Monday, January 6, 2014

New Year's Violations 2014

 Violation # 1 Resolution Failure
 The problem with resolutions is that they are resolutions.
  The misunderstanding of the concept of New Year's resolutions has a tight grip on our society. It is doubtful wheather we will ever pull free from our own idiocy. Most think of a resolution as a self-promise to correct a flaw in the way which one lives. This is where we fail. To resolve something one must find the answers to many complex problems. You know, be analytical about the issues at hand in their entirety. Our society does not do this. That would be too hard... too much thinking would be involved. Sacrifices may have to be made. Alternative plans may need to be drawn up. Our society is way to lazy for that type of activity, and besides that, there are way too many idiots out there who have no clue whatsoever. Yes, I am referring to those whom we call "Sheeple".

  Americans run around the internet willy-nilly posting resolutions wherever they can find an audience. Listen carefully, According to gf fans, NO ONE REALLY CARES ABOUT YOUR DAMN RESOLUTIONS. That's right! No one cares! 

  What they may care about, or at least be slightly amused by, are your actions and your results. That is it. You can blather on endlessly about what you are going to do, but no one cares.

"Don't tell me what you are going to do; tell me what you have done." gf

Violation # 2 Recapping Failure
  Recapping the last failure-of-a-year-that-one-let-pass is fine, I guess. But it can get depressing if one never follows up on their resolutions. Seriously now, how many of your idiotic resolutions did you accomplish this last year? Recap those! Most never document their resolutions. That is the oldest trick in the book. "Plausible Deniability" is the trick. After about two months one's resolutions become "classified" information. (Independence Day was on TV this week.)
  Some folks recap the year by bringing out the old "who passed on this year" list. Yee Haw. This is what they do at all of the award shows. It is very popular. "Let the dead bury the dead." Most dead are happier than we are I suppose. No more annual taxes. I have seen some disgruntled dead on the Dead Files here recently though. Nasty pissed off dead folks they are. They may have sucked at accomplishing their resolutions when they were alive perhaps.
  If one must recap the year please be positive. Being funny would help as well. Recap everything that went well in the past year... even if it is a short note.

Violation #3 Party Failure
 Partying is very popular when bringing in the new year, however there are a few ways to fail at partying. Let's review them shall we?
 ~ First of all, one must show up. Secondly, being prompt would be spectacular. Thirdly, fashionably late is clever, I suppose, but do not arrive hours late to the event.
 ~  Dress appropriately. No one likes a slob (except Nirvana fans). Be freaking festive once in a while. Shave. Smell good. Break out the clean underwear.
 ~  Do not get wasted. No one likes a drunk. Well, drunks like drunks, so if you are going to a drunk party get drunk.
 ~  Don't eat all the freaking food. It is a party not a Golden Corral Buffet. Show some restraint from your normal American-gluttonous-habits.
 ~  Always wear a decorative hat to a New Year's Eve party. Never go hatless.

Violation #4 Eating Two-Week-Old-Leftovers
  Personally, I love leftovers. However, after they are about two weeks old, my strong recommendation is to throw them out. Make that one week old... Okay, just go ahead and change that to a three day maximum. 3 Days. Period.
  Late-night partiers often violate this policy FYI.

Violation #5 Making Faces in Photos and/or Photo-Bombing
  My family is the leader in this violation.

  Is it really that hard to take a good picture? Yes it is.

Violation #6 Leaving Christmas Lights on the House after New Years Day.
  There are some of you out there in internet-land who are habitual violators. Please stop. Currently on our street there are six violators. I am going to start passing out tickets. I have contemplated what the ticket should say but I am open for suggestions.
  "Your home is in violation of the Annoying Christmas Act (ACA). Specifically section 12-31a has been documented. If you do not remove your lights by the second day of the New Year you will be considered as an "extreme violator". Your punishment will be bad Karma... up to and including the fleas of a thousand camels infesting  your armpits. Happy New Year. Sincerely the ACA neighborhood committee."

Violation #7 Learning Nothing from the Previous Year
  2013 was far from stellar for my family and me. Instead of dragging the world though my personal hallucinogenic-nightmare-of-a-year I have decided to learn from what the year gave me. This is what I have... so far, and in no specific order:
  ~ Learn to listen.
  ~ Learn to say no.
  ~ Remember.
  ~ Use less.
  ~ Expect more.
  ~ Simpler is better.
  ~ Less is more.
  ~ Love more.
  ~ Don't become a dog.

I will be happy to expound on these upon request.
Happy New Year and thanks for reading,

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