you know?
The last syllable of "obfuscate" may sound like the "skate" in "ice skate," but the two aren't spelled the same way. How can you keep the correct spelling for "obfuscate" clear in your mind? The knowledge that the word traces to the Latin "fuscus," meaning "dark brown," may be of some help. The fact that "obfuscate" looks and sounds a little like "obscure" (although the two are etymologically distinct) might help too; both "obfuscate" and "obscure" can refer to concealing something or making it more difficult to see or understand. Or maybe alliterative devices are more your cup of tea. If that's the case, you can remember the "c" by recalling that "obfuscate" means to confuse, cloud over, or cover up.

gf :)

Katelyn said...

I personally don't like Hooter's at all.. then again I am a woman. And why would you want to work at a place where if you gain or lose any weight from what you were hired as they will fire you?

Merle said...

So lets forget the crap and get to the important stuff, just what kind of beer did you order?

Gregory said...

Sam Adams Merle!