Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The End of The World

Well, it is official. The world is toast. Kaput. So, what now you ask? Glad you asked, because I believe I have figured most of that out.

The Aztecs or the Mayans figured all of that timing thing out as you know. All we have to do is figure out what we
are going to do with the time that we have left. This will depend mainly on your character; but amazingly enough, for some, character goes bye-bye during a crisis. The first thing some people do, during a disaster, is steal a flat screen TV. But this will not work in the end of days. Satellites and cable services will be the first to go, and most disaster thieves have not considered this critical error.

There will be the Army type that will board up their house. They will stock two years of groceries in the basement and hoard lots of guns and bullets. This will not work either. Yeah, it sounds good, but there are major flaws in this thinking. First of all, no one really cares about you and your little house. The crazed thieves are going for the bigger houses, with the pools and the chicks in bikinis. Duh. Secondly, with the earth opening up and swallowing everything, being stuck in your hut may not be the best thing to do.

Right. Rob the bank. This is stupid, dumb even. Money is not going to be worth anything; it is barely worth anything right now. This individual would assume that busines
ses are going to be open and selling something. No; they will have left. They will be trying to figure out what they are going to do with the time that they have left. They are not going to be at work.

I propose that if you want to rob something, you should rob a whole person. Steal a Hollywood star. They have all the stuff. All you would have to do is convince them to show you a good time. They have a cool houses, and they are fun to hang with; that is unless you picked a real boring star. They have good food, wine, chefs, butlers, horses, polo sticks, and arcade games. Are there still arcades? Not sure about that.

People will kill themselves in a panic. Good. These are the dumbest ones; and if they want to kill themselves, then go ahead. We really will not have time to pamper these people, and talk them out of their stupid decision. That is, unless they are a good friend or family. We will just shake those folks real hard, slap them several times, and tell them to snap out of it. It will be time for that whole survival of the fittest thing to kick into high gear.

There are going to be plenty of revivals and religious groups raising all kinds of cane. I can truly appreciate all religions thinking that they are the right one. However, during the end of the world the last thing we all need is somebody knocking on our door hassling us to be in their group. There also will be "False Prophets" a go go. Slicker than owl crap, these "Prophets" are going to derail plenty of people. The Jews and the Muslims are going to "get it on" no doubt; I mean after all, they have been fighting for how long now? Oh yeah, from the beginning of time. Not sure what the Buddhists will do. They will just chill probably. Then again, they may be Ninja like. Eating raw fish and digging tunnels like in Vietnam. Sneaking up on folks and attacking when least expected. A sneaky and clever religion.

Our produce purveyor at work sent us a memo about tomatoes escalating in price over the next month or so; stating that it was "an act of God". Why does God get blamed for everything, especially pricey tomatoes? I was sure that I read in the Bible that Satan was sent to the earth to roam about and cause havoc. I think we should take that saying "act of God" out of our vocabulary. Change it to "an act of Lucifer". God can be blamed for other things in the universe, like a random gamma ray pulverizing some way off solar system that we cannot even see. Give God a break during the end of the world; blame the Devil.

Spend more time with your family. I honestly think that this is the best thing to do. Matter of fact, I think that a barbecue would be called for. Tailgate the end of days. This sounds so American, but I think it has a healthy heaping of merit. This is obviously the safest way to do the end of times.
You really do not want to do something that you may regret even at this late moment in the earth's existence. One fellow told me that he would go to LA and hang out at the Playboy Mansi
on. Not a bad thought altogether; but what if you had a great evening at the Mansion, and you were winding down, smoking a pipe like "Heff", watching the evening news, and you hear..."Archeologists reported today that they have misinterpreted the Mayan calendar altogether. The end of the world date was 12/21/22012. The academy of Archeologists deeply apologize for misreading the ancient text, and for any subsequent inconvenience that it may have caused."

It snowed again today in Georgia. Definitely the end of times; I am sure of it.



Alex said...

The best place to be would be on the International Space Station. Good views, and you could probably last a year before running out of supplies!

Gregory B. said...

Then again, being the end of days and all, there could be rouge asteroids smashing into your Space Station. Alien virus's attacking and breaking down your genetic code could be a concern as well. You could become part of the Space Station. Bonded forever in space and time, and creating a new machine/man species.