Monday, December 20, 2010

Restaurant Quantum Time Warp Part 2

Restaurant Quantum Time Warp Part 1, although slightly dull, has officially discussed the perception of time as it related to and individual dining in a a restaurant. This is crucial information to understanding Restaurant Quantum Time Warp (RQTW) Part 2. Yeah, I know, you hate homework, but it has to be done.

RQTW Part 2 is made of the stuff that most people really do not see, hopefully. To outsiders restaurants seem simple and straight forward enough. Cook the food, deliver it, and take our money. Close, but no cigar. Time warps should be a first year study in Culinary Schools. The cooking and cleaning is relatively easy compared to dealing with time warp issues. The entire restaurant world runs off of time warp energy.

Time warp activity has never been at a higher level than today during our current recession. Allowed time has shrunk to an all time new low. Do more with less. This is the latest RQTW that has taken place in the last two years. True, it has always been there, but it has recently been recharged and reactivated to wormhole time into a smaller space. The same amount of work must be done but within a smaller time space continuum. The friction of this faster working activity within the time space actually shrinks the time space; therefore less time is needed. The result being less monies spent on time. I call this Recession Quantum Time Warp Activity. Go fast, spend less time, spend less money.

Note that this really works better during a recession. You cannot usually generate a positive Recession Quantum Time Warp during a prosperous time. The result could be devastating if you would be so silly to try. I can hear Scotty yelling at Captain Kurk something about the Di-lithium Crystals.... . When this process is tried during a prosperous time the result is usually a negative warp energy which results in turnover (the worker quits). This most likely will not happen during a recession as there is no where else to go work. During the good times speed of activity can be achieved, but it must be stimulated through other methods, like money.

My head is starting to hurt with all of this quantumness.

Servers are the first ones to recognize Restaurant Time Warps, as they scream for the floor to be cut. When it is slow in the restaurant a server's brain is like honey in February. When there is low volume in a restaurant the servers go into slow motion. They steal food, they whine, the skip out on work, they whine, they start drama, and they whine. It is very important to schedule the employees to the needs of the volume of the restaurant's business or a fair amount of chaos will ensue.

The lower the volume of the restaurant the more negative the time space becomes. Time stretches, slows and then pretty much stops. If you have too many workers standing about time could actually go backwards. Send them all home too soon and the managers will be hearing complaints like " I cannot believe you don't have any more people working today!"  This is an old method to stimulate time into speeding up. Call "volume" in a restaurant, send everyone home, and you are sure to get business that regularly never show up. Tricky business this Restaurant Time Warp stuff is.

This is why a busy restaurant is a happy restaurant. No negative time warps exist. Time flies by and everyone's pockets are full of money. Everything is right as rain, sales are up, labor and costs are beautiful. Your boss and your accountant call you a genius. You can actually meander around smiling at your over staffed store, and for a brief fleeting moment bask in the glory of being a manager.

I think that this is all of the warping I will think of for a while. Keep your eyes open for it, and I promise it will be a while until I bring it up again. Thanks for reading.



Ashley said...

The fact that the title has "time warp" in it, makes my brain hurt.

Gregory said...

Well at least I made no mention of Back To The Future. gf