Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Ten Reasons Why You Gain Weight.

Here are the top ten reasons why you gain weight according to gf.

10. Your wife is pregnant. 
  This will put twenty pounds on any red-blooded American. One must keep up with a growing spouse. Pregnancy is a competition - plain and simple.

9.  You have rationalized the health benefits of doughnuts. 
  a) They have holes in them, which makes them lighter and less fattening.
  b) Our forefathers ate doughnuts and built this great land, therefore doughnuts must be just "A-OK".
  c) The "old fashioned" kind without all the glaze and yeast just have to be better for you. This has always been my philosophy.
  d) You will eat a salad for lunch.
  e) Eating just one doughnut never hurt anyone.

The face of a sugar addicted child

8. Your eliptical exercise machine works better as a clothes hanger.

7.  You think fried food is "normal" food.
   No, actually it is not "normal" food. "Normal" food is, let's just say, like... a carrot. Fried food is processed food. The process usually is begun by adding breading, extra salt, sugar, and preservatives (poison) to what may have been real food at some juncture, and then it  is finished by boiling it in hot fat until crunchy.

6.  You have bought into the belief that Margarine is real food. 
  Show gf a Margarine tree and he will believe that Margarine is not poison. It is poison... just ask an ant. 

5.  You believe that having "seconds" is normal.
 Your portion control measuring mechanism is broken (just ask any visitor from Great Britain). The "Big Gulp", which contains mass quantities of a portion control degeneration mechanism called High Fructose Corn Syrup, should be avoided at all costs, that is, if one would like to maintain a healthy weight.

4.  You do not count the calories of the food that you eat off of other peoples plates.

3.  You greedily eat late-night cheeseburgers.

2. You are addicted to highly refined sugar. 

1.  You eat too much bread and other carbohydrates (yes this includes beer). Most likely, these carbohydrates that are consumed are also laden with excessive amounts of sugar, salt, and fat, which also just happen to be the only three flavors that your weak palate can identify. 

I am sure that I will think of more, but this is all for now. Oh yeah, tell a friend that I am not a doctor, and that this is just my opinion. One would do well not to tick off the FDA. GF wants no troubles with the FDA Gestapo. They may confiscate my half broken lap top and empty my bank accounts. Actually, never mind about the bank accounts as other government departments have already taken care of them.

Back off the doughnuts and thanks for reading,

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