Saturday, February 1, 2014

"Don't Fry Bacon Naked"

Thank you! = $1.00

  Servers know that in the "Server World" there will be days when they make money and days that they will not. They are generally OK with this fact of life. This is the ebb and flow of the universe... The way that the world turns... The Yin and Yang...
Fine; I will stop.
  What is not known is the monetary value of those clever comments that guests write on the tickets and/or receipts. Yes, comments have value. Don't you think so?

  You know the type of comments which I speak of. For example: "Great job!"; "Best service ever!"; "God bless you and your family.".
   I once got a comment when I was server... "We would have left you more, but we gave that money to Jesus today.". I think that comment turned me just a bit. It was a party of ten. Diet Coke; Coke; Orange; Mellow Yellow; Unsweet Tea; Sweet Tea; Coffee with creamer; Sprite; Dr. Pepper, and a Lemonade. I will never forget the drink order. Everyone had six refills. They left me $2.00 on $120. What is that? 1.7% Nice. Now, a comment like that should have a pay-out of about $20.00 according to gf.

   Now let me diverge for a moment...  for those who have no idea how to tip. 

Let us review how to tip according to gf.

 10% = You survived. The server was a brainless troll.
 15% = The server did their job but they reminded you of, well, nothing.
 20% = You thoroughly enjoyed the experience. The server was attentive like a Maremma Sheep dog. What?!
30% = You are an idiot and you need to learn how to save your money... or you are tore-up-drunk.

  There are those of you out there who at this very moment have a confused and blank stare on your face. Let me help...

Your ticket is $15.76 and you are starting to sweat due to the math conundrum that is before you.
10% of $15.76 = move the decimal point to the left one position. You now have 10% or $1.58 if you round up. You might as well call that $1.60. Got that?
 Let's work on 15%. You already know what 10% is, therefore cut that in half and you will have 5% presto. Half of $1.60 = $0.80. Now, add $1.60 and $0.80 to reach your glorious 15%.
(mumble mumble, carry the one, mumble). Correct! $2.40! Now round that to $2.50 and get the hell out of there.

  What is that you ask? 20%? Simple!
Double the original 10% (mumble mumble, carry the one, mumble). Correct! $3.20! Now then, you should feel confident in tipping!

  For those slanderers out there who would set their sights on defaming this math, just remember that it is "gf math". Just like many of the great mathematicians of the past, I take ridicule (daily) for my calculations while knowing that one day I will be spoken of as a genius. One day... a long-long, long-long, long time from now. (Name that movie.)

So then, back to the comments. How will servers get paid for these comments which are scribbled on their checks? Easy-sneezy.

  The Federal Government, even though they are broker than my happy ass, is still trying to figure out who else they can give money to. Currently, the discussion is whether to give money the Veterans, the insurance industry, or to those who tote the free cell phones (the poor and destitute). I recommend none of the above. The working people who pay for everything should get the free money. This is where the comments about service come into play.

  This process will require a Herculean effort by the Feds. Tons of cash will be spent on the legislation and implementation of this idea. And why not? Money is free! Whee!

 There will be a requirement for a massive data base. This effort will employ thousands, and it will also chip away at that nasty unemployment number. I am so excited.

  Remember, this will be executed by the Federal Government, so at the end of the day it will be a huge failure. This is all that we can hope for as we want to burn through these Chinese loans ASAP. Here is the "bare bones" of how the plan will work:

  • An iPhone and an Android App must be made. 
  • The server must document the comment on the check (with the check number clearly printed) by taking a photo and uploading it with the App.
  • The App will automatically send the document to the Federal Web site. The information will include the Server's IP address, participating restaurant, and Social Security number. The Server will willfully give permission to "Big Brother" to use the information however he chooses. Yippee.
  • After being processed, the participating restaurant will be sent an email to validate the check number and the server.
  • Once the comment is validated, the Server will receive payment (based on the comment's value) on their weekly payroll check. (Hey, this is more taxable income for the IRS.)
  • Server performance will increase across the nation. People will be happier, and the murder rate will drop significantly.
The next item at hand is to determine the monetary value of Server compliments. Here is the short list.

  • "Thanks" = $1.00
  • "Great Job" = $1.50
  • "You are a Wonderful Server." =$2.00
  •  "Have a Blessed Day." $0.25
  •  "Managers, (server name) is an Asset to your Company." = $2.50
  •  Best Service in town!" = $2.75
  • "Great service! We will tell all of our friends!" = $3.00
  • "You were awesome! My phone number is xxx-xxxx = $0.05
  Of course there is a dark side to this comment bit. Negative comments scribbled on checks, and, of course, one cent tips. The point is that comments are worth a value wheather they are positive or negative. While dining out, what message are you communicating? Servers who guide you through the meal with ease and are attentive should be told that they are doing a good job... with your money not your clever quips. Some may indeed need some direction from you. Many servers have no clue whatsoever, and they are idiots. However, you should know that the majority are busting their butts to make ends meet. They do not need condescending prima donnas giving them hell just for sheer pleasure and entertainment. 

Here are some comments that readers have submitted on the internet:

 "The look on your face told the truth - You f**ked yourself on this one and earned it."

"You don't always get what you want"

"Don't play in traffic."

"Don't fry bacon naked."

"Don't play leap-frog with a unicorn."

  You were the best readers ever! Thanks for reading this! (= $1.15)



1 comment:

Dawn F. Garlow said...

I seriously like your mathematical way of figuring out what the tip should be... I'm so going to do it!! That's something I can understand! haha