Saturday, June 26, 2010

Nascar Revisions Explored ~ The Deep South 2.0

I am not a big NASCAR fan. I am just being honest. There are an abundance of folks in the world who would say that it is the best sport in the world though. Here are some obstacles in my mind that deter NASCAR from being in my top ten sports. I may have to explore these in full detail at a later date:

  • This sport uses an obscene amount of gasoline.
  • Tires, lots of tires are used. I don't think that they decompose so fast.
  • Pollution --lots of that.  
  • Noise, pass the BC Powders.
  • Rednecks. I really don't want to go here.
  • Annoying bright colors and big ass numbers.

There is no wonder spectators drink themselves to stupidity. I think that Richard Petty promoting headache powder is just about right on as you can get.
But these are not the things that I would like to discuss in this blog directly. I would like to discuss the sport (or lack there of) with NASCAR. 

The Problem
NASCAR was born right here in North Georgia by transporting Moonshine. Yep, good ole White Lightning. Fellas would soup up their cars to outrun the law. They had to be tricky, sneaky, fearless, and be real good at modifying their cars to do so. They had to transport Moonshine, and lots of it, rapidly through Atlanta (MARTA moving alcohol rapidly through Atlanta). The locals will get that. This required unique cars with clever suspensions.

Well I would say that all of those traits have been successfully and completely eradicated from the sport these days. Here is why I think so:

  • NASCAR is predictable. Turn left.
  • No one is chasing anyone really.
  • The cars have to all be designed basically the same way; engines, bodies, etc..
  • There is no transportation involved.
 Now I am not saying that it cannot be exciting to watch, because they have a huge following. I just have suggestions (as usual) on how to take this sport up a notch or two. I mean after all, if we are going to pollute, burn rubber, and suck up gas, we need to make a concerted effort to take it to the max, and make it just a bit more old school at the same time.

First Things First  
The race cars have to tote moonshine in glass Mason jars in the trunk. Preferably in a wooden box in the trunk. This will require saw dust or wood shavings as a packing substance. No air bubbles sheets or Styrofoam peanuts to pack it with would be allowed. There is enough plastic pollution going on already. I figure that twelve quart size Mason jars should be enough at first. Every time you take a pit stop you would have to add another box of moonshine which would add more risk and weight to your ride. This will eliminate any unnecessary pit stops.
The other part of this transportation equation is that for every bottle broken points (laps) will be deducted. This may encourage some to ram into the backs of others, but after a few races this will change as there will be free reign to modify your car.

The Cars  
As in the olden days, drivers and teams will have freedom to modify their cars. This will make it messy at first, but after a while things will work out on their own. Moonshine running was dangerous, if you are a sissy you have no business racing. Also, if you are a sissy you have no business watching this if you have such a tender heart. It would be like no holds barred fighting. Real messy in the beginning, but they are fine now.
In the example of cars running into the back of other cars to break their bottles, this could be corrected by a simple modification. I would suggest a steel spike stuck onto the back of the car that would ram into your engine before you hit my bottles. OK, that was a bit medieval I will admit. That would be more like jousting. I will have to think about that some more.

The Race 
True NASCAR fans stopped reading about ten minutes ago. That is OK. Progress must be made. I will forge on diligently for the rest of us. This is where the true craft of new NASCAR racing begins.
The old moonshine runners had guns. I suggest paintball guns. Going two hundred miles per hour and getting shot in the head with a neon bright pink paintball would be like a hole in one during the Masters tournament. Cruising by an opponent and blasting their windshield with paint will take courage, skill, and a bit of luck. Hey, if you do not like the annoying colors of your opponent - blast them. 
I think there could be plenty of other challenges put in place as well. Here are a few suggestions:
  • "Switch" - This is when a special flag is posted and all cars must turn around and go in the other direction.
  • "Oil Spill" - Oil would be deliberately poured onto the track to cause havoc.  My suggestion is that this be done early in the race as there is always too many in the race to begin with.
  • "Tacks" aka "The Wile E. Coyote" - I don't know. Maybe it is my Warner Brothers influenced childhood. 
  • "Leave Them Where They Stop" - If a car breaks down, or parts fly off a car, the stuff has to stay in the road. This will make the track more of an obstacle course.
There are more that we can all think of if we put our minds to it. I think with these few changes NASCAR will become more interesting and more like the original sport. 

I would guarantee that if races were run like this fans would not have to drink themselves stupid at a race just to have a good time. 

To all of the NASCAR fans around the world. Love ya, mean it. I just have two words more for you. Sun Screen.


1 comment:

Katelyn said...

ahaha. This is funny. I would watch it. It might be a little too dangerous though, but then again they would know that when they decided they wanted to race.