Sunday, October 20, 2013

How to Win a War

  There has been a lot of chatter about "war" these days. Oh, how I wish the news agencies would change their verbiage. America has not been in a war for nearly seventy years. We have been in some good fights, but nations who go to war historically go in the name of conquest. America usually goes for a good fight. 

 Yes, a good fair fight is what we are looking for. No cheating is allowed. No Nuclear War, no Chemical War, no Alien War, and certainly no Unpopular War is allowed. What is Unpopular war you ask?  Well, nowadays war has to be approved by all of the other spectators to make sure that it is OK, and that the circumstances are just dandy to pick a fight. This is ridiculous.  America really cannot figure out conquest. We fight fairly well, but the whole winning/conquering concept has us bewildered. In this simple and humble blog post, I hope to school America, and anyone else who is interested, on how to win a war.

  The problem with America is that we want to be popular. We watch too many movies. I am speaking specifically of "Western" movies: the ever popular genre populated by "good guys" in the white hats who punish the "bad guys" in the black hats while inflicting few or no fatal wounds. Imagine a scene where ten thousand rounds of ammo are fired and one bad guy gets a nick on his ear... and then surrenders.

   According to gf, Westerns have hurt Americas ability to conquer.

  If one wanted to reference a movie for warfare, here are a few suggestions:

  Do you see how cool John Wayne looks? This is not the look of warfare. The warfare look is a wild-eyed, crazed, focused-purposeful look. Take a look at John Wayne, and then take a look at Mel Gibson. See that? Good, you need to hold on to that for a moment or two. Likewise, the movie Star Wars has also hurt warfare. Lightsabers, The Force, Ewoks, and Yoda have messed up a good many war strategists.

  Winning a war takes being brutal as well as clever. The Babylonians had war and conquest figured out. When they CONQUERED a country they would remove the men from their homeland (current data suggests twenty-five percent or more men). They would then move in and infest the conquered with their DNA and culture. This was pure genius. Their only problem was that they had a leader gone crazy (this often happens), and they pretty much ticked off God (like the Germans did in the movie "Raiders of the Lost Ark")... Anyway, even with all of their issues, the Babylonians have inspired my war thinking.

It would be an excellent idea for all the world leaders to play several games of Risk. If you are not familiar with Risk it is a war strategy board game. If you do not have it you need to purchase it asap. 

Only then would they realize that no one should ever mess with Australia. Every good Risk player knows the strategy of amassing forces in Australia to take over the islands, then China, then Russia, and then the rest of the world. Watch out for those Aussies. 
  Also, a "limited strike" or some such other "Vietnam" bull crap strategy is idiotic and a futile waste of life and energy and a great way to lose at Risk... and at war.

  • important caveat • Winning a war is now impossible because of nuclear warheads. 
  However, let us forge on and figure out how gf would win a war. (You know down deep that this is going to be good.)

  Firstly, one has to figure out who the current undesirables are. (For Hitler, this was the Jews and anyone else who just ticked him off.) Slaughtering undesirables is just ridiculous. I am no way suggesting anything of the sort. Every gf undesirable has a chance for redemption and a new start.
 I have a much better list of undesirables than the Nazis', besides that, the gf undesirable list is much more logical. These trouble makers are very important, as they play a huge roll in conquest. Let me reiterate that the number one rule in war is to conquer. 
 Here are the gf undesirables:
 • Murderers in jail
 • Habitual thieves in jail
 • Rapists in jail
 • Extreme couponers (trust me)
 • Individuals who get excited with all you can eat deals. (This is important)
 • Illegal Aliens

  With this list the main objective is to create a win/win situation. For example: Murderers want to murder. This can work to our advantage. We should let them murder... the enemy. Simple. 

  Secondly, one needs to figure out what each specific undesirables task should be. Now, some brief parachute training is job number one. Yes, you guessed it. Instead of taking men out of a country, the plan is to put men into a country... Ninja-like.

  The murderers would get a fifteen minute video and a consent form. If they were to survive the jump from the C-17 they would be all good. They would be free to do what they want to do to the enemy. Maybe there would be a knife or even a gun hidden in the survival gear. America could eliminate the national debt in a blink of an eye with this plan. Emptying the jails of the 15,000 convicted murderers in the US would be a nice start. That would be round about $420,000,000 per year off the books just for the murderers! Now if we cleared out all of the 1.6 million inmates in the U.S. that would be about 3.5 billion or so... according to gfmath. (One may want to validate those numbers.) Once all of the gf undesirables are out of the jails, everyone else in the jails will want to know how they did it. We can make freedom happen for them as well. Now remember that one may not want to go to the country we conquer for at least one hundred years. Yes, just like Australia. Anyway, it will be a hundred years before the roads are paved and the Wal-Marts, McDonald's, and Bass Pro Shops are built.

  Next are the thieves. This is when it starts getting fun. The thieves would get a half an hour video and one practice jump. If America were to drop-ship all of the thieves into the enemy's back yard all hell would break loose. Barbecue grills; rims (especially those spinney type); car radios; iPhones; costume jewelry; high dollar sneakers; and Ray Ban sunglasses would all disappear. This would enrage and confuse the enemy.

  Dropping off the rapists is a bit brutal. I realize this. Maybe some of the murderers will be useful here. At least we will not have to house and feed them anymore. Think of all of the notes that the enemy would get from the gals back home. Oh yeah, they would get plenty upset... and distracted.

  The illegal aliens in America have become a hot topic among our great leaders. The incarcerated illegal aliens clogging our jails would be given US citizenship by signing a form, taking the two hour survival course, and performing five practice jumps. They also would be taken to boot camp and complete a "special training force" program, and given a badge with a skull and let us just say a... Lightning bolt. Yes, that sounds good. After being deployed, they would be the first boots on the ground. That is, of course, the first "professional" boots on the ground, after the murderers, thieves, and the rapists put their boots on the ground (well, technically, they are professionals also).

  The illegal aliens will get distracted. They may not fight very well, but they will learn the language quickly and start taking jobs from the legals. Any social programs would also be taken advantage of by the aliens. They will not fight; they will not need to fight for them to be effective for the conquest.

  How do we get the extreme-couponers and the all-you-can-eaters over there? Well, they will be the last strike. Once the murderers, thieves, rapists, and illegal aliens are done and calmer than they were on their arrival, only then will it be safe for the last strike. The last strike will strip the enemy of the will to live. They will not care anymore. This is when the American flags can be hoisted up to the top of the buildings. We will celebrate by bringing the extra giant flags over that are usually flown at the gas stations with the crappy water-gas for sale.

  Now then, we need to conquer someone with some value. We do not need some broke-ass country full of rocks and sticks. We need to conquer a rich, oil-producing country with trees, and the good cushy kind of grass. Wait, we did... Nope, scratch that, we were just fighting.

Thanks for reading,


Dave Norman said...

Great post, Greg. I would contend, though, that the look of warfare is typically the "frightened out of his mind" look of a kid sent to do the bidding of a disconnected government. The fact that these 'kids' are amazing and brave beyiond measure is a testament to the heart and tenacity of the human spirit. I loved the post and look forward to the next!

Gregory said...

I was going to reference Saving Private Ryan... Maybe I should have.
However, there is a rule about referencing too many movies in a blog I think. Very good point indeed sir.
Thanks for reading. gf

Dawn F. Garlow said...

I like your post too, gf. :) Better explaining of the Risk paragraph. Thanks.
I look forward to the next gf thought.