The Darker Side of Medium

Or..."How to order a steak."

At times, I am quite humored by the average individual's preferences of cooked meat. At other times, I am quite maddened by it.

  Just for kicks and giggles, let us review basic steak temperature terminology.

Rare ~ The key word is "cool". The secondary key word is "red". Shave it, knock its horns off, wipe its ass, and send it out.

  It infuriates me when some numbskull orders rare and then complains that it's cold and red. This is easy; stick with me people.

Medium Rare ~ There is that tricky word "rare" again. If the word "rare" is in the description we are talking red... Got that? Medium Rare is a warm red center. Still red, but warm. I know, this is crazy-simple-stuff!

Medium ~ Think Victoria Secrets... Pink. The steak is Hot-Pink throughout. Notice that I am not referring at all to internal temperatures of said steaks, such as 125 degrees. That is another blog post for cooks. This blog is for the users. As a user you are not allowed to speak of actual degrees. That would be a violation of significant magnitude. If a server puts in for a steak to be recooked they are strictly forbidden to write an actual temperature on the ticket (ex. 135 degrees / medium). If this happens the lead cook has permission to shout obscenities, and throw plates of food against the walls. ~ It's that important.

Medium Well - there is the word medium again... So think pink... Here comes the well part... Thin line of pink. Just a smidgen, ok? Got it. Good.

Well - No red, no pink. Hot, and cooked all the way through. But note that there should still be some clear juice. A dry well done steak is a ruined piece of meat.

Having said all of that, here are some words and phrases that diners need to avoid so they will not be categorized as idiots by the cooking staff:

•  "Medium Rare-ish"
•  "The darker side of medium"
•  "Medium, but no juice"
•  "Medium plus"
•  "Medium well plus plus"
•  "Well with a little bit of red"
•  "This rare steak is chilly."
•  " Pittsburgh" (You have no idea what that means, so please just stop using this term immediately.)
•  "Butterfly" (See the aforementioned comment about Pittsburgh.)
•  "I am going to get sick now because blood is running out of my steak" 
•  "This Well Done steak has no pink."
•  "This Well Done steak is tough."

   ~ Matter of fact, according to gf, if you order a Well Done steak you relinquish all of your rights. No complaining for you. Shut it. ~

 Here are some questions my colleagues had which I had no immediate answer:

•   Should there be a cooking guide in regards to zip code? Southern steaks vs. Northern, or East Coast vs West Coast? 
•   Since Japanese cooking includes raw fish, is their idea of Rare rarer?
•   Should other cities be required to have a specific cooking technique like Pittsburgh? If so, what would they be? Ex. "I would like that Seattle style please."
• Can we have states with cooking styles? Ex. Montana Medium.

However you like your steak, please explain that to your server in detail. Most likely he/she was not paying attention during the pre-meal line up, and has no idea how anything is cooked. (They are more focused on when they are cut from the floor,  and how many silverware they will have to roll.)

  I hope this helps. 

Thanks for reading,
gf